I’m not really sure where to start so the beginning is probably a good idea. I will keep it as short as possible.

I have always been quite sensitive and emotional by nature. I have a completely neurotic, smothering, overprotective mother and a father who didn’t know how to be a father. I clashed with him a lot during my childhood because I was never good enough in his eyes and we had extreme, sometimes violent fights. He would lose it because I didn’t do things how he expected them to be done. Instead of showing me or explaining to me, he would snap and completely lose it in rage. My mom when then come in to ‘rescue’ me. These situations would leave my traumatised and confused. This dynamic continued throughout my teenage years with my parents clashing often.

I was completely traumatised by going to junior school. I found it incredibly intimidating and didn’t understand why I had to be there. I didn’t want to leave my mom and cried and screamed a lot. I ended up changing schools a few times to try and find somewhere where I could settle down. I struggled academically and often didn’t understand what was expected of us. My results also varied depending on the relationship with the teacher as some put in extra effort with me and this reflected in my marks. Generally it was a miserable time with moments of happiness. I think looking back, one of the strongest features was that of not understanding what was going on around me. I knew what was happening but not the how or why.

I had panic attacks throughout school which manifested in debilitating cramps and I often had to go home, even ending up in hospital. The common theme in school was that I was under-achieving. I often got into trouble for not completing work, often because I either forgot or didn’t understand it. Every year I would get excited at the beginning of the year and buy new stationery and prepare for a fresh start which would always end up with poor results. I was told over and over that I didn’t apply myself. I hated school generally and found it boring to the extent that I would risk getting into trouble by doing other activities during class to keep myself entertained.

The same theme continued at university where I had great expectations and then just managed to scrape through at great expense to my parents after a false start and graduating 3 years late. The same types of things which one needs to be able to do at school also apply at work for example one needs to take instructions, understand what needs to be done and then execute a plan to achieve it. Needless to say I am pretty useless at any sort of functions that would be considered normal in a working environment. I therefore get into trouble at work too and cannot hold a job because of boredom and non-performance. Like school, I do the bare minimum and hope to scrape by. I find most jobs incredibly suffocating and the normal duties or demands, stressful. I long for freedom to ‘dip in’ where I see I can contribute and come and go as I please. Playing team sports I had a similar approach where I was happy to hang back and let the team proceed and I helped out where I could.

As I have never been able to really been able to be successful in an academic or professional role, I have great anxiety when job searching because the first thought through my mind is ‘I can’t do it’. Sometimes I feel like a nihilist although this isn’t really true because I love helping people as long as I don’t feel trapped in a job or compelled to do something.

I also struggle socially, I get on well with people and have a large network of ‘friends’ but I struggle to maintain close relationships, often getting overly emotional and sometimes being treated like a bit of a doormat. I often feel like I don’t belong and shy away from popular culture/fads/sport.

I feel like I am an observer and that life is passing me by. I have never been fully financially independent and can’t see how I am going to achieve this. I am unsure of myself and feel like I need to find myself in order to be independent. Maybe something like travelling abroad etc. The problem is I don’t have the confidence or faith in myself to do something like that. The other problem is I always find a problem as a rationalisation for not taking the leap.

I would appreciate any advice to get out of this repetitive cycle I’ve been stuck in my whole life.

Thank you