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Struggling

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  • September 2, 2017 at 7:26 am #166662
    Zoe
    Participant

    Hi

     

    So I’m struggling, my ex boyfriend finished things with me a few weeks ago, stating he was no good for me and needed some time in his own, he suffer from depression and because of this the relationship has been lacking in some ways

     

    He said he wished us to remain friends and still hang out and do stuff etc, since the it is like nothing has changed, he still calls and messages me with the same regularity as before and kisses me goodbye when we’ve seen each other

     

    To me it really feels much the same as when we were official, I thought I could handle that and give him some space but still be there for him as he would me, especially as he has told me he just needed to be on his own.

     

    About 2 weeks have passed since we split and a  my friend said she was joining a dating site and maybe I should to, I told.her I wasn’t ready for that. Last night she showed me his profile that has come up on her new site.

     

    I’m devastated, she said since she has noticed him on there he has been active almost constantly for the last few days. What broke my heart even more was when we were on the phone last night he was apparently active on the site.

     

    I was ok being his friend when he told me he wanted to be on his own and wasn’t capable of a relationship, but that is obviously a lie and he just didn’t want to be with me. I’m also wondering if he was on there all along as we met online and I assumed we both closed our accounts when we became official

     

    I just don’t know  what to do, I want a friendship as he is the closest person to me and I have few friends, he is also in a bad place and can be very depressed so I feel he needs me to be there

     

    Why couldn’t he just be honest with me about the split because now I feel so betrayed and that I’m not enough for anyone as my previous boyfriend also joined a dating site whilst we were together

    It makes me feel worthless as my ex was either online all along or if not days after we split with him stating it wasn’t me but him needing alone time.

     

    I don’t want to meet anyone, we were together for 2 years how can he move on so quick and why does this keep happening to me. I don’t know how to maintain a friendship with him as at some point he’s going to have a girlfriend by the looks of it and that breaks my heart. I just feel so disposable

    September 2, 2017 at 9:35 am #166696
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Zoe,

    I know it is difficult to have a break-up and see the one you love on a dating site. However, things aren’t always as they appear. I will give you an example. I had a man break things off with me. It was right around the Christmas Holidays. We were “friend’s” on Facebook before the break-up, but I was devastated and wanted no contact with him and wanted to “block” him from social media and dating sites, so I couldn’t make myself miserable “seeing what he was up to” when I was on FB getting ready to block him, in my feed, I noticed one of my former co-workers sending him cute, flirty emoji’s. Then even though I shouldn’t have, I saw a picture of them at a Christmas party, arms around each other looking very happy.

    I was devastated, thinking, how could he have moved on so quick, while I was at home crying over him, not wanting to do anything. Turns out, that I talked with a friend of his, and the friend said they had not gone to the Christmas party together, he was there and said my ex was very depressed, but that this woman had alot to drink and was all over him and pleaded with his friend to take a picture, which she “tagged” and put on his profile. He said my ex was in no way attracted to her, that she was the one heavily flirting with him and sending him all the emoji’s. He just wanted to be single at the time.

    I don’t think just because your ex is on a dating site, he is “moving on”. He may be depressed and just looking for attention or someone to talk to. You may even hear back from him in a few weeks. Just try not to have any contact with him for awhile. Don’t go to his profile on dating sites, because it will only make you miserable, and he may see that the grass is not greener on the other side and contact you. I am sure he is not moving on.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Eliana.
    September 2, 2017 at 10:08 am #166706
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zoe:

    You wrote: “, I want a friendship as he is the closest person to me… Why couldn’t he just be honest with me about the split because now I feel so betrayed”-

    I suggest you ask him the questions you are wondering about: why is he on a dating site when he told you that he needed to be on his own (not in a relationship), and you can ask him if he was on a dating site while in the relationship with you. You can ask him these questions, and other questions, in a non- confrontational way, so to make your current relationship with him honest.

    A necessary element of a friendship, if it is of quality, is honesty, I believe, and that is what I will go for with him, at this point, if I was you. Be honest with him on the matter and see if he reciprocates.

    anita

    September 3, 2017 at 4:08 am #166738
    Zoe
    Participant

    Hi

     

    I spoke with my ex-boyfriend last night and told him I just wanted to ask him a few questions and just needed him to be honest with me and I wouldn’t be upset with him

    Unfortunately every question I ask he twisted a little bit and I didn’t really get any kind of answers.

    He did finally admit that he had had online profiles for years and had not deleted them when we started dating, he was adamant he never used them whilst we were together but would not answer me when I asked him if he was on them now

    He dated a lot previous to meeting me and after his divorce, probably about 20 women in 2 years for either few weeks or a few months, he was always honest with me about this during our relationship and we talked about it many times concluding he was just trying to fill a void and feel something for someone and that he wasn’t really enjoying himself with any of them.

    When he met me things were different and I honestly believe he was very much in love with me at the beginning, I think as the newness wore off he was still left with being unhappy with himself and being depressed.

    And I think he’s just reverted back to his old patterns to try and fill this void again since we’ve split. From reading various articles it would appear he’s able to move on so quickly as in his head he disconnected from me a long time ago where as I am dealing with it freshly.

     

    I don’t think he’s a bad person I don’t think he would intentionally hurt me and I know he’s really struggling with depression so I think that’s why I make allowances

    I don’t think I’m ever going to get the true honesty over what happened as I think he’s afraid of hurting me or me becoming upset with him.

    I do really value a friendship with him and feel the other issues are for me to work on alone as to why I stayed with him so long when he was barely showing me any interest and not fulfilling his side of the relationship.

    I know staying friends may cause more pain if and when he meets someone but I think I’m willing to take that risk whilst also moving on with my own life separately, I’ve suggested to him that we should perhaps have some guidelines about how our friendship should look so that neither of us gets hurt or confused and I hope this will make things more straightforward

    Or am being crazy thinking that could work?

    September 3, 2017 at 6:22 am #166746
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zoe:

    It doesn’t seem to me likely to work, a friendship with him, because, seems like he moved on from the monogamous relationship with you, but you haven’t. These are the feelings you experience as a result of the breakup and him moving on, that is, him doing the online dating:

    “I feel so betrayed….It makes me feel worthless… I just feel so disposable”-

    These feelings are not the basis of a workable friendship. They are the basis of a kind of a friendship where you wait for him to return to you, return to a monogamous relationship with you, feeling miserable until he does.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

     

    September 3, 2017 at 8:53 am #166764
    Zoe
    Participant

    I am sure that I’m not waiting for him to return, I know the relationship was not right for me and for the second half of our relationship he did not treat me as he should of. I think I am to blame for accepting this mainly because I didn’t want to loose him from my life, the only time this would change would be if he could sort himself out, but I think this is probably quite unlikely at least for a long time. And I’m not waiting for this to happen.

     

    I think the betrayal and disposable thing come from the fact but I thought he’d been on line before we split and my ex partner before him had also done the same thing. Unfortunately for some people I think online relationships are more disposable as they know there are always more options.

    I really do think after our conversation that this was not the case with him until after we split.

    I know for most people it doesn’t make sense to be friends but I feel really that is what we were for a while before the split. I don’t want to cause myself further hurt and I know that could happen as the split is still very fresh for me.

     

    September 3, 2017 at 9:10 am #166768
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zoe:

    Regarding online dating, the activity itself can be addicting, exciting, new people, new faces, new postings to respond to… and so, it may not at all indicate (in case of your ex partner before him) anything but excitement over the activity itself.

    I hope this friendship does work for you. Like in any friendship, you can evaluate it later in time, look back, see if and how it works for you and proceed from there.

    anita

    September 3, 2017 at 11:48 am #166796
    Zoe
    Participant

    I agree for some people I can imagine it can be quite addictive.

     

    I think that’s how I’m going to look at the friendship, I know not all friendships are forever and things may change, and I feel a bit more rational about it all now. I also see it as a good time to do some work on myself away from any romantic relationships.

     

    September 4, 2017 at 8:44 am #166864
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zoe:

    Your thoughts make sense to me. I hope you post again anytime.

    anita

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