Hello, newbie here….and desperate to find a way out of my hole. I will try and keep it as to the point as I can.

Heading for 40, and I just have run out of enthusiasm and trust. I was really badly treated by my ‘best friend’ last September, then following that another friend was not was he made out to be at all, which knocked me sideways. My husband kept a three year close friendship secret with a woman at work, been numerous arguments and turbulance since, although much better as hes moved to another building miles away. Family issues with my mother who is by nature a vindictive woman, we didn’t speak for two years, and then a year ago we made amends of sorts, but I keep her at arms length due to her nature and do what I need to do for the sake of my Dad and 9yo son.

There has been 3 incidents in the last year of my husband being violent, two of which he says were accidents. I do still love him and I value family life. But I have been with him since 14, no indepence have I ever had…theres allot of water under the bridge and all that.

Losing my best friend has meant no nights out or weekends away, I don’t miss her due to a year or more of being treated badly then the last straw being last September.

I am not looking to blame, and feel I have forgiven the things that have happened. I just feel empty. I have tried making it as a painter and even that I have no enthusiasm for. I have pretty much cut myself off from Facebook, Twitter etc. everything feels pointless.

I have taken up an Aqua Zumba class to get myself out of the house, intigrated much better healthier eating, read self help books, confidence motivation hypnotherapy cd etc etc…so its not like I am not trying.

But being at home alone most of the time just reduces me to tears, theres no passion, adventure, enthusiasm in any area of my life and I just do not know what is wrong with me! I do have allot to be grateful for and even writing those down etc hasn’t helped. Its a feeling of nothingness, aimless pointlessness…many nights I hope I just don’t wake up. I am not suicidal, nor thinking that way, its just better to be asleep than awake….I am not normally like this, I cannot boil it down to one thing I can try to fix, its just there….I used to dance around all the time, loved to party, loved taking risks, enjoyed being a mum. And while I still enjoy my boys company, its not how it used to feel. I am even questioning whether I am suffering depression? I had two and a half years post natal depression on Prozac and I really do not want to go back into that walking coma…..any thoughts much appreciated, I am tired of being in my own head with feeling this way. I did talk to my husband, but it was of little help.

Many thanks in advance
moon xx