Hey! the best thing to do, either forgive her totally and accept her for what she is now, or just leave her and bury things behind.

those things she has done will always be a “ghost” that haunts you back to no end. they will keep coming back as long as you are still with her. so the only solution i can think of is leave and find someone you be really be happy with, someone you can accept for what she really is.

… or you can go and continue suffering. end your misery. i guess you know what to do, you just don’t wanna do it.

Iris

Patryk,

I sympathize with the difficulty we can have in letting go of the past, and especially when the past was painful. I really like the way you’re trying to settle your baggage, rather than trying to change her. It is a brave and noble shift inward, and you’re doing great all things considered! A few things came to heart as I read your words:

Sometimes when we have an experience that is very painful, that pain shoots out of our mind and places a stain on the person we feel gave us that pain. For instance, she slept with your best friend, and in your devastating emotional fallout, you attached a “cheater” label to her and put a rift in the connection. It was no longer “us navigating this world together” but “her actions and my pain”. This is normal and usual, but it can also be healed.

If you go back in your mind to the girl that was with your best friend and look deeply, you can see that there was a huge mess of stuff going on for her. There was confusion, hormones, shame, conflict, plus goodness knows what else. We aren’t really in her head, so we only look enough to see that it was a huge mess of conditions that lead her to make the choice. There was your dear, sweet partner… caught up in emotions and feelings that pulled her into a choice that was painful for you to see… so painful in fact, that you made it about you. “How could she do that to me!?!” Well, now you see that there are a ton of reasons why bit happened, and those reasons overwhelmed her ability to remain loyal.

So, fast forward to now. If you see that our choices are a matter of conditions pulling and pushing us in directions, do you think the same conditions are there for her? Are you still afraid that her inner chaos will lead her to ignore your importance to her? If yes, then talk to her about it. Tell her you suffer with fear, and you would like help letting it go… because she is important to you and you don’t want the fear interrupting the beautiful connection you share. Hearts can be innovative when open and connected, I’m sure you two can work something out.

If you don’t have fear that she will succumb to the same type of conditions, then its time to let go directly. The girl she was and the boy you were are both gone, dead, evolved, metamorphosed into the man and woman you are today. The conditions are not the same, and it is the many internal and external conditions that provoke dumb actions. So, turn away from the stain you placed on her character… that was your dumb action. Its preventing you from seeing the incredible beauty you have in front of you!

Another thing to consider is some metta practice. Metta is loving kindness, or a sense of inner and outer nobility and grace. Having the emotion of metta in our body does amazing things for agitation… often dissolving it before it ever grabs us. Search YouTube for “jayasaro metta” if you’re interested.

I’m so excited and enthusiastic about your observations. People looking inward to settle their baggage is far too rare in this world. Congrats on being a hero!

With warmth,
Matt