Dear Roxanna:

His expectation, as I understand it, that you and him will always be affectionate and intimate, emotionally close, or at least that the two of you will be so every time he needs it, is unreasonable. What he expects is unrealistic.. with any human being on the face of this earth.

No two people can be close all the time. It is impossible. Everything is in motion, it is the nature of the physical world, even rock molecules are in constant (slow) motion, moving away and closer to each other all the time, none stop.

It is not natural for either rock molecules or people to be the same all the time, to stop moving, always close.

Your need to be alone at times is reasonable and the funny thing is he has the same need, only not at the same times you do.

He left Ohio because he didn’t get his always-close need met there either. He most likely was not close enough, loved by his parents and that need for closeness lingers and has become extreme.

There is healing to be done. Through couple or one to one therapy, for him and/or through good communication between the two of you. Like you mentioned, he does need to take responsibility for his feelings. As long as he blames you for the feelings he had before he met you (!), the rift will continue and he will accomplish the opposite of what he wants.

His behavior is not effective for his self interest. He needs closeness and he is achieving the opposite. If you cannot deliver this message to him, good psychotherapy may be necessary.

What do you think so far?

anita

Dear Roxanna:

In your original post you wrote: “he just got up and moved to California from Ohio after we met on a online game.”

It is amazing to me that a man with a very close relationship with his parents in Ohio, and great friends in Ohio and a great social support network overall in Ohio, will leave all that just like that and move to California … after fast online game relationship.

I hope the two of you do attend good couple psychotherapy when you can afford it. Until then, there are self help groups in CA, like maybe codependents anonymous that are free to attend.

Please post anytime:
anita

Roxanna your boyfriend sounds like he definitely has an insecurity in the way he forms attachments to others (and even if he loves his parents, could have stemmed from there too). I am myself this way and didn’t realize it until entering my first serious relationships in adulthood. I am very close with my parents but certain ways that I was brought up and influenced by them and others (as well as having very low self esteem and shyness) still impact the more confident and outgoing adult I’ve become. What has helped me heal and take responsibility for my feelings was therapy, an understanding of codependence (as anita has mentioned) and especially the book on attachment styles (http://www.attachedthebook.com/about-the-book/). That book has been a soothing therapist for me on its own.

Your boyfriend has an anxious attachment style, though you sound relatively secure but just need some space, understandably. I would also read up on the 5 love languages. I, too, told my last boyfriend that while he seemed to think he was spending a lot of time with me, I wasn’t feeling fulfilled with it because it wasn’t the type of quality time (focused on each other, in deep discussions, etc.) that would’ve left me satisfied after a while and able to calm down and become more of my independent self again. I can also identify with not having as much of a support system initially which is very important to work on, but it does take a lot of time, effort, and patience on both of your parts. My first focus with your relationship would be gently helping him understand that while you love him and want to be supportive, he needs to find his own responsibility in his feelings. A couples counselor would be fantastic for that, I think.

I just wrote a response and submitted but it is missing 🙁 Also, I noticed I wrote boyfriend when I meant husband, so sorry for that!

You can be very confident, intelligent, social, etc. in life but still be very insecure in relationships (either fearful and anxious or avoidant and repressed), unfortunately.

Here are some quotes from the book to describe more of what I think your husband is going through:

“If you’re anxious, when you start to feel something is bothering you in a relationship, you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotions and think in extremes. Unlike your secure counterpart, you don’t expect your partner to respond positively but anticipate the opposite. You perceive the relationship as something fragile and unstable that can collapse at any moment. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively.”

“When your partner feels s/he has a secure base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing.”

One suggestion I will make for your current predicament:
Try gently suggesting that while you spend time with friends or do something on your own that he do something simultaneously with friends. If he doesn’t yet have friends, encourage him to find a hobby or activity meet up where he can meet others and form other close relationships. At first it will at least help distract him from the distress he may feel when he thinks you don’t want to be with him. And then afterwards, make plans to meet up for a dinner, a date, something more intimate, to share your experiences. It’s a way to positively reward his venturing out to do his own thing knowing you’re at home waiting for him while also giving you that healthy breathing room you need.

When I was insecure about my boyfriend making all of these plans for week nights and not making time for me, he suggested that after I get back from one of my hobbies that we get together because I wouldn’t see him the next night like he knew I wanted. Of course, this time together must be quality time or else the triggered attachment system (she doesn’t want to be with me and is just doing this to shut me up!) doesn’t truly get pacified…. which must be hard to do if your attachment system is also still triggered (I haven’t gotten the space I need yet!)

Over a year in this relationship I got much better with my attachment insecurity. It was still there, but I got the healthy push I needed to form close relationships with others, which took some time and is an ongoing pursuit. No one person can serve all your social and connective needs.

It seems to me that your husband is very thirsty for reassurance, and if he feels like what he does get is tiny sips, he will go back to being thirsty almost immediately. What could possibly be happening is not that he truly needs to be with you 100% of the time, but that the time he does have with you is not quenching this thirst. I would try to get to the bottom of why and what this is.

Roxanna you sound like a very level-headed and kind-hearted person. I hope you two are able to work it out. I definitely think you could both benefit from couples therapy or especially individual therapy for him. A good therapist does the same or more to help an individual with attachment issues learn how to form a strong, secure attachment using their relationship with their therapist as a model example.

I hope I didn’t make it seem like this is all on you and that you’re responsible for him feeling this way in any bit! You deserve to have your needs for space met too, and it’s very important that you both harbor your own interests and relationships, though every couple is unique in the balance they strike between what they share and what they keep independent. I think some people will always want more or less, even when they overcome their initial insecurities, and that is totally ok. Clear communication is a must to make these things work.

I think it is good that you are willing to help him see that he needs to rediscover the happiness that is sourced from within him. You said he was initially very independent and lively. Remind him of that if you can, and that you are not going anywhere right now, while he works on himself to find that happiness again. I remember thinking “what has happened to that?” reflecting on my past independence and happiness. It is sad when you give that to someone else to be responsible for, and scary when you don’t even realize that you have until it has already happened. Not feeling connected to others and have a support network is also a big factor, like you mention.

Ideally you eventually find a compromise that you are both happy with, but it will take him more effort to become more conscious of what is happening to him too. Patience goes a long way here 🙂

Dear Roxanna:

I read in your post on another thread, the art thread: ” I tend to focus on subject of the self, what lies inside.”

This sentence makes me curious. Would you like to tell me more about the meaning in that sentence?

anita

(This is a copy of a post I sent you a few days ago. You didn’t reply to it. Would you like to reply to it now? If not, it will be and already is okay with me. I will not try reaching out to you again. Take care).