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Strange "Day Off"

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  • December 2, 2013 at 1:22 pm #46085
    Michelle
    Participant

    My boyfriend has lived alone for a long time, and we’ve been together just shy of 4 months. He spends 6 nights a week at my house, and goes home on Monday nights. I’m confused as to why this particular night is “his night” to stay at his place, and when I’ve asked him he claims there’s no specific reason he has chosen that night. I understand that he needs to go to his place for various reasons, but don’t understand why he either doesn’t stay there more than one night a week, or why his going there has to be overnight. When he’s called me on his night at home he typically sounds like he’s been drinking, so I kinda suspect a drinking issue, although he doesn’t drink much, if at all, when we’re together. Is there any men out there that might be able to enlighten me, since he doesn’t seem to be able to explain why. Because I’ve been blindsided, cheated on, and abandoned before, my brain is going nuts trying to “figure this out”. It seems like strange behavior to me and the couple women I’ve confided in.

    December 2, 2013 at 8:28 pm #46114
    Joseph
    Participant

    Hello Michelle,

    Well you certainly have every right to find the behavior strange. One thing it’s possible that some guys have issues with intimacy and fear of loss of independence.

    Maybe it’s just him needing space to deal with it or it could be something to worry about. Let me ask you this. It he is not cheating, then is it ok for him to have that regular time away or do you prefer someone more traditional?

    Some people would love time alone and extra space. This may not be you. In the end a relationship should be two people who enjoy each others company and share a compromise that is reasonable to both people.

    You strike me as someone who wants above average security and he sounds like he may be offering below average emotional support.

    Suggestion, and I seem to make this one a lot on here but it’s such a great book get the book attached http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

    This book does a better job of anything I have ever read of explaining why anxious people in relationships like you and me end up with people who avoid intimacy. It’s super interesting and helpful and provides some interesting perspectives.

    December 4, 2013 at 12:59 pm #46199
    Jade
    Participant

    To me, there is nothing “strange” about this arrangement at all! If I had such an arrangement with my BF, I’d probably find it perfect, but as it is we just live separately and that’s cool for now. I even have a girlfriend who enjoys it if one night a week her boyfriend hangs out with his guy friends, while she sits in front of the fireplace and knocks back a couple glasses of scotch!

    In my experience, when it comes to dating and figuring out if your relationship is “normal”, “normal” is overrated. Do what feels right to you, everything else is just noise. 😉

    December 4, 2013 at 5:35 pm #46202
    Matt
    Participant

    Michelle,

    I can understand why it is perplexing, and how your past experiences fill the void with all sorts of stories as to what he is doing and why. With the relationship being so new, it is very usual to have questions and difficulties with boundaries. Its not abnormal for one or both partners to take a little space away… rather, it seems quite healthy. Much like being in a “man cave”, him being alone is a chance for him to relax, kick back, fart, scratch, and let go. I think a much more interesting mystery to examine is why your mind paints the time with fear. Said differently, unless there are other indications of infidelity or emotional distance, perhaps his taking some space is a great time for you to also let go of the mental stories that play out, and have a fun girls night.

    This helps Tuesday become a refreshed meeting of hearts, rather than Monday being a challenge to your sense of security. Said differently, when you settle the fear that he is doing something which harms the relationship, the time away will actually help the intimacy become stronger. Its not healthy to “lose ourselves” in a relationship, and a little time away to breathe can help make sure that doesn’t happen!

    Namaste, sister. May you find peace and joy.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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