Anita

I think you are right. I was just dismissed as being too sensitive or just immature but it’s taken me until now to realise that the way I react to things and feel things are just as they are. I don’t need validation or approval from anybody but myself.

I attribute the tiger to my own stubbornness sometimes, especially when people are trying to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t like people reminding me or pointing out my flaws or limitations – somebody I know and trust recently called me and we had a conversation where he told me why I shouldn’t pursue a particular course of action. I was upset and felt attacked when he was telling me this – I know he had my best interests at heart and I didn’t want to be reminded of my limitations. Sometimes I still find myself getting angry about this conversation even though it happened a month ago – how dare he point out my flaws and limitations? How dare he be so judgemental? How dare he scrutinize I’m aware of my own flaws and shortcomings but I don’t need to be reminded or told by other people because I have my pride. Tigers, like peacocks are proud creatures as well.

But beyond all of this anger and defensiveness about my wounded pride, there was a valid message beneath it all – having to face up to reality. It’s a brutal sobering experience, having to wake up and face reality when I spent the past few months entertaining an extremely foolish course of action – I was planning to run away to teach English in China.

I planned everything – I’d leave without saying goodbye and it would be the start of my brand new life and my career. I felt I had to take this because that’s what life is about, taking opportunities and raising the bar. I had my heart set on it for a few years. I first started reading articles on Tiny Buddha in late 2013/early 2014, right after the horrific year dealing with de-personalization and de-realisation. Articles and stories from people who just ‘went with the flow’ and went travelling and just said ‘f**k it I’m going to take this opportunity, screw the consequences’. At least, that was the vibe that I got.

I thought to myself – “I really want to do that! To prove it to myself that I can do it. To escape from my problems.” Around that time I had gotten accepted onto that graphic design internship in Spain. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I wasn’t the kind of person who got accepted onto great opportunities or winning competitions or anything like that. It raised the bar for me and made me want to dream big. Dream unrealistic. I wanted to believe that because things in my life were less than ideal and things never went according to plan for me, it must all be a sign that I was destined for better things. I was so incredibly up my own arse.

But I realise how incredibly foolish and reckless that could have been – the flights were provided by the learning institutions but I had no way of returning home if things didn’t go according to plan. I didn’t consider everything, I was just too focused on running away and starting a new life.

China is off the cards for the foreseeable future, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. I’m not doing great with any of my freelance work. Realising this and facing up to what is – it seems dreadful at first and I wanted to avoid that dreadful feeling but it is as it is. Addressing my pride has compelled me to take action.

It’s perhaps made me realise that making such a reckless impulsive decision, making bad decisions in general and not being careful with my finances might be a sign of bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I know I should seek further help about this but I need to swallow my pride first. Writing my experiences of 2012/2013 was my way of reminding me that I got through that rough patch in my life, I can get through this next one.

Tigers are fiery, proud, wild and formidable but part of me thinks I’d rather be a tiger than be the timid rabbit I thought was leading me down into the rabbit hole in 2012/2013.

What do you think?

Joe

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Joe.

Anita

It’s a fine balancing act, needing to find the in-between of what it is I need to be and what I need in other people. It would be nice to be around people who encourage and believe in me but at the same time not discouraging me, feeding the fears or instilling too much encouragement. Lately I am thinking about the dynamics of many of my relationships. Most of which, they do all the talking 90% of the time. They are either talking down to me as if I am a clueless child, or they are talking AT me as if I am attending a lecture. I have things I’d like to add to the conversation but I can’t because they force the conversation on what they say, and I am never given an opportunity to add to the conversation. They will just waffle on for hours and then go off on a tangent, when it is my turn to speak they have changed the subject. I find it hard to follow through when people lecture me.

This person I spoke of – I really don’t want to dislike him but there have been many times throughout the supposed friendship where we clashed or he rubbed me the wrong way, and now I start to doubt our compatibility as friends. Generally he talks in a patronising way and sometimes he just comes across as insensitive – he accused me of wanting to go for the China opportunity because I saw it as a vacation which I was really offended by, he thinks it is okay to ask questions about my earnings when I was always brought up on the idea that it’s rude to talk about money in social situations. He often makes annoying and very stereotypical remarks about my lifestyle choices and the kind of music I listen to – if he is not saying stupid things like “ROCK ON DUDE!” like he’s from that film Wayne’s World or something, he makes more idiotic comments that I’m a satanist (he is religious) and he is part of a friendship group I was part of two years ago but I really don’t want to be around. They are all quite judgemental towards others and I can’t help but wonder what they say about me behind my back when they are slagging other people off and scrutinising them. I’ve been avoiding them for the past year and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve told this person I’ve moved to another part of the country just to get out of going for nights out with these people because I genuinely don’t enjoy spending time with them.

I don’t need validation or approval from everybody and it’s not my purpose in life to seek those things from people. I did that before and I became a junkie for approval. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t need constant compliments but I don’t need criticism where it’s not due. I’d just like to find people who are cool enough to let me get on and make my own choices and not push me around.

I think I know what you are getting at about seeking a connection with another person – I guess I’m not looking for that kind of relationship with somebody else, at least not now. I’m too cynical and jaded about relationships in general and I don’t believe being in a relationship or being married is the be-all end-all, the fairytale ending where they live happily ever after…I just can’t spend too long around a person, I’d resent them or they would end up resenting me. The majority of people I have known end up intentionally or unintentionally dragging me down into their drama and bulls**t and I just can’t deal with somebody else’s drama on a 24 hour basis. I know I sound incredibly selfish but I’m just being honest, personal relationships aren’t for me at this time.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I am happy being single and I don’t feel the need to explain myself. Society at large seems to have a problem with people who are single – if people aren’t in a relationship, they are clearly sad and lonely or they are some kind of freak and other people will take it upon themselves to play matchmaker without even considering their feelings.

I was always made to feel inadequate for being single, back when my self-esteem and confidence were at their worst. I wasn’t attractive as a teenager – I was spotty, overweight and greasy and sometimes I’d be approached by girls who would say “My friend fancies you” when they were just clearly taking the piss. I’ve been in relationships before but they all ended. When I reached my twenties, other people started to act shocked about the fact I was single – “That’s so sad!” “Why are you single?” “Are you lonely?” “Are you gay?” “I’m going to set you up with somebody.” It’s also the same with my sense of humour – I am able to laugh at myself and be self-depreciating. The last time somebody asked why I was single, I said “They would have to be absolutely stark raving mad to consider being with me.” They were really shocked – “Oh my god, you can’t say that about yourself!” That is what I believe, somebody would have to be mad to put up with me – in fact, I insist upon it!

I get it from relatives as well – “Ohhhhh you’re going to get married next!” “When are you getting married?” “When are you having kids?” People seem to make assumptions – “Oh, when you have kids you will……” or “When you get married….” I personally don’t believe in marriage and I don’t want kids. My aunt is under the impression that I’m supposed to be some kind of playboy and that I am constantly flirting and chatting up women and sleeping around. Every time I’m on my smartphone she always says “Ooooh, who are you texting? A new girlfriend we don’t know about?” “No, I was just looking on Amazon for art supplies?” Society dictates that’s what all young men should be like. I find that most men who subscribe to this idea are just vulgar and disrespectful.

I learned to make peace with being single. I’m not unhappy. As far as I’m concerned I can do whatever the hell I want, I am single, it’s my choice and it doesn’t define me as a person. I don’t need relationships to define me. Me being okay with being single has meant that it’s my decision, it’s something I own, I’m in control and nobody else can take that away from me. Having said that, I’m not entirely against the idea of being not single, but it would have to be the right person and the right circumstances. Rather be single and lonely than spend time with people I really don’t enjoy spending time with.

Joe

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Joe.

Anita

I have had a few wonderful understanding friendships – I had seeked them out as friendships because they were my kind of people. They also had not-so-shiny-and-happy pasts so they never judged. But sadly this was back at university and we have gone our separate ways now, they have moved on and the friendship just ceased. No other way to describe it. There was somebody I thought I could trust but he was the person I described in ‘a friendship that wasn’t really a friendship’. I even tried to get in touch with him a few months ago to apologise even though I can honestly say I had nothing to apologise for but he doesn’t want to know anymore.

The only person I know who gets me is my best friend – we’ve been friends for 20 years now. We torture each other and irritate each other at the worst of times but she is the only person who makes any attempt to understand me.

Joe

Anita

You are right, I only know what I know – I learn and experience in my own time and nobody else’s. Other people just seem intent on spoon-feeding me because they have more experience than I do – which is fair enough but I would rather learn from my own experiences than being told by other people.

It’s interesting how you suggest that the people who are so judgemental didn’t have shiny happy pasts, these people who seemingly have everything. It never really occurred to me I guess, I just thought some people were mean and judgemental and too conservative just for the sake of being those things.

I don’t know for certain what causes them to act so judgemental – insecurity? Peer pressure? Take this person who called me and made me doubt myself – I think he was always pressured to act and behave in a certain way and pushed to succeed, he must also faced a lot of scrutiny from everybody growing up and now he has a high-profile job, the pressure and scrutiny to do well all the time with no margin for error. Being somebody who often thinks the worst in people, I just thought he was being a smug arsehole just for the sake of being that.

My older sister – she was always the nice one, the pretty one, the girl who was popular, loads of friends and always went to parties. Is it that she had a lot to live up to, being the popular girl? Did she feel insecure and couldn’t allow herself to be flawed for fear that they would look down on her and say mean things?

Is them being judgemental and condescending their way of avoiding their own insecurities of feeling scrutinised? Do they judge according to how they fear they might be judged?

I never really thought about it that way. I always thought that they just act that way because they can.

This is interesting. I have a lot to think about now. Thankyou for helping me to reach this viewpoint.

What do you think?

Joe

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Joe.

Anita

I don’t think of your suggestions as spoon-feeding at all. I think of your suggestions as signposts and directions. You don’t force me to take a particular course of action or pressurise me into taking a particular direction. I don’t mind receiving advice from you at all. You allow me to make up my own mind about things, and that’s why I really enjoy our correspondence.

My course of action now is to find a job. I recently started volunteering at a charity/thrift shop again and I’ve missed working in a place like that, to get out the house and hopefully it will lead to me finding a paid job – I’d much rather find work that involves interacting and engaging with something other than a computer screen. Even carrying large bags to the staff area – I find that I enjoy it. I’m also considering applying to do my masters next year. I’m taking action and that’s better than not taking action. It’s better than waiting, like those illustrations I used to make.

Maybe I should start drawing magpies, they are adept at seeking things. Maybe I should start drawing chameleons, they adapt to their surroundings, just as I will need to adapt to all of the job descriptions when I will go for interviews.

Anita, thanks again for your insight. Words can’t describe how grateful I am for how you have helped me to see the light on many areas in my life over the past year or so – I’ve grown. A lot.

I always look forward to reading your responses

Joe