Home→Forums→Relationships→Still trying to let go of one-sided love
- This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by Vesper.
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March 10, 2016 at 12:20 pm #98558dreaming715Participant
First, I’d like to say I’m thankful for this site and the people who are a part of it. I’m still carrying some negative emotions and thought expressing them would be best.
Brief back-story: I met a man who is a Resident Physician 8 months ago. We’ve had a “relationship” which seemed like a cycle of him being interested in me and then emotionally backing away to the point of not contacting me for several days. He ended things about 1 month ago. I still had a few of his things. After several failed attempts to meet up because of him cancelling, I ended up mailing him his things with a short and polite “good-bye” letter.
I felt more at peace and was starting to accept that I wouldn’t hear from him again. I was very happy with how I concluded my part of the ending of our relationship. I was happy I returned his things and felt I had concluded things positively on my end.
Well he texted me thanking me for mailing his things and for sending a thoughtful letter. He then asked me if he could see me for dinner. I should have declined. I should have ended it right there, but I didn’t. I had this fantasy in my mind that something between us was going to shift and he’d “proclaim” how he really wanted to be with me.
There was no fairy tale ending. He seemed a little distant at dinner. He asked if I was seeing anyone. I told him I wasn’t. He said he realized he just wanted to be single and not get into anything serious. We briefly talked about some of his past behaviors with “pulling away” and he openly stated, “I think you maybe liked me more than I liked you.”
A rational person would probably hear this statement and be done with the person. Apparently, I’m not a rational person- I’m a desperate one. After hearing this I STILL made the decision to go back to his place with him after dinner. I STILL made the decision to be physically intimate with him even though there was no emotion there on his end (which kind of broke my heart even more).
Before I left he mentioned something about how he’d like to get together again but didn’t propose a specific date to do so. I deleted his number from my phone (again). I also deleted him from my social media apps.
Was our connection and growth as a couple during the first several months of our relationship completely meaningless?!? Did I imagine it when he told me he had never been to a particular location and wanted to travel there with me? Did I imagine it when he said, “You know more about me than my friends do.” Did I imagine it when he said he wanted to show me the video from his brother’s wedding to point out his relatives and show me how their culture celebrates wedding ceremonies?
I can’t understand how all of our experiences can be meaningless to him? This breaks my heart. All I can say is that he admitted he never liked me as much as I liked him and I’ll give him exactly what he wants, which is a life… without ME in it.
March 10, 2016 at 12:49 pm #98559AnonymousGuestDreaming715:
Your pain is evident in this post, clearly evident. Your frustration with yourself is also evident.
The cycle of him being interested in you and withdrawing started 8 months ago and continued until very recently. There was a break, you returned his things and it is back on again.
I think that you felt good when you returned his things with a nice goodbye letter because that was you exercising some control over a situation that was out of your control. Returning his things was a symbolic way on your part to exercise some control over a relationship in which you had a sense of no control.
There was a relief then, but a dinner and physical intimacy and you are back to the sense of no control over your own behavior in the relationship.
And this is the point, i believe: control. It is necessary for our mental health to exercise reasonable control over our lives. I say Reasonable because a lot is out of our control. In your relationship with this man, HIS behavior was out of your control. It would be unreasonable for you to expect to control his behavior. On the other hand it would have been reasonable for you to exercise control over your participation in the relationship.
Sure, you were there, making the choices, like you did when choosing to have dinner and be physically intimate with him last time, but it was not a choice you made with much awareness and so, it was sort of an automatic behavior on your part, one lacking thoughtfulness, awareness.
You were “desperate” as you wrote, not thoughtful, not “centered”- not in control.
And that is not a good place to operate from. In your last sentence you wrote that he will get what he wants, a life without you in it. I suppose so. But you, your life should have YOU in it, you in the center of your life, you thinking and exercising reasonable control over your participation in your life.
What do you think?
anita
March 10, 2016 at 3:35 pm #98569VesperParticipantdreaming715
This is my first post here, and I have no legitimate advice to offer, but I felt compelled to respond anyway. I’ve been in your exact position, and I can empathize. Sometimes the heart has reasons that reason cannot understand. Try not to be too hard on yourself for your moment of weakness, or for wanting something that all logic tells you isn’t meant for you. I believe the process of letting go takes time. It’s not a horrible thing to love someone, even if that person isn’t capable of returning your love. It is to your credit that you have a loving heart, and you will find someone who appreciates what you have to offer. Be gentle with yourself and have a great day.
March 11, 2016 at 3:34 am #98651DaisyBuchananParticipantDreaming:
This is my first post here. While I have not been in exactly the same situation, I have been through something which I will call similar. If you are looking and OK with something physical only with that person, you should not feel guilty about being intimate with them. However, as your post indicates this is not the case, something purely physical is not honoring your true self. You should tell them this if they attempt to contact you again. If you feel the two of you have/had more of a connection than that, tell the person what you think the connection is, without sounding desperate or angry. You can trust your intuition here. If they are not ready to honor that connection, they should definitely not be in your life. You do not need to feel badly about yourself even for a second for trusting in something you felt at any point. However, you should be true and honest with yourself about who that person is, and with that person about what you are about. You do not have to allow this person to contact you at will as some sort of booty call if you don’t want that. Trust yourself that you have the strength to take care of you 🙂
March 11, 2016 at 6:55 pm #98770dreaming715ParticipantAnita- You said, “Returning his things was a symbolic way on your part to exercise some control over a relationship in which you had a sense of no control.” I think this is absolutely correct! I also like that you said, “On the other hand it would have been reasonable for you to exercise control over your participation in the relationship.” I wish I would have stuck to my standards and left months ago. I think that’s part of my learning experience. It’s so difficult, but hopefully the end result of letting go will be an emotionally strengthening and fulfilling experience.
Vesper- Thank you for the kind words. I like that you said, “It is to your credit that you have a loving heart.” I believe I can walk away from this relationship knowing that I exercised a lot of love, care, and patience with this person- even during times when I was hurting. I gave it my all, he just wasn’t capable of receiving it or (possibly) appreciating it.
DaisyBuchanan- Thank you for this, “You can trust your intuition here. If they are not ready to honor that connection, they should definitely not be in your life. You do not need to feel badly about yourself even for a second for trusting in something you felt at any point.” Very well put. I felt a connection and I trusted it. This person wasn’t capable of giving or receiving the love that was there. I will try my best to take your advice that I have the strength to take care of myself.
March 11, 2016 at 7:25 pm #98771AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
And please practice patience and great gentleness with yourself as you go through this learning. Best learning happens when you are calm and gentle with your self. Please do post anytime!
anita
March 11, 2016 at 9:58 pm #98780dreaming715ParticipantAnita, thank you for your response. I can’t wait for the feeling of anger to dissipate. There are times when I think about what it would be like for him to contact me and to release all of the months of anger and frustration and tell him how much hurt I feel.
I know he wouldn’t particularly care or say anything beyond a simple “I’m sorry it ended up this way.”
What are healthy ways to release this feeling of anger and tension? Write about it and then crumple up the paper? Do you think there’s anything else I can do?
March 12, 2016 at 6:48 am #98801AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
I would express to him your anger this one time, clearly, honestly and directly.
You were angry at him before but ignored your anger, didn’t you? You thought it will hurt your chances to having a relationship with him… maybe things will work out, you thought to yourself (?), so you pushed down the anger. A mistake. Your anger had a valid message to deliver to you when you felt it then and it still does.
I believe that the message is that you are a worthy person and you were hurt and you need to do something about it. This is why anger exists: to motivate us to correct the hurt we are feeling. It is natural.
As part of my learning process here, I would now honor my anger. Not too late. As I express my anger to him (talking, writing, your choice), I would do it this way:
1. Legally.
2. No apologies before, during or after (!)
3. No sugar coating it, no mentioning your responsibility for your participation in the interactions (this is about his behavior and he is responsible for his behavior!)
4. I would list to myself the exact behaviors on his part that were hurtful, that weren’t right and make sure that indeed he owns these behaviors, his responsibility, not yours and let him know these specific behaviors were wrong, hurt you and he is responsible for those behaviors.
5. This is not about how he would react to your expression of your anger, your assertion. It is not about what he will say. If part of you still wishes he would esteem you and a relationship will take place, do not let this interfere with this assertion. If there is a chance for a relationship, IF, an authentic expression of your anger can only help. The old ways did not help.This may very well be personal, if you take on my suggestion, too personal to share, but if you feel comfortable with sharing part of it, part of the preparation of this communication to him, looking for my feedback, please do.
anita
March 13, 2016 at 11:17 am #98857dreaming715ParticipantThanks, Anita. I would tell him there are several standards I must uphold in my friendships and relationships with others:
1) Dependability/Trust. On a basic level you have to trust that your friend/partner is dependable. There were multiple times when he would tell me, “We should meet-up this weekend,” or “I’ll text you tomorrow,” and then he would never contact me.2) Consistency. When I’m in a relationship with someone, I need a level of consistency. I understand work schedules change, life gets hectic, etc… But I don’t appreciate someone texting me multiple times a day, asking to see me several times that week, and then suddenly withdrawing to the point of not texting and going at least two weeks without an effort to see me. Also resorting to last minute plans the majority of the time is difficult. That type of inconsistency makes me feel confused.
3) Communication. The person I’m in a relationship with has to at least make an effort to communicate how they’re honestly feeling. There were times when he wouldn’t be forthright with me about his feelings. He would use vague statements like, “Let’s just see where this goes.” “I don’t know where our future will lead… only time will tell.”
I would like my future partner to be honest in his intentions of being in a relationship with me, such as saying: “I like you and want to experience more things together and continue getting to know you.”
Those are three of my standards for friendships and relationships. He has never been able to meet those three for longer than a few weeks at a time, therefore I have to say good-bye.
March 13, 2016 at 11:43 am #98861AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
Excellent assertion: clear, direct, honest, excellent! What you wrote above is still not a final draft, correct? If I was to write him a note, I would edit the above to suit the purpose of expressing my anger. I would not list my standards for a healthy relationship because in this exercise you are not seeking a relationship with him (and therefore letting him know what your standards for a relationship with him are).
I offered to edit your writing to him in my previous post. This is my initial effort of editing. If you see value in it, please do edit the following. The whole exercise, to express your anger authentically, requires your editing, again and again, so to see to it that it is indeed authentic and true:
1) You told me multiple times: “We should meet-up this weekend,” or “I’ll text you tomorrow,” and then you did not follow through what you told me. It was wrong of you to not walk your talk, to not follow through with what you told me.
2) You (how often?) texted me multiple times a day, asking to see me, and then suddenly you withdrew to the point of going at least two weeks without any effort to text me, answer my texts or see me. It was wrong of you to withdraw/ disappear from my life with no warning and no explanation.
3) You were not forthright, not honest and self serving with me about your feelings. You used vague statements like, “Let’s just see where this goes.” “I don’t know where our future will lead… only time will tell.” You mislead me by being vague. It was wrong of you to choose vague language so to confuse me.
I hope you find this valuable. If you do, would you like to edit (your writing, my editing) next?
anita
March 15, 2016 at 3:48 pm #99091VesperParticipantdreaming715
This is going to seem silly, but something has been bothering me about my earlier response and I wanted to offer an explanation and apology. I wrote “I’ve been in your exact position,” but of course it was not exact, and I didn’t mean to marginalize what you were feeling by trying to match your experience with my own. It was only that when I read your post it resonated with me so clearly that, in my effort to empathize, I misspoke. Hope you understand. You’ve been on my mind (obviously) for a few days now and I hope you are well. Keep smiling and have a great week.
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