Grenada and Anita: just saw your posts!  Not sure how I missed them.

Grenada–I totally relate to everything you’ve said about your TF.  Wish there was a way to message individually or something– it’s so refreshing to hear from someone who gets what I’m experiencing.  It’s super interesting to me how people’s stories about twin flames are super similar…like, they all involve the same themes, same patterns, same behaviours.   And similar to what  you’ve said, even though I’m open to spiritual (and spiritually challenging) experiences, this has by far been one of the hardest for me to confront, because of all the feelings of self-loathing and insecurity and loneliness it’s conjured up inside me.  It’s like suddenly I’m in middle school again and have braces and acne and feel like crap about myself :p

Probably one of the most challenging aspects of this experience is how legitimately bad and judgmental I feel towards myself for still having feelings towards my TF. We went on A FEW DATES.  I live in a super fast-paced city where people date around all the time.  Heck, I date around all the time, lol.  So why am I stuck on this one person who pulled away from me? Who couldn’t be bothered to take the time to have a simple conversation with me, be honest with me, clear the air?  Who made me doubt myself, stirred up old demons inside me?  Why can’t I just be content with guys like N (my ex), who tried to make me happy and learn what makes me tick?

I know my anxious attachment style plays a part of it, but it still doesn’t completely explain the fixation I’ve felt towards this person.  It’s like the more I try to be rational, the less sense it makes– I just have to accept it for what it is.  I’ve been scared to use the TF label because that would mean accepting something that I’ve tried very hard to push away.  But even if I go a day or two or three without thinking about my TF (much), the feelings always return.  It’s like waves that ebb and flow, and the more I fight against the current the stronger my thoughts of him are.

“Maybe I need to stop assuming that because they don’t open up like I do, that they don’t notice things”–VERY TRUE.  I’ve probably made a lot of assumptions about my TF, based on his behaviour, that aren’t necessarily true.  During our last text conversation, after that crazy two-day birthday party where we had just started to open up to each other, he told me that I wasn’t the only one feeling things and that I needed to stop acting like I was the only one that would have difficulty moving on after that weekend.  He said he was still just trying to process what had happened.

It made me realise that I had no clue what was going on in his heart, and that maybe he has been going through some inner turmoil and conflict that i don’t know about.  I’ve been judging him, judging myself, when maybe i just need to accept the situation.  Which is, we both have a lot of work to do before we get together.  Not just him–me.  Because as much as I’d like to think of myself as being more spiritually awakened than him, the truth is that I have a lot of work to do, too.  If we ever do get together (reunite/ascend/that whole lingo lol) I’d like to be in a place where I feel secure enough, in myself and in my life’s path and purpose, to know that even if he were to disappear again, I’d be okay.  I wouldn’t fall apart or drown in doubt and regret and self-admonishment.

And if 100% honest with myself, it’s going to be a while until i get to that place.  I still don’t think I’ve found what truly sets my soul on fire with passion and purpose.  And maybe that’s what I need to do before I reunite with my TF/find my soulmate/etc.

Anita–thank you for your wise words as well.  I know I keep returning to this twin flame terminology, but it definitely helps to see things from a different perspective.  And this idea of  “trusting myself enough to live more spontaneously, less self consciously, less critical of myself, less on guard- like a child” is one that really resonates with me.  I’m an incredibly self-conscious and self-critical person; I always have been.  It’s part of the reason why I’m actually the one that does quite a bit of running in relationships.  I’m scared that the more a person gets to know me, the more they’ll see my flaws, my deficiencies.  But the more I progress in my spiritual journey, the more accepting I’m coming to be towards myself, slowly but surely.  And the more I want real love with someone who wants it with me as well.

Grenada ahh so much of what you said is bringing up really similar thought processes/emotions that I’ve experienced with my twin flame!

I too struggle with feeling emotional and being angry sometimes…anger that I’ve definitely expressed towards my TF.  Like, I’m usually cool, calm and collected–I’m a lawyer, so I rely on a lot on reason and keeping my composure–but when it comes to men and feeling like they disrespected me or overstepped my boundaries, I can blow up and be an a**hole lol. It just really angers me when men take advantage of my kindness and empathy towards them, and don’t show that same level of respect back.  And for some reason my TF set off that anger more than most.

One thing that dealing with my TF has taught me is that it’s okay to express that anger and to feel it—it’s part of the process of accepting and letting go.  As long as you express it in a respectful way without name calling (which unfortunately I’ve definitely done lol).  I’ve realized that I can’t bottle up my emotions or pretend to be the “cool girl” anymore that just goes with the flow and accepts shitty behavior (from people I’m dating or even from friends).  A real relationship with honest communication consists of a dialogue where you feel safe enough to express your needs and negative feelings, not just the warm, fuzzy ones.

And yea, our TF’s don’t automatically deserve access to us and our innermost thoughts.  Especially when they’ve shielded us from theirs.  I think that’s part of the self-love and self-respect thing—I’m open to the idea of one day re-igniting things with my TF, but that’s only if I feel that he’s willing to be open and pursue things, too.  And only if he’s done the work to become someone that’s more self-aware and less “self-involved”, which he’s acknowledged that he has been.  I’m no longer going to be the one to send him texts where I wear my heart on my sleeve and get nothing real in return.  If I ever see him again, I ‘ve decided I just want to listen and receive what he has to say.

It’s funny how he claimed, the last time we saw each other, that he had so many things he wanted to say, yet he didn’t say any of it.  And that’s not ok.

On the positive side, I think something this whole TF experience has taught me is to embrace both the feminine and masculine in myself.  Like, I think things that really attracted me about my TF is that he’s super passionate about his work, driven, and competitive; he’s the type of person that goes after his goals single-mindedly and makes them happen.  With me, I’ve realized that I’ve adopted a kind of lackadaisical attitude about my career….like, I’ve let things happen without setting concrete goals about what I want to accomplish.  And I’ve realized that I have a lot more potential than I’ve given myself credit for and gifts that I want to tap into.

It’s funny how since meeting him, I’ve picked up on his masculine energy a bit—I feel more comfortable expressing anger.  I feel more comfortable being assertive and direct, even if guys perceive me as a b*tch.  Yet I’ve also embraced my feminine energy more too…I’ve found myself wanting to be pursued in a relationship, and realizing that’s okay.  I want to be with someone that feels comfortable enough in their skin to be open and not play games and make the first move.  And I’ve realized that I want to date someone that has also fully embraced their feminine and masculine side—who has no problem with being affectionate and tender, but can also be forthright and assertive.  It may be a lot to ask lol, but I don’t want to settle in a relationship.  I’d much rather just date around, have good friends and enjoy my life.

And ughh, I know the feeling you described about being in that person’s arms and wishing it was with your TF.  That happens to me all the time, where I feel sad and messed up and annoyed with myself because the person that’s showing interest in me is not the person I truly want.  I felt conflicted ALL THE TIME when I was with N, but wanted to be with S.  It felt like I was emotionally cheating on him.  I still feel bad about it.  But I guess things were never meant to be with N anyway, and being with him did bring me closer to the type of relationship that I ultimately want.

I’m really glad that you’ve come to realizations about your TF.  One thing that’s helped me a lot is setting boundaries with mine (in my last text I told him that if we ever saw each other again in a social setting, we should keep our distance).  At first I was angry when he didn’t respond.  But then I realized it was silly to expect him to–he’s never been communicative, even though I’ve given him the space and opportunities to come around.  And I get the sense that him not responding is his way of having control over the situation—like, HE wants to be the one that decides when we shouldn’t talk.  If it were up to him he’d probably just let things be open-ended forever.  Even when I practically begged him for closure.

In the end I think the closure has to come within ourselves.  Like you said, I think that’s the purpose of this experience—to give in to ourselves, love ourselves, flaws and all.  And to develop and stick to our self-routines (like meditating and exercising and all that good stuff).  It’s funny how every time my TF has returned into my life, even temporarily, he’s disrupted that routine.  I’ll literally go back to my old sleep patterns (I used to have bad insomnia) and will go back to stalking his social media or wasting time or just feeling crummy about myself.  The second he’s gone from my life, I actually feel physically better.  I sleep and eat better.  And to me that’s a huge indication that, at least for now, I’m better off alone, working on myself and the things I want to accomplish.  Even though there’s a part of me that will probably always be curious about him and want to see him again.   But like you said, life isn’t a fairytale, and I can’t wait for some hypothetical future when he comes around and shows me that he’s made progress and is willing to put in the work and time that a relationship demands.  I have to focus on the here and now.  He’s not here now.