I’m posting this in the hopes that something has had a similar experience with a love interest.  I’ve honestly felt super irrational and torn about this situation for some time now, and just need to get it off my chest and perhaps see if anyone has insight they could share.

So, about a year or so ago, I met a man (S) unexpectedly at a mutual friend’s party.  We were both pretty intoxicated that night–to the point that I don’t remember some of it–but I remember being really drawn to him from the moment we met.  We talked and danced for much of the night, and I woke up the next with his number written on my hand.

We started texting and met up a few times after that.  Each time felt more and more intense.  I”ve had my fair share of relationships and men that I’ve had great chemistry with, but this felt different somehow.  I felt connected to him in a way that’s really difficult to put into words; our connection felt deeply romantic, emotional, spiritual, even.  In those few dates, we had conversations that felt really real to me, like we were showing each other the self that you normally keep tucked away until you know someone well (and perhaps not even then).  He revealed deep-seated insecurities to me and I found myself sharing the same insecurities, the same fears.   I experienced this strange, heady mix of feeling like I could completely be myself around him, but I also felt deeply nervous about the intensity of what I was already beginning to feel towards him.   There was a dreamlike quality to our time together, fueled by the fact said “dates” consisted of going to bar after bar and getting very intoxicated before heading back to his apartment to smoke weed and talk some more and cuddle.

A month or so went by, and I felt deeply anxious.  His texts became less frequent, and I sensed what I thought was waning interest on his part.  He would never want to meet on the weekends–unless it really late–and he specifically referred to our time together as “hanging out” as opposed to dating.  I knew that I needed to express my needs–that I wasn’t looking to just hang out, that I was in a stage in my life where I’m looking to actually “date” and explore the possibility of a real relationship–but I was too scared to ruin something that was only starting to develop.  I felt ambivalent–should I let things unfold or end things before I got hurt?  The more friends I talked to about it, the more I was convinced that he didn’t really like me that much (even though he said he did) and that I was setting myself up for inevitable disappointment.

I am a very sensitive person and definitely have an “anxious” attachment style when it comes to dating, and because he works in the music industry and is a successful executive of a company with a fast-paced/glamorous lifestyle, I found myself completing overanalysing everything, wondering why he’d be attracted to me. My thoughts went to a very dark place, where I was reminded of every relationship I’ve had where I didn’t feel enough.  I found myself gripped with insecurity, doubt and fear, which exacerbated the depressive state I was already in when I met him.  I had a lot going on at the time, and my mental health and sense of self-worth weren’t exactly in the best place.

I ended up ending things between us after a little over a month together.  Something about the situation was triggering really uncomfortable and painful feelings in me, and I didn’t feel capable of processing with them in a mature way.  I knew that we were both on different pages when it came to what we wanted out of the situation, and the rational part of me felt that I would spare myself a lot of heartbreak. There was a short exchange of messages where we both said heartfelt things and wished the best for each other.

After that, I found myself thinking about him all the time, despite the fact that we’d only hung out a handful of times.  As silly as it sounds, we had had a shared playlist where we had both added songs we liked, and even after we stopped seeing each other we both added songs on the playlist, songs with emotional and romantic lyrics.  I became determined to work on myself, date around and get him off my mind, but I still kept thinking and wondering about him, reminiscing about our conversations and our time together.  I began to implement a lot of positive changes in my life.  I read self-help books, talked to friends more openly about spiritual matters.  I began to work on loving myself more, drink significantly less, do positive affirmations, meditate more regularly.  I exercised and became fitter than I’d been in a while.  I also met a man, N, that I cared about and respected, even though I never fell “in love” with him.   But through this past year, even when I was dating N, I continued to think about S frequently, even dream about him.  I stumbled on the idea of twin flames which actually worsened things, as I began to wonder if S was my twin flame.  We were only born 4 days apart, we complimented each other in a lot of ways, and I began to do a lot of soul-searching and make positive changes to my life shortly after meeting him (all signs of a “twin flame” relationship).  But in the back of my mind, I feared that this concept, this label, was merely fueling the fixation I felt towards S, and the deeply rational part of me felt that I just needed to “get over” this person I barely knew.  We both contacted each other a couple of times by text, but the conversation would either die between us or I would purposely put a stop to it because it didn’t feel right to communicate with someone I was still really into but just popped into my life when he felt like it.

Because we met each other through mutual friends, I ended up seeing him several more times in group settings–including a friend’s bachelorette party that guys were not invited to, but that he ended up “crashing” with another guy friend.  It was like he was trying to find ways to spend time with me.  He also went to a wedding across the country that my friend suspected he came to just to see me.   Each time we saw each other we would gravitate towards each other like magnets and have intense conversations, but would never do anything physical.  He knew N was in the picture so nothing could happen between us anyway, but we exchanged a series of intense texts that made me wonder if maybe he had had feelings towards me after all.

Things came to a head at our mutual friend’s birthday celebration.  Somehow we ended up alone, together, and because I had too much to drink that night (something that I always tended to do when he was around)  things felt hazy and surreal.  Up until then, though things had been flirty between us the couple of times we’d seen each other post-“breakup”, they had never progressed.  But that night, he ended up telling me that I looked beautiful, and that he regretted not pursuing things between us, and that he had feelings towards me.  I felt deeply shocked by the whole conversation, because up until then I had truly thought that everything I felt towards him was just my mind playing tricks on me, my imagination running wild.  My friend showed up just as we were beginning to have a really honest conversation and S basically bolted.  He scurried off like a crab into the night– it was almost comical how avoidant he was being of venturing into “emotional” territory. I texted him that I thought we needed to continue the conversation at some point, and he agreed that we needed to talk and that he had a lot that he wanted to tell me.

The next evening was a continuation of the birthday celebrations at a club, and even though I didn’t want him there (which I felt really guilty about) I invited N to join.  I knew that he would be arriving late, and that I would probably get a chance to speak to S before N arrived.  S and I saw each other and, though we didn’t talk about the previous night, it was like we weren’t bothering to hide our attraction anymore.  Everyone around us noticed.  At one point we even held hands, and it was like this raw, powerful surge of energy and attraction flowed between us.  Eventually N showed up, and even though N was too oblivious to notice anything was wrong, I got really uncomfortable and weirded out by the whole situation.  I knew that it was wrong for me to have had these strong feelings towards S when N and I were starting to get serious.  S texted me, wondering where I’d gone, and I think he got upset by seeing me with N.  We texted afterwards and he basically said that he no longer wanted to continue the conversation we’d started on the rooftop, after all.  I was deeply hurt and disappointed, because I felt that this was the opportunity I’d been waiting for to finally clear the air between us and perhaps move on.  Which is all I wanted–closure.  I had been very open about the fact that I was seeing someone, but I felt like he was just trying to get back at me for what he expressed was me “ghosting him” at the club and having “some guy” show up.  He reiterated that he had feelings towards me, but that he didn’t want to talk about them with me.

I let anger get the best of me and sent some texts that I shouldn’t have, including calling him a “man child.”  Not my finest moment.  I eventually learned from a friend that he told his roommate that he didn’t understand why I was so “into” him given that we had only been on a few dates.  This was basically one of my worst fears come to life–my fear of unrequited feelings, of being really into someone who didn’t feel the same way.  After I heard this, I sent him a text where I tried to set boundaries and let him know that I just wanted to keep things courteous but distant between us if we happened to see each other again in a social setting.  He never responded.

Meanwhile, the whole situation made me realize that it was unfair to continue to date N, when I still had such strong feelings towards S.  I broke things off and realized it was for the best.  I continued to work on myself, take a break from dating, start volunteering at a NGO in my spare time and continue to incorporate healthier habits into my life.  I realized how, during the short time S and I dated, we always saw each other through the lens of alcohol, and even afterwards we were never truly sober on the occasions where we met and confessed our feelings towards each other.  I suspect that he’s someone that I just need to move on from, who wouldn’t encourage my healthier, more spiritual, lifestyle, but I don’t know how to do it.  I’ve stopped talking to my friends about it because I realize that none of them understand how I could still have such intense feelings towards someone I went on a few dates with over a year ago at this point.  Sometimes I truly just wonder if there’s something wrong with me, if I have some emptiness inside of me that I’m trying to fill through my romantic attachments.  I’ve searched for answers deep within myself, but nothing really explains why I still can’t get him off my mind.  I just want to feel sane, and whole, and not like I’m missing this person who I still continue to dream about on a semi-regular basis.

Any similar experiences?  Thoughts on the idea of twin flames?