Hi Josh,

Good on you for being so open & honest.
I understand that the dates didn’t work out for you both – I do feel from what you’ve explained that the majority of the communication you’ve had with each other is via text, is this right? I am tempted to say things like would a face-to-face meet help, but I see she is now in a new relationship. I do feel like, from what you’ve explained that she hasn’t really given detailed reasons on why you split, ok she said she felt awkward etc but she never explained that for so long she felt like this and I feel that because of that you feel like it’s your fault that you almost didn’t pick up on these things. If someone isn’t communicating to you their needs, how can you meet them? If someone isn’t telling you how they truly feel, how could you possibly know, you are not a mind reader?

In regards to her being in another relationship, I’d like to share my experience from a few years ago.. I went from relationship to relationship, pretty much merging 3 relationships over 10 years, with as little as a few weeks being single. I done this because I hoped that boyfriend B would fix me from the damage my relationship which boyfriend A caused, then I met boyfriend C hoping he would fix me from the damage both A & B caused (I say caused, but I mean the devastation from our relationship together, regardless of ‘blame’) so basically I was trying to ‘cover up’ my emotions, how I felt, the empty gap within me and the need to be loved after feeling unlovable for a long or short time. I thought finding somebody else would fill the gap – it has taken me a while to realise this is not the case, but I would like to think your ex may be doing this also. You were together for a significant period of time.

It’s hard really to almost give a solution to this as she has said she felt awkward etc, but I also wonder again, how these things were communicated to you? I’m unsure if a conversation/meet would be viable with her?

Dear Josh:

Back to my post to you and your answer: you wrote that you bickered (to bicker: to argue about petty and trivial matters).

Then you wrote: “Most disagreements we had wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes, and were always resolved pretty easily.”

That is “most (disagreements)”. What about some of the disagreements?

anita

Dear Josh:

If you’d like to continue to look into this, figure out what happened best you can, we can continue with this examination (let me know if you want to do this; maybe it will help you letting her go?)

You wrote regarding you being surprised about her leaving you, that note she left: “Hindsight is 20-20, and the clues now are obvious”

What were those clues?

anita

Dear Josh:

Assuming you were trying to answer my question (?)- do you mean that the warning signs were what you later read in self help books, that you were not the leader in the relationship?

You mentioned her lack of communication, as I understand it. You wrote that she avoided confrontations. That is congruent with her not sharing with you her dissatisfaction and leaving a note behind, then texting without in-person communication (and the dreaded confrontations)-

you spent a lot of time with her family. I wonder if you noticed a dynamic there that could possibly explain her dread of being assertive and of confrontations?

* Will be away from the computer for a while.

anita

Hi Josh,

Realisations are good, as they help you learn what may have gone wrong & what to work on for the future.

But you must’ve go into ‘victim’ mode and blame yourself. It was a two way relationship & sometimes the things she could’ve changed, may have changed your responses & reactions & vice versa. As humans we are triggered & act in ways that are determined by our upbringing/childhood & good & bad experiences along the way.

The fact is, nothing can be changed in the way that they played out, everything happens for a reason.

Would you say your situation now is more so how to heal from this situation as opposed too wanting her back?