Hi,

I’ve been posting about this issue for a while. My ex and I broke up over a year and a half ago. I spent almost a whole year doing the “cold turkey” thing. He had reached out a couple times and I didn’t respond. However, we had this “indirect communication” thing going on. I’d post things on my blog that I knew he’d see, and he was posting all these sad heartbreak songs for me to see. Fast forward to the spring, where we finally started discussing these issues. We were both having trouble getting over eachother. We stopped talking again, and then in the summer started again. He started drunk texting me, adding me on social media in the middle of the night, etc. It got to a point where we were actually communicating about our issues and dynamic. He broke up with me because he didn’t want to do long distance while he went to dental school, but I’ve always wanted to try things out. My opinion still hasn’t changed. So, I told him that he needs to figure out what he wants and either decide to go forward with us again or leave me alone so I could move on.

He ended up coming down to Florida for his summer break and we reconnected. We spent two weekends together. Everything was like how it used to be. All our old friends were together, we were doing the same things we used to do. It was like a dream! But life is not a dream. I also had new plans to move to NYC. So, he left and went back up north and life went on for the both of us. We continued talking a little bit more because he wanted to remain friends on social media and I just can’t have him in my life half-way like that. I either need all or nothing.

Fast forward a little over a month later, when I’m about to move up to NYC. He texts me telling me he’s actually going to be in the city the very weekend I move up. I tell him that I don’t want to see him if we aren’t going to be together. We leave it at that. But the night I arrive, I’m at dinner with friends and a few drinks in and he calls me. Later that night he ends up coming to my new apartment and we spend the whole weekend together again. He came to NYC with his school friends and literally stayed with me the whole time. We had SO much fun as we always do, he and my roommate hit it off and got along so well. We all had so much fun.

He left, and of course, the same thing. We actually talked a little bit for a while but then one night I caught myself lurking who he follows on Instagram. It made me sick to my stomach thinking of him pursuing girls and being single while we’re still in contact. I deleted and blocked him on everything AGAIN. It’s like, I just don’t want to know. It’s not that it’s unfair for him to do so — I talk to other guys, go on Bumble, etc, but just thinking of him doing it makes me nauseous. He hasnt attempted to reach out since.

I’m just torn. In other posts, I’ve talked about how he’s seriously emotionally wounded and has his own stuff to face from his past before he can be in a relationship. He quite literally has had not a single healthy model of a relationship in his family his entire life. Everyone either cheats, leaves, or lies. And in the past year he has grown so much. I’m so proud of him. He started seeing a therapist. When he was in NYC with me, we had very deep conversations about these issues. He’s depressed and has major self loathing issues with a very negative internal voice. Before, these were things he would only open up about once in a while. He was very emotionally stunted and had a major fear of intimacy. I can tell he is really growing up and learning emotional intelligence. In the past few months, we’ve been more real and raw about our issues in our relationship and in ourselves than we ever were during our 3 1/2 years together.

I guess my issue is that now, a year and a half after breaking up, we have reconnected and I’m still just as in love. I still want to be with him. I see his flaws, I see his issues, and I love him despite them. I don’t even want to fix him, I just want him in my life. I go on Bumble and I talk to guys, but I just feel like anyone that I will connect with is few-and-far between. I’m focusing on myself an beginning to make great strides in my career connections in NYC. My life is so exciting! I just moved to NYC! Yet here I am, still waking up to dreams about my ex. To boot, I’m only about 5 hours away by bus and a quick plane ride. Long distance would not be fun, but it would be much more accessible than before when I was in Florida.

I feel like I need to move on and that I’m plagued by this man. I’m so scared that I’m going to be stuck on him for the rest of my life, no matter what I do. I hear stories about people in relationships years after and yet theyre still in love with this one ex. I feel like that’s going to be me and I’m so sad. I wish we could make it work.