"staying off the foot"

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This topic has 11 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 11 years ago by Sapnap3.

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October 7, 2013 at 9:14 pm #43409

Sapnap3
Participant

When I first found TB, I wrote about my breakup and how much pain I was in. A wise soul (Matt) told me to try to “stay off the foot”. I knew what he meant by it.

Fast forward to 3+ months later. I am still healing and crying. Several failed attempts to rekindle my romance have failed as my ex wants nothing to do with me. I am healing and getting better but just a few weeks ago I booked a solo trip to Ireland. I was looking for places to visit alone and Ireland was just on top my list. I have my tickets already (non refundable) but every time, I open my laptop to find places to visit or stay in, I start sobbing uncontrollably. See my ex was European and we traveled a lot. In fact I was in Italy just end of May. Everything I see in the Irish tour sites and books reminds me of our travels. I miss him so much. Why do I do this to myself? I thought I was on my way to get better and then I had to book this trip to face my fears…alone.. What was I thinking?

I am trying to be loving and kind to myself but sometimes my stubbornness just kills me. I don’t know who I need to prove myself to by doing things so hurtful to myself. Ugh. Need guidance please help.

October 8, 2013 at 12:46 am #43410

sia
Participant

hi sapna… sorry that you are feeling sad…but, you will do great… i read about ireland… its a very beautiful place…. please don’t think it hurts that you are doing everything alone.. it is really very courageous of you to do it… all by yourself? you must be really very brave…
about enjoying your trip and healing…..
1. if you believe in meditating, do it everyday… and do it with a beautiful smile on your face…( even if you think you are going to sprain your face…. it will help you get some solace…..) 🙂
2. and…. try to shift your focus from what your heart is feeling at that moment to the things around you… may be how everything just keeps going at its own pace..no matter how you are feeling and what your are doing(or not doing)…
3. and if it helps, keep focusing on your breath… the way air touches your nostrils as you inhale and exhale…. try this when you feel sad… and also when you are scared… happy… content… focusing on our breath actually calms our mind…
4. if possible make some friends who can go with you…. known or unknown to us, having someone along with us makes us happy… but make sure you are safe…
p.s: my daddy says, “empty mind is a devil’s workshop” give it some work and it wont bother you much…..
enjoy your trip… hope this helps…

October 8, 2013 at 12:53 am #43411

sia
Participant

OMG… i didn’t know i typed such a long post…. it was smaller when i was typing… sorry for the length and for “bad english”..

keep smilng, be happy.. always..

October 8, 2013 at 6:30 am #43426

Alpal
Participant

Hello there,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but it takes time to get over break ups so be easy on yourself and don’t feel so bad about feeling bad . It is a normal cycle that you must go through to get strong again. It is amazing that you are going to Ireland that sounds like a lot of fun it is a great place to refresh and start your new life ! Try to enjoy being alone as much as possible , imagine that you are going on a trip to find your true love (you) and go on it happy and excited that you plan on finding your true self that you will love more than anyone can love you. Trust me one day he will wake up and regret it and want you back but by that time you will be too in love with yourself that you will realize what you really deserve . With what I can see you seem like a big hearted person so I’m sure you will find the perfect person for you that will make you more happy than your previous partners it will just take time, and hey you might meet them on your new trip as well? 😉 You might remember him every now and then , but embrace it , remember what has passed then move on so you can happy with what you have now don’t try to stop these emotions from coming and by beating yourself up your just gonna make yourself feel worse, so just let these emotions come up and feel them at least you know you have feelings and a big heart <3

October 8, 2013 at 8:30 am #43429

Hannah
Participant

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such a rough time but I think you are doing a really brave and good thing for yourself by going to Ireland. 🙂 This is probably just what you need. I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time and experiences and it’s important to see that doing things on your own can be just as fulfilling as with a partner or friend – probably more since you learn things about yourself you wouldn’t have thought possible before. Don’t beat yourself up about still missing him, it’s one step at a time. Getting out of your routine, starting to see things from a different perspective – that’s a very important step and you’re doing it. Planning a trip all by yourself requires courage and strength especially in a situation like that, so be proud of yourself! Remember you’re not alone. I wish you all the best ♥

October 8, 2013 at 10:12 am #43433

Macintosh
Participant

I feel your pain. It’s so hard to get a person that you loved so deeply out of your heart and mind. I’ve been trying rid of someone who meant the world to me from my heart and it isn’t easy at all. It isn’t just the heart hurt that gets me, it’s the physical pain inside, like I’ve lost a part of me as well, letting go sucks!

As crappy as I’ve felt I do know, when the good days come, embrace them! When the bad days hit, let yourself grieve the loss and cry. Crying is the way to heal one’s heart.

October 8, 2013 at 7:40 pm #43462

Sapnap3
Participant

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Sia…your english is perfect and your words very powerful. I do meditate and i will follow your instructions. I am not afraid of going on this trip alone. It was the booking of the hotel and transportation part that got me missing my ex. him and i use to spend hours looking for hotels and transportation online. I did come up with a good solution for this though. Instead of looking for hotels and maps online (and miss him), i will do it the old fashion way….travel books! where there is a will…there is a way.

Alia thank for all the compliments. I hope i can see myself, one day, the way you can see without even knowing me. Thanks again…you made me smile 🙂

Hannah you are so kind. Keep me in your prayers. you are already in mine.

Macintosh–I am so sorry that you feel the way i do. I will never wish this pain upon anyone not even my ex. I will keep you in my metta intentions to send happiness your way. 🙂

Namaste

October 10, 2013 at 1:05 am #43562

Sean Bloomfield
Participant

Hi snap…
Truly sorry to feel your pain. I joined this site just a week or so ago looking for some kind of help, support, wisdom, crutch, love, empathy, kindness, compassion, understanding, and a sense of somehow not feeling alone……although I am new to the technological participation it gives me an amount of peace and connection to like minded people who care enough about there world and the people in it,to share their pain, their support, and their “love” ( love in the true sense..that being of your fellow man or woman) and in the crisis filled well of emotion, confusion, and hurt…what comfort that is.!!
The world truly is a wonderful place and what is even more surprising ….so are the people in it.
The best example I can give you is the this very site.
My name is Sean and as the name suggests I’m ” Irish” I’m not fully up to speed with your personal situation as I’m in the middle of my own unwanted dismantling of a 17year relationship with 9 year marriage children , step children ,dog, guinipigs,rabbits, cat,extended families,friends and a joint small business that I passionately thrive in….well at present feel like I’m thriving on the surface with a coat hanger in my mouth to force the smile that masks the incessant heartache and spence of loneliness .
For now though enough about me..
Ireland is magical, …leprechauns running freely,granting wishes,pots of heartfelt gold at the end of every rainbow ,
Everywhere you go you can hear fiddle players romantically filling the the air with beautiful sounds of romance …while everyone practices the river dance with such passion and fire you can’t help yourself from joining in.
As well as the overflowing vessels of Guinness spilling from the hands of those who’s attitude is always……
” Ah don’t worry about it …cause if it doesn’t get done today ,sure we can always have another crack it it tomorrow ”
If you find yourself short of words …seek out Blarney castle near cork..there you’ll find the world famous “Blarney Stone”and legend has it once you’ve kissed this stone…. you’ll never be stuck for words ever again…
Thank for allowing me to find the romance of life inside that I almost felt I lost in my heart…and finally as they say in Ireland..
” May you be in heaven at least half an hour before the devil knows your dead”
Love to all us life warriors
Sean xxx

October 12, 2013 at 9:56 pm #43674

Sapnap3
Participant

Thank you Sean. I am looking forward to it. Its in these “soul shattering” painful moments when we “survivors” go and find the loving world around us. I was literally on the floor of my bedroom crying to the point of dehydration when I Googled “In pain …boyfriend broke up with me suddenly” and an article on breakup from TB came up on my screen. Since that day in June, I have been reading forums, Blogs and writing forums on TB everyday. Its a painful journey but one worth taking as this is bringing me close to me. I have stumbled so many times but I get up everyday and do something kind for myself.

I will pray for you. I hope you get some relief for your heart. I can’t imagine what you are going through but i can see that you are a kind and compassionate man. I wish you well in life. Feel free to give me some specific destinations in Ireland as i still don’t know where i will go after Dublin.

🙂

October 13, 2013 at 4:14 pm #43727

Hhuofa
Participant

Thank you for sharing your stories. I’ve recently been divorced from someone I was with for 11 yrs and married for four.

I know how you feel about your travels. I decided to make a trip to Europe. I won’t lie, I’ve had to force myself to get out and see the beauty of my surroundings. I can’t help but to think how nice it would have been to experience all this with her. The hardest part has been to let go of all the ambitions I had. I am learning to love myself and how to be alone again. I’m realizing how poorly I let myself be treated and how she is not the person I thought she was. I’m not sure if I accepted her treatment because I loved with all my heart or if there’s something else I need to assess about myself. I made mistakes in my marriage and took life too seriously, but I was willing to improve and realize it takes two. I hope to make myself better mentally and physically for the next person I meet.

There are many times I’ve thought about my ex on this trip, but I remind myself that my happiness isn’t tied to her. It’s up to us to go out, move forward and create new experiences for ourselves. Go out there and make it a new experience for you 🙂

Harold

November 28, 2013 at 12:37 am #45918

Cathal
Participant

Hi, first post and from Ireland so it happens.
I’m currently in Thailand trying to get over losing my perfect gf.
I have good days and bad days.
I miss her so much, she was the first person I traveled with in over 15 years.
We went to Vietnam for 3 weeks this summer and I fell so much more in love with her for it.
We broke up 10 weeks ago due to me being an idiot.
I’m in paradise and hell at the same time.
I’m meditating every day, it helps for a while.
I feel like cutting this trip short and going home because I think I’m not enjoying it.
My sister is telling me to stay gone, I’ll be worse at home.
I hope your trip to Ireland helped you, it a great place.
No problem meeting loads of fun people.
I’m finding it hard to meet people, I’m not exactly the most extrovert person ever.
I need to make so many changes, at 40 it’s a big ask.
If I don’t change ,I’m in trouble….

November 29, 2013 at 6:07 pm #45964

Sapnap3
Participant

Dear Cathal,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. My dear friend you are not alone. I feel your pain like i am you. When I got to Dublin, as soon as i got to the airport, i wanted to go back home. When I got to my hotel, I sat down and cried for a long time. I then took a bath and reminded myself how strong I was. I reminded myself that before my ex, I lived and I am going to keep living now. I got ready and walked around the town. I decided to buy myself a good dinner. I am very indecisive so it took me an hour to find a pub that i found “ok” to walk into. After a few minutes of awkwardly sitting at the bar, I started talking to the bartender. Rest was history. I met amazing, happy people who wanted nothing more than for me to smile. I opened up to them and they to me about their life experiences. I talked with a 24 yr old man and an 80 yr old man. With no prejudice, i talk to everyone. I finally felt like me. I finally took a deep breathe. I went back to my hotel and slept for 15+ hours straight. I slept like i hadn’t in a very long time.

This trip was the best trip of my life because it reminded me what i forgot long time ago. It reminded me who i was really.

I urge you to look inside yourself and see the light all of us see in you. Write a grateful diary everyday. Everyday, I write 3 things i am grateful for. one of those things always is “Me” because i am really trying. I give myself credit for spending a few moments of blissful happiness everyday. It doesn’t matter if that moment is only 30 seconds long and that i spend more time crying. That 30 seconds i only getting longer and longer and tears are drying up.

Do it…tell me how that makes you feel then.

Your sister

S
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