Dear fellow people,

I am seeking your advice here on a situation that makes me rethink live. I apologise for my mistakes, as I am not a native English speaker. And I thank you for helping me and for your time!

I feel disgusted with myself for ending a relationship of two years, what my partner describes as giving up.

We lived together for half an year in an one room apartment which lead to a lot of stress. I moved out on my own before two months and since then I feel a lot better and relaxed.

My partner, lets call him F., thinks it is good to have some distance now (not living together, but the town is small and we still live 10 minutes apart) ,but we should analyse where the relationship cracked and work on it and that with time we can grow strong together. He wrote pages on the relationship, analysing and concluding that it fell apart because we moved in that one room apartment together (he is studying psychology) He says my wish to break up is because I am traumatised of the experience and driven by fear, being way to pessimistic about us.

I myself dont know what is right or wrong and that is why I am seeking an advice here.

1. is a lonely person, with no family support, which makes him feel afraid of loneliness. He is very emotional and I find him quite unstable. Other people also find him strange in the way of not noticing the boundaries of others. Thats why people reject him often.

An example: After I moved out he started seeking a room in a shared flat (typical living situation of students here). He complains not being able to live alone, being sleepless in the apartment as it brings memories of me. But not being able to live alone is not something caused by me and I find it unhealthy. He says he cant live alone as it reminds him of living together with his mother, who was silent and not affectionate. So he HAS to live with other people. He looks for a room with others, but I suppose as people notice he has this nervous, active personality he gets rejected even from people who know him and have similar interests with him, as they prefer sharing their living space with someone more “normal”  and comfortable (there are a lot people applying for a room here, so they really have a big choice)

There was also a lot of fights between us. The following situation led to me moving out. I was invited at a party and F. was supposed to come later. I thought he will write me a message so I kept my phone close (he didn’t know the address). He called me instead and asked why I didn’t write a note with the address, as I was supposed to. I said I taught he will message me when he is back home (he knew which street it is), a small misunderstanding and then I told him the number. After 10 min he calles me back yelling: why am I so stupid not to know he will forget the number when I tell him on the phone (the number is 45, not long) ,why didn’t I write him a message, I should sit and meditate over my communication skills. I canceled the conversation and he continued writing me messages in the same tone and saying I am doing that because I don’t want him there. At the end he said that if I don’t apologize he will put my stuff out on the street. I got angry, went there, packed some stuff and moved out to a friend of mine, before finding a room on my own.

I am a 22 y.o. good-looking female and for me it is not hard finding a partner. But I dont have a lot of friends and I am more on the introverted side- in opposite to F. I feel the best living alone.

As I find that relationship exhausting I broke up with him. He then says that I am doing exactly as the others- being comfortable and I should really wait to see how the relationship turns out now as we dont live together in the extremely small flat anymore and we know each other so good to know where the flaws of the other person are.

What bothers me most is the energy F. put in this relationship. How much he worked analysing and even in the times when I was extremely down he tried to ¨develop¨ me to fight against my fears, always told me I have to talk with a therapist. In a lot of ways he is a lovely person and I feel so disgusting leaving him and telling him that I can imagine being a good friend of him, but I dont feel I want a relationship. And I really do mean it, because I don’t want him out of my life

What I also dont like in the relationship is is the fact we are not equal. He always tries teaching me what the right thing to do is and as he is also way more emotional then me I tend to hide feelings and not make decisions(and he wants me to) as I often fear his reactions which are way beyond mine and which i sometimes dont understand(he is a lot more sensitive than I am)

I am myself not sure. Maybe I should hold on him, as he puts so much effort, is lovely and loyal and really wants to be with me. And maybe he is right that I am way to pessimistic.

On the other side I am young and there are a lot of fish in the sea-as bad as it sounds…and maybe there is a person out there who is more stable, also wants to be with me and I feel more comfortable with him… I met a guy recently and I dated him for one day, he was very interesting…

I was never in a relationship that long before. One says relationships are hard work, but I don’t know when it starts being unhealthy and when is it worth it going further?

My father advices me to leave the relationship, but my father doesnt know F. and was already once divorced, often telling me because he accepted too much.

My friends are mostly single and not living in the same town, so the cant be very objective, even if they are ready to listen to me at 2 a.m.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by DeJana.