Dear Diyana Zlanatova:

You wrote: “One says relationships are hard work, but I don’t know when it starts being unhealthy and when is it worth it going further?”-

The relationship you described with F has been unhealthy because the hard work he is doing is not about what is wrong with his own thinking and his own behaving but with yours. His analysis is about what you are doing wrong and what you should do to fix it.

You wrote: “He says my wish to break up is because I am traumatised of the experience and driven by fear, being way to pessimistic about us” and he tried “to ‘develop’ (you) to fight against (your) fears…(you) should meditate over (your) communication skills”-

He is not confronting his own fears about living alone, does he? And he is not working on his communication skills.

It is an unhealthy relationship because he is not looking at himself.

Adding to this, it is abusive to call you “stupid not to know he will forget the number…” and to threaten to put your stuff out on the street.

It is clear to me that this relationship has been unhealthy and that it is impossible for any woman to have a healthy relationship with F.

anita

Dear Diyana Zlanatova:

It is a good thing that he is attending therapy and I hope it is indeed helping him. Unfortunately, he needs a whole lot more help and more work. According to your original post he does focus on you being the faulty party to the relationship, and calling you stupid, then threatening to put your stuff out is troubling. His intense anger, described in both posts, is troubling.

You wrote: “I did a lot wrong in that relationship too – I am more of a loner and ignore people sometimes, it is also not nice”-

you are not perfect, I have no doubt. No human is. If you were as perfect as can be, in a relationship with him, he would still have the troubles he is having. If you were perfect, you wouldn’t be in a relationship with him, I am thinking, because you would know it is not good for you.

The parts in the relationship that make sense, the sensible moments of insight and good work, those were good moments. Unfortunately, those moments in time are surrounded by a lot of bad moments, no-sense moments, unhealthy moments and lots of them, as I understand the situation.

People often think that unless they are perfect, they cannot be certain that a relationship is bad for them. Problem with this thinking is that people can never be perfect. And so, by this illogic, a person can never evaluate a relationship to be unhealthy.

anita