Oh and I just wanted to give an example. One time I was at a party that my boyfriend brought me to (literally just this past thanksgiving) and it was basically all graduated kids. I saw 2 girls who graduated. They are super pretty, dress really nice, but not the nicest as I soon found out. Because I went up to say hi to them and they were like “oh my god hey!!” and we hugged and then I was like “how is college?” (trying to start a conversation) and I don’t know if they just didn’t hear me but they just turned around and started talking to each other I was like oh… cool. I try to put my myself in their shoes and see how they may not like me. But let’s see.. I wear nice things (I’d think I am trendy enough for them, if not more, sorry my clothes are nice and they are expensive), I literally look the exact same as them, I am even smarter than them (if they were to judge me on my intelligence I have committed to a way more prestigious college than theirs). The only thing I can think of is

1) I can be quiet (key word: can. I am not always quiet like in this case I was being outgoing, I was talking to them, I wasn’t acting bored, I know how to be outgoing when I want to be)

Or 2) I was not as “popular” as them in high school, as in my friends are not like them. I mean… my boyfriend says my friends aren’t well liked which I KNOW is just because my friends aren’t popular. I am not popular because I am super quiet in school plus I hate everyone. It is also hard for me to relate to people who have a ton of friends. Yeah, I feel like I had to say this because I feel a very deep sense of disapproval from most people I am around. I am a competitive person so I always strive to put myself in the best positions even if that means striving to be “popular” like it is how I am. Everyone in my family seems to have a load of friends. My cousins have so many friends, they are pretty, all that stuff. Even my younger brother who is a freshman in my high school hangs out with people in my own grade, who I do not even talk to.

I do not mean to come off as immature, popularity means nothing to me I know what is important in life. If I really wanted to be popular I would ditch my friends and try to fit in with the kids who party all the time. But I obviously don’t want that… I just feel like something is wrong with me if everyone around me seems to fit that criteria. Ugh. I hope this makes sense and relates this fear I probably have of being disapproved.