Hello Amber,

Someone once gave me some advice that I think you might also find useful.

It was suggested to me that when we are in particularly stressful situations, it is OK to not respond immediately. I was told that you can just ‘park’ your emotions to deal with at a later date. Not suppress, that’s different, just park.

So lets say, hypothetically, your boyfriend does something that annoys you. You could say, ‘I was uncomfortable with what you just did, but I’d rather discuss it when I’ve had time to think and when I can explain myself calmly.’

Creating a little bit of space can give you time to reflect which in turn gives you the possibility of explaining yourself better.

You may also find it useful to regularly journal, or just write about your feelings from time to time. You could even do art or some other form that you find expressive.

I hope you find ways to communicate more easily.

Hello Amber,
I share your frustration! Sometimes when I talk to a male friend that I care very deeply for, I feel like I’ve overstepped my boundaries and then I wind up regretting saying anything to him and I don’t talk to him for days – or worse, I apologize for being too emotional. He always reassures me that I haven’t done anything weird, but I think my own self-doubt makes me FEEL like I am miscommunicating. I have found a technique that helps me a lot – when I take the time to use it…

In your case, with situations where you need to communicate that someone has done something that hurt or offends you – try writing your feelings down before you actually try to say them aloud. Maybe reading them back to yourself will help you to say precisely how you feel without losing control of your emotions. I have tried this and it works.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by LisaS. Reason: typo

Amber,

I’m sorry for the spinning that happens when you don’t feel heard. I used to have that happen to me, and in my case it was an attachment to the “kernel”. I was a middle child, and often felt unheard or overlooked. This created a pressure inside not only to have my view seen and heard, but for people to relate to it in the same way I did. This is precarious, and leads to endless spinning in the mind.

Consider that we have a special place in the cosmos, with a unique and beautiful view. This makes our truths sacred and special! When and where those truths or “kernels” feel important, it is natural to wish to share them. However, those around us do not have the same view, the same unique mix of feelings and opinions, perceptions and observations. This means that it is very difficult to help them see exactly what we see, to know exactly what we know.

So we have to be patient with them. We have to accept, realize and know that truth unfolds like the petals of a flower. We cannot rip a bud open, then petals just fall everywhere. Instead we nourish and pour, shine and smile. We introduce our ideas gently, with tenderness and understanding. If they don’t “get it” its not because they don’t care or are just stupid, its because all things, kernels and flowers, take time and attention to grow. That they relate back to “part of it” but not the “root” is unavoidable. Think of it as a spiral, where the words surrounding the kernel lead toward the center. With time and effort, sun and rain, the path is travelled inward. Said differently, it is normal to have to introduce a concept to someone multiple times before they understand you. Ignoring that only causes you suffering, it won’t help them see you any faster.

With warmth,
Matt