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Squeezed and looking for advice

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • December 31, 2016 at 5:26 am #124053
    None
    Participant

    Hi there!

    I have been here for a while some months ago due to personal issues I had and I still have sten though. I thank to all of you for the suppost and the advice and these words are even so little for the help I received. So ni my previous post “Depressed and suicidal” i complained about a guy who played me and made me feel stupid after spending time with me while in relaationship with a girl that he though will leave him so hi wanted to reassure he gets the female attention at any cost and used me. So after they were together things worked out and they are still a couple( and I have mentioned that he asked my financial support to go to her for the Christmas holiday and did not tell me what are exactly the money for and like the fool I am I gave it to him and then realized I am really, really stupid). The thing now is that he is not missing a chance to put me down and make fun of me in front of everybody and I keep everything that happended between us for myself and I have not told no one. He is even kissing and flattering my closest friend in front of me and that really makes me feel like shit and like the most loathsome person on earth. It is not like he had not told me that he did tha same damn thing in his previous relationships – to date a friend of his girlfriend and then wonder why his girlfriend is leving him. He lit the fire between my sister and me and we are constantly fighting and she is constantly hurting me like I am some piece of whore and I have never done anything other than just spending some time with the shitty guy and I have never liked him anyway but I was really, really lonely and he used that in his favour.

    Some months ago I shared with some of you that he was unwilling to speak with me and looks at me like I am the lowest person(which I slowing start to believe). He was not willing to give me the money when I needed them for I had a health problems and I wanted them badly and he was not interested in that. Instead he told me that he wants to sleep with me( yeha, after I have given him the money to spend the holidays with his girlfriend) and whenever we get alone he is undressing and does not care that I scream and push him back so that he does not touch me. I feel violated in some way after that. The stress he has putme through is enormous I can’t sleep and constatly cry for that he had done to me and I can’t eeven tell my sister as he is offending me all the time and doedn not care for my affair and now I wonder whether I could tell at least my closest friend.

    So the thing is after I know the things he does and all the torture he puts me through shall I stay silent and let that girl( for her I feel pity if he is used like me so that he can feed his ego and not get on his own again or I think she is the same piece of shit like him- as he had been complaining me that she had her male friend with whom she spent a lot of time) being fooled or tell her everything cuz I feel like I am the devil’s advocate in athis situatuin and if I keep staying silent and playing the innocent lamb people like him will not stop themselves from using people for their own interests and then backfireng them with tons of insults. Please hep me! I think I need to tell my closest friend as he is using her to make me angry and this maked me really angry as she is the best friend I have ever had and I will not let him touch and use her like me as I have been so stupid and needed someone. Give me light on this matter. I will appreciate any opinion and thank you in advance for staying here with me and after all wish you a very happy welcoming the new 2017 year!

    December 31, 2016 at 9:51 am #124070
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    Welcome back. Thank you for the new year wishes; wishing you a better year ahead than all the years of your life so far.

    I re-read much of your posting in your last thread. Did I understand correctly, from this recent sharing, that you still engage sometimes in sexual activity with the same guy of last September: that you get together, he initiates sex, you say no, he persists (ignoring your No) and you give in?

    It is my understanding that your mother started you on the path of believing that (using your own word), believing that you are stupid. And that everyone you meet wants to use you, and you let them because… you are naïve and stupid.

    Some of the people you have met and will meet did and will try to use you and mistreat you. The first such person is your mother herself. Unfortunately, for you, you were born to a woman who has and continues to mistreat you. Being wiser, see her for who she is, and adjust your life to this fact.

    Your sister encourages this belief, that you are stupid. Being wiser, see her for who she is, and adjust your life accordingly.

    This guy is mistreating you, see him for who he is…. and adjust your life accordingly.

    anita

    January 1, 2017 at 6:48 am #124199
    DaisyBuchanan
    Participant

    This guy does not deserve space in your life. When you are suffering from lack of self confidence, it’s easy to slip into the cycle of seeking any sort of affirmation- it feels good to be wanted. If you are comfortable having an honest conversation with your friend, do so, but realize she may become angry and blame you. Otherwise, as stated above, yes, this guy is mistreating you. It’s time to pull back from him and this entire situation and surround yourself with the love and honor you deserve; and that starts with you loving and honoring yourself. Forgive yourself for inviting this painful situation into your life and move on. You deserve to have people in your life who care about you and love you genuinely.

    Best wishes;

    Daisy

    January 2, 2017 at 3:02 am #124262
    None
    Participant

    To anita:

    Yeah, that is the mistreating guy I talked about in my first topic and no, I have never been in a ralationship with a sexual activity. He constatly want to sleep with him when his girlfriend is away , yet I have always said no to him. I now have problems with my ovaries and even that cannot stop him from his desires. And when I wanted my moeny back for visiting a doctor( as I am a uni student I am not that rich) he says that he has no money, yet he gets himself high with drugs and even wanted me to use drugs so that I can be more vulnerable and cannot fight him to do whatever he wants if we are together. recently he even mocked me about not being able to have kids due to my health problems- can you believe that…

    Now, he will probably continue to put me down as we are studying in the same uni. I feel that his firlfriend at least needs to know what he is doing to her. I mean, I was stupid and hopeless, but does that mean I should stay silent and let him further his cruel deeds. And as my closest friend I will just hope to get the guts and tell her what kind of man he is and hope she will listen to me and he will do her no harm.

    To DaisyBuchanan:

    Thanks for the support. I really appreciate that and it’s crazy how stranger that I have never seen in my life can help me more than someone from my relatives. I am trying and will to my best to get him out of my life and hope that he won’t bother me anymore. When it comes to me best friend and the fact she is involved as well I think I have to share that this guy tried to create and image of her her based on his opinion and it was awful. We did a project together – my bestie, him, me and he tried to create fuss between us so that he can finally be the one that worked harder than anyone when he only worked hard to make us fight each other while he stays silent and plays the good and caring guy.

    I am still wondering what to do with that girl, his girlfriend and have in mind that when they had fight and he though she was cheating on him his desire for meating me started and he was furious to spend time with me only then. That was the moment I told him he has a girlfriend and he is not to mess with me and I was telling that a hundred times and so manu times I begged him to let me go and not bother me anymore.

    Anyway, thanks for the support to both of you that are dealing with my problems. REALLY BIG THANKS!

    January 2, 2017 at 8:03 am #124285
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    You should have no personal contact with this guy, None at all! When you see him in Uni- ignore him. Do not interact with him in any way. You wrote that he pressures you to have sex with him at times, that even though you have medical problems with your ovaries, “that cannot stop him from his desires.”

    How does he know about your ovaries- you shared that with him, as in trying to talk him out of pressuring you for sex? Did you communicate to him something like: I have medical problems with my ovaries, so pity me and stop trying to have sex with me?

    My goodness, None, your ovaries are none of his business. It should not be up to him to approach you sexually- or not. It should be up to you: do not interact with him, never be alone with him.

    As far as your friend who is involved with him, you can share about his behavior. She may- or not- listen to you. As long as you know that she may not believe you for her own reasons, share with her.

    Otherwise, please find a way to attend competent psychotherapy to heal from that belief that you have about you being unworthy, less than, inadequate. It is a false belief, untrue.

    anita

    January 2, 2017 at 9:09 am #124301
    None
    Participant

    He knows due to my money issue and my try to get some of the finance I gave so that I could get an adequate treatment for me and when it came time to that I foolishly though that i get the money back for the special need I was in and told him like a fool that I need them for that and not for fear that I won’t get them back. And yes, I though that somehow this will stop him and repell him so that he won’t make me such offers, but I was wrong.

    I will try to talk to her when I am ready for that, yet I still want to get out of the triangle between him, his girlfriend and me. That;s mostly why I am here and why I am looking for a piece of advice. Not to mention that she ( who doesn’t even know me and never met me) has told nasty things about me. I bear not hate for her though as she is being lied to as I was. And if she get any chance to see the messages he sent me before and after being with her she will see his true colors rather than thinking that I am the one that messes their things up.

    I will consider this and try to help myself by staying positive. As far as not talking to him and not paying enough attention to him I already act like I don’t hear and see him so that he could stop, yet that strategy is not working the way I want to. But let’s see how he will act after the holidays and I pray he let me go.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 12 months ago by None.
    January 2, 2017 at 9:28 am #124305
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    You are acting as if you have no power over your life, as if he has the power. Instead of praying that he will let you go, exercise the power you have and let him go, have NOTHING to do with him. By nothing to do with him, I don’t mean being alone with him but pretending you are not hearing what he says to you, I mean never be alone with him.

    He borrowed money from you and did not give it back to you, even when you told him you need the money back for medical treatment. He is a cruel, dishonest man.

    If you gave your power away to an honest, good man- that wouldn’t be good, but it wouldn’t be as bad as giving your power away to a dishonest, cruel man.

    As far as his girlfriend- I thought it was the same as the close friend you referred to- so there are two girls, one his girlfriend whom you never met and the other is a close friend of yours. Am I correct? Regarding the girlfriend who was also cruel to you- I wouldn’t tell her anything because she is not likely to believe you. Let her go and let him go- No Contact with both.

    anita

    January 2, 2017 at 12:11 pm #124352
    None
    Participant

    I have everything-messages( some of which are scandalous and made me cry) and calls to prove my point and the torture he has put me through. She, his girlfriend know me in a way he was telling her that he was meeting me when he tought she was cheeting on him and wanted to make her jealous probably- that’s why he told her about me. Yes, I cought myself acting like I have no power over my life and that is maybe the thing that I have most in me- I never took things in my life in my hands as since I was little somebody was always messing with my troubles and played the helper.

    Now that I write my these things here I realize in what trouble I got in, yet everyone is responsible for their own deeds and that’s what terrifies me most when I come to think of the things I was part of.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 12 months ago by None.
    January 2, 2017 at 1:02 pm #124359
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    It is scary to not exert power in one’s life. If you don’t exert the power you can exert, then others determine your life; then others can mistreat you and do with you whatever they want.

    If you do exert power in your life, as in deciding for yourself who you interact with and who you do not- then you PROTECT yourself from danger, from people who endanger you.

    Protect yourself.

    anita

    January 2, 2017 at 1:35 pm #124364
    None
    Participant

    I often get criticized about that unfortunately and as I know myself better than anyone else I am either extremely protectful for myself in a way that after such event in my life (this is not the only kid of strange relationship I have been mistreated) I seem to think that for everything bad that happened in my life I am the reason and therefore I should never be attached or close to anyone, I tend to isolate and then when i recover on my own I get my overly protective side and this is the time I use my power to isolate myself from even a small chances to communicate and be close to certain people and people themselves. My sister is always saing that I am really protective, don’t share and scare people away from me which is makes me sad. But when I try to share i got the feeling that nobody wants to listen or help.

    And the way I am really protective( but go home and cry after I push people away with that trait of mine) makes the one that am I protecting myself from hit even harder and harder. This is what happened in my previous relationships and I spend time overthing and crying on my own, praying that I will never let things go this way maybe that is why I am this way now and play like the lamb role in the story letting people do whatever they want.

    January 2, 2017 at 6:06 pm #124376
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    I am not criticizing you. I understand that you were not treated with respect as a child. I wasn’t either. I am sorry for both of us in this regard. Like you, when I was treated disrespectfully by people, as an adult, I wasn’t alarmed because I was used to it. I accepted it and allowed it. I believed I deserved it, caused it, was the reason of bad treatment.

    It is only in the last few years that I am learning, gradually, that I never deserved mistreatment and do not deserve it now. I hope you come to believe the same about yourself.

    When a person treats you disrespectfully, be it a parent, a sibling, a stranger- remove yourself from that person, cut contact. To learn more what disrespectful behavior looks like, I hope you can attend competent psychotherapy. The therapist should treat you respectfully, giving you a sense of how that feels.

    anita

    January 4, 2017 at 8:33 am #124490
    None
    Participant

    No, in no way I wan to tell you that you are criticizing me. You’ve been more helpful than my family now and I am really thankful for that and for giving me a little of your time and I am sorry to hear that you weren’t treated right when you were little. I am curious to know what helped you give up this bad trait of your characted, letting people mistreat you. Actually, I don’t think you somebody can fully give it up but at least what was the point when you realized no one can act like that when it comes to you. what was the breaking point and the path to treating yourself with respect?

    January 4, 2017 at 9:51 am #124502
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    You are welcome. You asked what helped me give up this “bad trait” of letting people mistreat me. This is my answer: it is not a bad trait that I gave up. It is a false belief that I gave up. I will explain:

    I wasn’t born with a “Use me and abuse me!” invitation, a bad trait, a faulty character. No, not at all. Like you, I was born helpless, dependent, needing a grown up to take care of me so that I can survive on my own. I was born trusting and loving of the person to take care of me.

    What happened next, the mistreatment, was not my invitation of it. It had NOTHING to do with me (and your mistreatment was None to do with you!)

    What has helped me, over time, is the growing understanding, on a deeper and deeper level, that I was a victim of mistreatment by my mother. That I did nothing to deserve it; that it was not my fault.

    It is like I traveled back to my childhood and gave my mother the Badness that belongs to her (for mistreating me) and took back the Goodness that belongs to me (for being the loving, trusting young child that I was, loving and trusting her with all my heart and growing mind).

    anita

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