Phillu,

I’m sorry for the suffering and health issues that you’ve been journeying alongside. It can be really disorienting when we begin to see how directly we create the world around us. Perhaps the problem isn’t in the thinking, but the emotion that motivates the thoughts. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes when we feel we can “control” or “manipulate” nature, our body moves to a place of pridefulness. Said differently, when we say and think ideas such as “look at what I can do” we actually close off the energy that brings our dreams to life. Perhaps when you “think positive” you are actually sliding into this kind of pride. Its normal and usual, and many people fall into this. One of my teachers called it “spiritual materialism” and from what I’ve seen it leads our creations to turn to dust… the energy of life gets choked by the ego, and we plant empty seeds. Said differently, momma doesn’t like it when we assume we’re the creator, because it dishonors all of the aspects that go into creating.

For instance, imagine a farmer who realizes he can plant seeds and harvest fruit. If he decides he is a god, and can simply make the world according to his image, then he plants in the fields that he desires, rather than where is fertile. Then, the harvest never actually happens. When he gets no fruit, he falls into hunger and is more likely to pay better attention to his farming. This helps him establish humility, which is how he learns to become a skillful farmer, looking for where momma is fertile, instead of lazy and entitled and expecting mother nature to grow his fruit wherever he plants it.

Perhaps the reason it works better while your thoughts feel negative is because you’re approaching nature from a place of humility. (Or perhaps even shame, as though you carry a broken aspect or curse). That humility helps you remain open, so you’re more in tune with your environment. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the thoughts themselves, rather its the emotion in the body that co-arises.

The solution to this kind of puzzle is not as tricky as it may seem. We honor our teachers and parents and ancestors for all their work and effort in setting the conditions we experience. We set down the notion of “creating” or “not creating” and “past” and “future”, and appreciate the blessings around us. We accept how ordinary we are, how each one of us has the potential of becoming a Buddha, and so whatever arises for us doesn’t make us unique, rather experiencing a set of conditions that carries the efforts of countless beings working together. Everything from the spiritual successes we’ve had, agriculture, language, science, even our flush toilets… we’re literally surrounded on all sides by the countless efforts of others.

Much like a seed needs sun and rain and earth in order to grow, our dreams require this appreciation to blossom. When we think “we’re the ones doing it”, we naturally grow clouds that prevent the nourishing light growth requires.

Consider taking up a metta practice. Metta is a warm feeling of friendship in our chest, and can help us stabilize our emotions and mind. Buddha taught that metta helps us develop concentration quickly, because we become free from cycles. If you’re interested, check out YouTube for some guided metta meditations… great stuff! If you did metta for even 30 minutes a day for a week, supplemented with some time (even 10 minutes of active gratitude) honoring nature and your ancestors, you may find reality to be quite a bit simpler. Namaste, brother, may you find peace and joy.

With warmth,
Matt