Hi Anita,

You’re right, it’s such a basic flaw in my thinking that i simply wasnt recognising. Of course being compassionate to myself is a necessary part of compassion, so killing myself would be quite… ill-advised. Besides, this body is property of the universe really, not quite mine.

You;re also very right about the ways the world has gotten worse, thank you for empathising with that and how it impacts my state of mind. i’ve actually been very fortunate in terms of getting support, enough to now be on my second round of therapy. they have helped a lot, but i’m still not in recovery yet (getting there!). i have really come to see, respect and honour the important of putting myself first and tending to my mental health in this time, so i suppose i was right when i said i was ready to start doing that.

it’s a shame that these thinsg havent been enough to stop me feeling suicidal, but it is only quite occasionally these days (maybe once a week or two, unless something traumatic has just happened)

Hi Helcat,

many thanks for responding. when is life not difficult! haha. yes, very much so. a more difficult time for my family than perhaps it’s ever been. in the past 6 months I’ve lost my sister, my dad’s been found out to have cheated on my mum for decades, i was broken up with by my partner, my friend has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, my mum’s fallen out with her sister and my mum and brother have fallen into a bit of a depression. when i type all that out and read it, im surprised im still here to be honest, let alone maybe better than ever mentally (although still depressed).

Hi Helcat,

Thank you for responding with compassion <3 yeah it is a lot of trauma to be honest, however, although it all hurts, i have gotten better at bouncing back from things as a result of working on myself and therapy which im currently doing. i don’t mean bouncing back into productivity, i know my feelings are important. i mean more, bouncing back into a place of relative centredness from which i can experience and savour positive emotions.

the thing is, i feel like im ALWAYS in a period of intense stress, so i’m somewhat used to it. like, i dont really know what taking special care of myself would like look and whether it’s appropriate since there always seems to be something i’m super stressed about (i have very little emotional stability, even though it is improving).

what does taking special care of yourself look like for you?

Hi Anita,

Your enthusiasm is so beautiful, thank you!

Sending so much love to both of you and the entire community. Today I’m so exhausted, uncomfortable, cynical, heartbroken, and still I’ve been able to smile.

Life is revealing itself to me every day and it’s confusing, tiring, weird and amazing. I wish it was easier. I wish I could hold onto things forever in my arms and never have to let go. Life is so painful and tragic and crazy. I’m so tired of being tired and sick of being sick. I’m proud of myself and of everyone who keeps going. I’m proud of people who did their best and weren’t able to keep going. Despite it all, I’m proud of humanity.

Sometimes it all feels like a cruel joke or game, and I lose sight of any sense of meaning. There are two sides of me, one seeped in nihilism and the other an ever-hopeful optimist. I don’t know who’s right but I really hope there is some meaning to it all.

I keep returning to my childhood. Standing around in shops looking with wonderment at mundane products, waiting for my family to buy things. The music in videogames. The smell of rain. Feeling safe around my dad, laughing at his jokes. Seeing rainbows and wondering how they worked. Feeling like an outcast in school.

I can’t believe how human i am. I cant believe how imperfect i am. I can’t believe life is so long and so short, and that everything i do or say will likely someday be no more than a flash in the pan.

I took magic mushrooms a few months back and had this insane experience ive never talked about because i dont know how to talk about it, i cant put it into words. it was like i was in a play or a novel. I felt what it means when we say “all the world’s a stage”. I saw, felt and experienced countless rooms and tunnels embodying my psyche, as labyrinthian as any other person’s. the room i was most frightened of but also incredibly drawn to was a room in a hospital with a bed in it. this room had so much gravity. it pulled everything slowly towards it and was so heavy and made myself and everything around it heavy along with it. I felt the presence of the grim reaper and I sensed that this is all for nothing. And i felt agony at the thought. I try so hard, we all try so hard to make something of our damn lives. And i just hope so desperately that it’s all for something. I hope there’s a reason for me to get out of bed in the morning and push through my pain and exasperation at the state of my body and the world in order to do something like write this out, or listen to my mum, relate to others, connect with people.

Thinking about existence and meaning has become an incredibly psychedelic and haunting experience. Why am I here? The question is so basic and so cliche but I cannot escape it.

Depression is a joke. Nothing feels real anymore. But writing this felt pretty close to real. Writing this is in a way the most real I’ve felt in a long time. It  feels good to get it out and feel seen by beings so compassionate as people like you both. I’m so incredibly grateful for and in awe of people like you. Thank you <3