Carlos,

I’m sorry for the struggles you’ve been through, and I’m amazed at your courage to break free as you have. It does sound like you carry a little baggage, but you’ve come so far I have no doubt you’ll keep moving in an awesome direction. I know it seems heavy right now, having a heart that feels empty, but please don’t despair. There is always a path to joy, and you’ve already taken many of the steps you need.

Sometimes when the love we’ve been shown and the life we’ve had has been icky and isolating (such as the childhood sickness and cultist parents) our heart and mind come out a little twisted. We are so refreshed, so overwhelmed by an open hearted friend that we put them on a pedestal and look to them as the source of all happiness in this world. Like a person coming out of a desert who happens upon someone that gives them water, and it is so nourishing that we assume “they make me happy”. This seems real, but its not. The love made you happy, connecting to someone who saw you, listened and cared made you happy.

Had your childhood been more full of supportive connections, your thirst would not have been so deep. Perhaps it wouldn’t be “oh my, this man makes me happy” but rather “oh my, this is what love feels like.” It sucks, but you can’t go back. The good news is that as you reach out here and other places, you can untangle the baggage, set it down, and step forward.

It seems to me that you have a difficult time loving yourself. When we love ourselves, we don’t have to look outside our own heart for happiness. We are happy, and when we connect with a partner it is amazing, and we bring that happiness to the union, rather than get our happiness from it. Don’t worry, because its not something you just have to figure out on your own, its actually very common, and something which grows with time and effort.

Consider picking up some of Pia Mellody’s books. She offers some helpful insight on how to understand, forgive, nurture and act in a way that helps our hearts grow toward self love. It isn’t a switch, where one day we just wake up and love ourselves… rather it is learning how to be kind and gentle with ourselves, and love is a natural result of our tenderness.

With warmth,
Matt

Carlos, no matter what advice you get; no one will help you as much as yourself. I went through an unexpected breakup 3 months ago. The first month has horrible. I couldn’t smile, i couldn’t work, i could not study. I went on a week long vacation to cuba with some close friends and took 2 months off school. Mid way though the month, I felt extremely depressed, lonely and useless. I had been in relationship for the past 8 years of my life, i had never been single nor knew what it was like living by myself.

As time went by (today marking the 3rd month), things started to partially sink in. The advices i had received from friends and family FINALLY started to make sense. Its not the end of the road bud. I am also 21, and emotionally very weak. She comes to my mind every other day. I simply close my eyes, smile, wish her all the luck and success in the world, and try to think ahead. Its not easy, and it WILL take time. But you will eventually get through it.

Shoot me a message if you need someone to talk too. Speaking wit individuals in the same state of mind helped me tremendously!

-H