Dear Ladybug:

Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend where you are both authentic and you both support the other person’s authenticity. There was a mistake I made in the past in understanding what it means to be authentic. I thought it meant that I need to state any and all thoughts and any and all feelings that went through my mind. I wrongly thought that being authentic was to “confess” everything I thought and felt.

Over time I understood differently: my thoughts and feelings are my business, my private business. No one has the right to those. And it is often enough not wise to blurt out anything that crosses my mind. In my relationship with my husband, I don’t tell him when I have a critical thought about him. I realize he has critical thoughts about me, it is only natural. We don’t have to share those unless there is a point to it. so I evaluate my critical thoughts before blurting them.

Also, I don’t tell him every time I feel anxious or sad. Because I don’t expect him “to fix” me and it is not his responsibility to do so even if he was capable of … fixing me.

But when we do talk, when a topic is being discussed, then anything said is honest. There is no blaming, no pointing fingers, not attacks, covert or overt.

anita

Anita,

With most sincere apologies to Ladybug, I’m going to do something I’m sure I’m not supposed to do. I want to briefly hi-jack her thread here to send a message to you. And as we are discussing authenticity here, I do hope she won’t mind. I couldn’t figure out how to send you a private message.
I just wanted you to know I’ve been lurking here for a while, and offering some anecdotes where I thought I might be of help. Most of the topics here are so far out of my experience I wouldn’t even dream of offering advice, but I never grow tired of reading what you have to offer. I think you are the friend we all wish we had at some point: Kind, insightful, endlessly patient, but not afraid to tell it like it is when honesty is what’s needed most. You seem like an exceptional person and I just wanted to thank you for being who you are. I think you improve the lives of everyone you touch. I look forward to reading more. Be well and have a wonderful day. 🙂

@Ladybug,

I wanted to thank you as well. I did some introspection on the drive home and asked myself why I am not more authentic with my daughter now that she is an adult? When I wrote, I believe my daughter hides things from me out of a fear of disappointing me, I realized that I do the same. I fear losing her respect. When I got home I discussed it with her. We sat on the bed and had a long chat about it. I think we both feel a little better today. 🙂

And as I’m writing this, one of the people here at my work whom I recently gave up as a friend has sent me an email that I sorely want to answer in an authentic way! Instead I’ve written something vague and professional, but I can feel that more authentic response burning in my brain, screaming to be set free! I suppose as Anita pointed out yesterday, being authentic doesn’t mean sharing every thought and feeling. We live in a world that is growing smaller by the day and civility is sometimes the best course, even if it means rewriting that email reply three times before you hit “send.” LOL 😉

Hang in there Ladybug. Keep smiling – or not. 🙂