Hi Anita,
I know it’s a good thing. It’s just really hard. For some reason this time I know I can’t go back. Even if I wanted to, my body is rejecting it. I was miserable. I don’t care anymore. I really don’t care. The worst thing that can happen is people leave. And if I have to be fake in order for people to want to hang out with me, I think I will have a way better life being by myself.
Ya, that probably happened; although I can’t remember a specific time. I just received more praise for being the “good girl”, the “good daughter”. It was easy being the innocent, sweet, nice girl or the ditzy, funny girl.
The fear was never gone. My thought process had to do with what do I say to make so-and-so feel good. It was hardly, what do I want to say in reaction to what so-and-so just said.
Of course I made friends fast. Ditzy, fake, people-pleasers are so non-threatening. But these friendships tended to end fast.
These fears have been with me for so long. Might as well face them. I just have to sit with the fears and continue to be myself despite that. Scary, but worth it.

ChristinemarieA,
Thanks:) What you said about friendships and true friends sticking around is true.

For those of you who are or have already made the transition in being authentic, how do you deal with the fakeness? I see it everywhere, amongst family members, at the supermarket… I get easily irritated. The other day at work this woman who I help told me to “smile, you’re on camera.” I felt so annoyed like I would explode. I didn’t smile and looked back at her and then continued with what I was doing or asked her something about work (I don’t remember). I know it was passive aggressive and also I didn’t know how to answer, I just know that I don’t want to smile because everyone is “supposed to”. Anyways, does it get better? I find myself to be bitter a lot (I oddly feel really good feeling like this, but at the same time I don’t want to feel this way forever).

I’m glad Anita:)

What if its your family? Now that I refuse to be bubbly I realize more and more how fake most of my family is. My dad hides behind the computer or TV. My mom keeps on saying how fun everything is and really emphasizes you should be good and how great everything is. I have one brother who isn’t fake but is 5 years younger than me and is a teenager so I don’t think it’s that appropriate to tell him all this stuff going on. My other brother is really into being seen as cool and power playing if threatened so not that genuine. I feel really alone. The only one I can feel like I can talk to is my bf. I’m allowed to be depressed or mad or sad or happy with him. I am loved by him despite what I feel. I feel like it’s unfair of me to put this all on him. I also have two other friends who are pretty genuine. I feel so sad with my family. I just want to say “how are you doing, no really how are you doing?” I feel depressed right now, just a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been isolating myself from them, which probably isn’t good. But every time I start talking with them I want to break down and cry. I want to say “how can you all (except for my youngest brother) live like this?! It is so painful”. I feel really alone with my family. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve supposedly known these people all my life, but actually don’t really know them.