Dear Anita,

It’s been a while and I am glad to say that I am fine.

This past Thursday I experienced a lot of anxiety in the morning. Anxiety that someone would take my seat in class, and just anxiety for things reasons I know not. It faded as the class went on, but when I got home the anxiety came back. I don’t understand why if I wouldn’t be having class again until Tuesday. Dread I suppose.

However, Friday, and the weekend was fine. It was good and I was not anxious at all. Monday was good as well. No anxiety about the upcoming day.

Today was a bit overwhelming. I had a hard time not running to class even though I was 20 minutes early. Everyone just has a habit about showing up to class early even though the professor doesn’t arrive until 5 minutes before. I felt comfortable in lecture after I sat down, but to be honest, as soon as the professor opened the door, I leaped up to get into my seat. Lab class was great, which is not something I expected to be saying. I talked to the two girls in my group and we worked well in the experiment. I was the one doing most of the instructions and gathering of things, they seemed not too sure about what to do, I felt comfortable leading the group. However, I know that this is only because it was a small group. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I felt so comfortable, that I even managed to ask them if they wanted to work together for the upcoming group project, even though group names are not due for another two weeks. They said yes, and I was glad to get it over with. We then talked about our upcoming exam, our quiz, and yoga. It was good.

Unfortunately, while I did good socially today, my general anxiety was high. Especially when it came to driving. I was worried I was driving too slow, that I was withholding traffic by not driving faster, that other drivers were probably irritated by me, even when I was driving the speed limit and when the cars in front of me were pretty far away. Turning on streets was especially when I thought that. I felt the sense to hurry up. It was very overwhelming. When I parked I asked myself, am I too close to the street or too far apart. My general thoughts were, “can I go now? are there any cars coming? there are no cars coming, I better hurry, oh no, I am going a bit too fast, I better slow down” etc. It was like this the whole time. Unfortunately, I do not think practicing mindfulness would help me in this case, I’d get caught up in thoughts with myself, and I would get distracted.

My anxiety today also revolved around crossing the street, not arriving on time, being too late, coming across stray dogs, etc.
So my question is, what can I do in this case? How can I make it manageable? I really do not know what is worse, having general anxiety or social anxiety.

Thank you for that part about comparison. You are right, “Comparisons can be counter productive. People see too much into symptoms, thinking things like: oh, I don’t have THAT symptom, that means that person is too different from me. Thing is the symptoms of anxiety are different but anxiety is always… too much fear at too young of an age to deal with it healthily.” This really is what it is.

I am glad you are doing better, “Well, I am still healing, every single day, practicing mindfulness and more mindfulness, paying attention and I am seeing more and more each day. The more I notice, the more I see what I didn’t see before, the more there is to see the day after. I do not anticipate “the day AFTER” that is, me being healed and living “happily ever after” in a state of eternal comfort.” This brings up a big question for me, and it has to do with what Cheaw Hon said. She said she overcame her anxiety and issues. However, while not trying to compare her to me, I couldn’t help but ask myself, is there a way to overcome our disorders? Or is it something that will be with us all our lives? The rational part of me says that it is not possible and that since it has gone on for far too long that regardless of how much I can manage it, that there will always be remnants of it.

Thank you for asking me how I was doing. I got too busy with school work that I forgot to respond.

Dear Anita,

Last week, I was doing so well. Right now, it is the complete opposite. I now understand what you meant when you said it was not a linear process and that it would not get better and then even better but that rather there would be some regression at times. I completely understand it now.

Unfortunately, yesterday during the day, my anxiety was very high. Deep breathing helped, but I felt my anxiety escalating, creeping up on me, building and building. I could not calm it. I tried being mindful, but my anxiety was too much. Before leaving the house to pick up my brother, I ran through the house twice to make sure everything was off and that the back door was locked. After heading out to my car, I couldn’t help but think that I had left the lamp on in my room, which I knew I hadn’t but I couldn’t resist the urge to check anyway, so I unlocked the door as fast as I could, fumbling around, only to realize that yeah, the lamp had been turned off. Driving was fine. I was calmer than ever.

However, when I got home, and as the evening progressed, my anxiety started coming back. I have an exam in biology today, so maybe that’s the cause. I suppose I’m anxious about not doing well, about failing. I noticed that as soon as I started studying for the exam, my anxiety would get stronger. I don’t understand why, I know the material. I suppose I’ve just been feeling burnt out. I don’t like that, it’s only 3 weeks into the semester and all ready I feel like I am pushing myself too hard. So I drank some tea but it didn’t help this time. I even noticed how anxious my dog had become throughout the day as well. He sensed my distress.

It was hard to fall asleep. I wasn’t thinking about anything really, I just couldn’t sleep, it has become a habit for me to lay in bed for about 2 hours before I can get any sleep. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 2 am. I tried practicing being mindful, but it only made me feel worse. I was panicking, it felt like I was drowning in my anxiety. I wanted to puke from how strong it was. It radiated throughout my whole body. I couldn’t breath, I felt the goosebumps on my skin, I was nauseous. I tried thinking about the sky and the color of it, it didn’t help. I couldn’t bring myself to get up, the heat was unbearable. I felt like I was going to die. It was another panic attack.

I finally up, walked around for a few minutes, had trouble breathing, feeling cold and nauseous, but I managed not to vomit, So at least there’s that. I went back to bed, not a good idea, feeling ill again. Got up, laid down in the living room on the new sofa, I just started at the clock for about 6 minutes, watching the blue numbers slowly change. I felt the leather underneath me rustle as I tried to get comfortable on the couch. I felt better, so I went to bed again. I felt vulnerable out in the darkness of the living room which is what prompted me to go back to bed. There it was, that fear. Fear of what is in the dark.

It didn’t help that for dinner I had eaten pork yesterday. Unfortunately, it seems that I have developed an allergy to pork, and I was feeling the ill effects of that as well as my anxiety simultaneously. Not a good thing. I can’t stand feeling ill, so this is it for me, no more pork. That gives me some piece of mind.

Now I really must get some sleep, it’s 30 past 3 and I’ve got to be up in about 3 hours. Hopefully I can sleep, and hopefully I’ll have a better day.

Dear Anita,

Thank you. I used to write a lot in the past, but now I feel stuck. I’ve never been able to finish a journal, can you believe it?

“the lying in bed awake… the OCD thoughts of leaving the light on and so forth. And I know the panicky feelings, getting scared of the fear itself and how worse can it get, adding fear to fear.” Exactly. While I was out in the living room, it didn’t bother me at first to be in the dark, I felt too ill. But then that fear crept up on me. I didn’t know what to do except turn on the lights and go to my room as quickly as I could. And that anxiety attack… It was horrible. I felt like I was going to die.

“when you are significantly afraid and the fear is escalating, you become mindful of it, meaning you become aware that not ALL of you is scared, only part of you. You move yourself from being suffocated underneath the fear, freeing yourself that way so that you can position yourself side by side to the fear and observe it. You position yourself so you are no longer one with the fear but you can observe it from another part of your brain.” This sounds like a good thing to do. To observe the situation from another angle.

I will definitely practice the exercise you’ve just showed to me. I’m thinking it will work well with my anxiety attacks. However, will it work well when I am scared of the dark, or having frightening thoughts? Or would it make that worse? I mean, technically they are all fears, I just suppose I am more scared of the dark and the frightening thoughts than the anxiety itself.

Is there anything I can do about my sleeping problems? I don’t like lying down in bed for about 2 hours without being able to fall asleep, sometimes it takes me even longer.

Dear Anita,

I am doing all right.

I am glad to report that I am back to walking and jogging. I won’t be running for a while though.

I’ve been feeling sick since last week and that has left me with very little energy to do much. That, coupled with the severe insomnia from the past few weeks has finally caught up to me. I am feeling utterly exhausted. All I want to do is sleep! I find myself sleeping in every time I get the chance, and I’ve been going to sleep very early for almost a week.

Unfortunately, for the first time ever, I missed a due date for a homework assignment. I felt upset about that, and I started doubting my ability to get an A in that course. I’ve been so tired that I have little motivation to do school work. I just keep wanting to put it all off until the last minute. I couldn’t be bothered to do school work. I feel that perhaps in a week I might feel better, but right not I feel like I am drowning in quick sand when it comes to energy and motivation. I find that I had been pressuring myself to do a lot, and that stress of trying to get ahead is not helping my anxiety, energy or motivation.

I find myself realizing that I am intimidated and that my anxiety flares up when there are teenagers around, high school age I’d say. Perhaps this is because I see how cruel and criticizing they can be. Or maybe it’s just my bad experiences from high school. I feel under extreme stress when I am around teenagers whether in line at the store, or anywhere really. I feel like hiding and just avoiding them forever.