Dear Anita,

“If your mental disorders are the consequences of her behavior toward you, well.. if she does not believe that a forming child is affected by the child’s parents’ behavior toward the child… well, this is a giant blind spot, isn’t it?” It really is. My mother has always been supportive, and as caring as she can be, despite the fact that her parents were physically and verbally abusive towards her. No emotional or physical affection. So, in a sense I think she is doing as best as she can based on her experiences. She always welcomes me to share with her. She knew I was dealing with depression a while ago and she was amazing. However, I never let her know about the bullying, I saw how much it affected her after I got into that fight at school. I didn’t want to break her heart or hurt her. It was my burden to carry, not hers. I didn’t want her to see me as a broken doll that needed fixing. I didn’t want anyone to see my vulnerability.

“When a parent believes that his or her behavior has no consequence on the child’s mental health… what kind of oversight is it, Aislynn? What kind of blindness is it?” It is a very big oversight I say. However, my mother is very aware of this. I think that the reason why she doesn’t take mental health so seriously, is because deep down she herself is still very hurt from the abuse and neglect of her parents. I believe this is why she doesn’t acknowledge it. She understands how much words can hurt and when me, my sister, and my younger brother are mad at each other she makes sure to tell us, her daughters, as the oldest ones, that we need to watch our words with my 9 year old brother. He is overweight and we are forbidden from calling him fat, because although we don’t say it to bully him, just to let him know to watch what he eats, my mother understands how damaging words can be. She is conscious about mental health issues, yet there is something that prevents her from fully acknowledging it in others.

“I still don’t know what father issues you are referring to then (bio or step father issues? Or both).” Biological father issues. It wasn’t bullying or anything, but rather abandonment. The way I saw it back then, I am his blood, his child, he was one of the two people who were supposed to love me unconditionally but did not, or he would have tried to let me know what was going on. He would have tried to stay in contact with me and he should have thought about how it might impact me. He did not, he was selfish, very much so and left us with nothing. That is my father issue, because of this, I am very untrusting of men. I have commitment issues and because of this my relationships are not very stable. I will go out with a guy, we’ll be together for up to a month, after which I will doubt that I like them, I will break up with them, realize I like them, go back, and so on. This hasn’t happened with just one of my exes, but a majority of them. It is a pattern with me. Also, rather than have them break up with me, I break up with them, I don’t like the sense of being dumped. During high school I didn’t want to be alone, so much so that I craved the attention of guys, I went out with various guys, on and off, and kept stringing them along, just so I could prove to myself that I was likable and that I could have them at any time I wanted to. I don’t feel stable in relationships. I feel as though the minute I fall for them, they’ll walk out on me, and I doubt myself. Which is why I kept stringing others along. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be left again, so I always left them. Sounds twisted doesn’t it? Believe me, I know how wrong I was. I realized how wrong I was and tried to break that pattern.

“This is unfortunate and it affected you very much. When bullied, you definitely needed at the time your parents’ protection, understanding, guidance and support..! Very much so.” I did, I needed someone to tell me everything would be all right, that it could be fixed. However, I was too stubborn to let my mom know. I didn’t want to worry anyone. I’m sure my mom would have been very helpful had I let her in.

“Please continue your Mindfulness work- you got it and you are getting it. Let me know how you are keeping at it! Write anytime you would like. Your pace, your choice of topics!” I most definitely will let you know. I was pleasantly surprised that today I haven’t felt as anxious as I thought I’d be. I have felt anxious, but not overwhelmingly so. My breathing does seem emotionally heavy though. I was a lot more anxious yesterday and the day I started this thread. It certainly helps knowing that someone else understands what I am going through. It somehow makes it seems like things are not so bad. I start my semester tomorrow so I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to talk about with you tomorrow.

I have to be honest and say that I was googling, “social anxiety college” just the other day. I found lots of threads of others who feel so much social anxiety that they skip school, drop out, cry when talking to people, stutter, don’t have any friends, etc. Reading some of them helped me, it makes me grateful that my disorder is not as strong. It makes me feel more confident that I can do it. If other people younger than me or my age, have it worst than me, then I think to myself, “you are not alone, you can do it.” Of course, we’ll see how that all goes tomorrow.

Dear Anita,

“excess, ongoing fear from long ago… and now, you have to be, over time, that strong, capable person that you always needed and did not have.” Yes, I do. I guess I’ve known that for a while now. I’ve always felt like I couldn’t rely on others but myself, and when it comes to my social anxiety I really am the only one that can help myself in the sense that the way I react to my anxiety is what either helps me improve or keeps me stuck.

“Focus on overall progress, not perfection.” This is something I will have to keep in mind.

Today was my first day of class this semester and I am pleasantly surprised to say that I didn’t feel much anxiety at all. It was nothing compared to the previous years.

I made sure that last night I was calm, not anxious. I knew that if I let my anxiety take hold of me, that it would make it much more difficult in the morning. I guess a lot of my anxiety has to do with my expectations of what could happen, anticipation. So I ran two miles, I usually jog or walk, but I felt I had tension building up somewhat so I ran. It felt good, and even when my body was tired of running, my mind was not, so I kept running. Unfortunately, by not listening to my body I strained a muscle on my leg. After that I decided to check my schedule, the class roster (to get a feel of who the people could be, as if their names could give away anything), I looked at the bus schedule, and I spent more than 30 minutes trying to find out where exactly in the building my classes would be. Struggling to find my classes really built up my anxiety. Once I found out where my classes would be, I planned out how I would walk to my class the next day. I decided I was already feeling much too anxious too my liking, so I sat down and watched a tv series that I really enjoy, and I had some passion flower tea that is supposed to relax your mind and muscles. I don’t know if it really worked because it really does do what it advertises, or because I felt like it worked, so it did. What matters is that it worked for me. I wasn’t able to sleep much because of the pain in my leg, so I was up early and started feeling anxious. The tea worked last night so I thought I’d drink some this morning. I wasn’t worried about forgetting anything because I had made sure to have everything in my backpack ready for the next day, so I was ready to go. On the way to school I focused on being mindful. I focused on the cars, the road, the bridges, etc. Once I got to school I even forgot to put in my earbuds (I always have to have earbuds when I am out at school and don’t have anyone to talk to, it makes me feel less overwhelmed). I went to the bookstore, atm, and walked around to find my classes, and then I took a seat in one of the lounging area, with a clear view of the outside. I still had about 50 minutes left before class started so I just checked my email, deleted some old pictures, etc. I then saw someone in the lounge area looking outside, so I thought, “I’m going to focus on what I see.” I wasn’t anxious, and was able to keep myself sitting there, until about 17 minutes before class during which I checked on my leg and freshened up a bit. The hallway was full of people, and while I would usually feel intimidated, this time it didn’t bother me. I waited for the teacher to arrive and I sat in the front row, something I hadn’t attempted previously. I just didn’t want to sit in the back and look like a slacker. I wasn’t nervous or anxious. The professor was friendly enough, and she used me and a couple of other people in my row to make examples of favoritism, phone policies, team work, etc and I was fine with it. I didn’t have to stand up or anything, but even then, that sort of attention makes me heat up like a tomato, not this time. I was however, very conscious of myself, my actions. I was very aware of the people in the same row as me, the position of my arms, my surroundings. The professor talked about the group project and said “if you find yourself not having a group, come see me and I will pair you with a group who I think you will fit in well” and while I hoped I wouldn’t have to resort to that, it made me feel better. I thought to myself that I’d worry about it when the time came. Then for my next class I was running a little late, luckily it was only half of the people from my first class, 24, and so I didn’t feel so intimidated going in. I was one of the last ones, but I still felt comfortable. Luckily, the guy in the group I sat in was cracking jokes and being funny, talking to me a bit, and I felt included, even though I felt that the girls at the other table were not amused. I was glad to not feel nervous or anxious. I felt aware, of myself, of others. Even waiting for the bus, I did not feel as paranoid as I usually do. It was a good day.

So in light of that, I was thinking that a great part of my anxiety comes from anticipation, anticipation of talking to other, anticipation of feeling lost, anticipation of getting mugged, etc. Once I was able to calm down that anticipation, the actual moments were a lot better. The mindfulness certainly helped.

Also, I believe it helped that I got out a lot of my worries before the actual day, that I planned it out and stuck with it, otherwise I know I would have certainly been a mess. Had I not found the school map, or figured out where to find the lounge area, I would have been anxious no doubt. Another thing that helped was knowing that someone else knew about my issue and that I was able to find forums with other people whose problem was worse than mine. It put things in perspective. Also, what I did different than last time was that instead of telling myself to not feel anxious, I told myself that it was all right, that it was going to be okay, that I would do fine and that it would all work out. That positive self talk helped, a lot.

Dear Anita,

“it is as if you were born to be mindful, you are so good at it.” I do believe I have always been very observant about the world around me, so yes I do believe it does come fairly easily to me. The only thing I struggle with is going off on tangents of what ifs, theories, etc. I am just a very curious person, so it does not come easily to me to not observe or analyze the information.

“way less chances to get injured walking briskly than running because walking you always have one foot on the ground and it is as effective as an aerobic exercise and stress relief, if you walk fast” Great point Anita, you are very correct. I won’t be able to do much physical activity for the next week or so, so running and jogging are definitely out of the picture. But when I do get back to it, I will definitely walk briskly. For now, I can walk with very little pain on my leg. However, when sitting down I can hardly move it because it aches a lot. Rather than risk further injury I am going to lay off of physical activity so my leg can heal.

“You planned a lot, took the extra time, so no rushing… you decided where to sit in class, in the front. And you did not execute perfectly: you forgot your earbuds, BUT you didn’t get distressed over it. (Perfection can never be achieved!)” Yes, I planned a lot. I realize I do that a lot. I tend to plan as much as I can when it comes to going out the supermarket, the post office, school, the bus, etc. While it helps calm me down, I have to admit that I feel like I am adding to my burden, in the sense that when I am not able to plan I am a nervous wreck. So essentially I am creating a dependency on my planning, and that planning itself takes a long time, I always go over my plan more than a few times.

“Excellent job, Aislynn! Excellent. You minimized all the factors that could cause you distress (being early, planning how to get to classrooms, and having plenty of time every step of the way) and you calmed yourself when you started getting distressed (TV show)- this is so important, to notice when you start getting distressed and taking a calming action right there and then!” Thank you for that. Yes, I did notice that right as soon as I start feeling that dread or anxiety creeping up, that is when I need to take action and do something to put myself in a good place.

“Please continue… and take care of that muscle… walking fast next time?” I will most definitely take care of that muscle and not run for a while. So yes, walking fast. However, I feel that sometimes I want to go faster, and faster and faster, as if I could just run away from it all. A good feeling, but not so good for my body.

I have an observation to make. A few months ago I started picking up on just how anxious my dog had become. Specifically around people or other dogs. I thought it was just his personality, but about a month or so ago I came to the realization that it was because of me. Because I was scared and anxious all of those times. I felt anxiety that the other dog would be mean to my dog, or that it would bark or growl. Then I would feel anxious when anyone passed by me at the park, or asked to pet my dog, so in a sense I was passing all of that anxiety to my dog. He would twitch his ears, shrink away and stick his tongue out nervously. They say that dogs are very keen at sensing our emotions, and I see how true that is. My dog loves to be pet, all the time. He’s a lap dog. He would always stick his tongue out a little bit or twitch his ears when I would pet or cuddle him, and I realize that this all coincides to when I was feeling dread, nervousness, uncertainty, because just yesterday, and today when I wasn’t feeling anxious, he didn’t do any of that. He didn’t do any of his nervous habits.

Dear Anita,

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so observant or aware. It haunts me at times.

You’re very right, it does then make sense that children would pick up on their parents actions and tensions. It is then no wonder that children start acting out, they are just emulating what they know.

Yes, indeed lucky dog. However, I love him so much that I hate him having to feel and sense my anxiety if even for a little. His life is short and I want him to enjoy it, not spend it feeling my anxiety.

Well, that sounds good. In reference to in the future not having to worry so much about planning in the future when I can better manage it.

Ah, so even the rushing dictates that part of my life, what I thought was my escape from it. Right now, in light of my pulled muscle I will do some yoga and see how that goes.

“Oh, and talk to your dog, tell him calming things: this way he hears your calming tone and you get to hear it too!” Oh yes, I most definitely will, I confide in him, tell him what I don’t say to others. I think he most of all, deserves to be calm.

If you don’t mind me asking, you said you’ve struggled with anxiety most of your life. Before you started, what was your anxiety like, and how is it now? You know, just as a comparison, to see what it is like, to see what it could be like for me one day.