Dear Jared,

I am truly sorry that you are feeling all of these feelings at once, since I very much feel the same. My experience with life at the moment is very much the same (albeit our situation is a bit different).

First and foremost, when changes are happening (taking care of a toddler, another child on its way, loss of your job etc) your brain needs to adjust. Human beings don’t like change. Period. But the way your brain is responding worries me a bit. It seems like you are struggling with heaps of anxiety which is not healthy for your mental health at all.

It is good that you do respond positively to the “happy” things in your life. I always find it important to look at the lights around you (no matter how small) in times of darkness. I think it is completely normal to think, and worry, about the things you are worrying about. But I feel like you are overthinking everything to the extreme… which is unhealthy.

It is at least a good thing that you are not in financial distress! Even though, in this economy, many people are hammering on and on about how you need to have a full-time job otherwise you won’t make it. The fact that people make you seem like a failure when you don’t have a job and all that jazz.. Jared, let me tell you buddy, that’s just the government (I am not some crazy conspiracy theorist stay with me on this one). They want you to have a job and a morgage so YOU become their income and they have you pinned down till you go with retirement and you realized you wasted your years away.

Now, whether you agree with me or not, you do not have to have a 9 to 5 job. Ask yourself this: do you want to spend more time with your family or do you want to waste your time with a bunch of strangers wishing you could go home and spend more time with your family? Exactly. Luckily there is such a thing as the internet. And there are many wonderful people on the internet who have been in the same situation as you and they write blogs or do other things and tell you how to live your life a bit more care-free! I honestly suggest googling around. You need to take the pressure of society off your back a bit.

Ehh, I could go on and on but to make it short, I think you have anxiety issues. But fear not! According to the National Institute of Mental Health at least 18% of the adult population of the USA struggles with anxiety. I advice you to talk to a mental health professional. I would suggest a combination of both therapy and medication, and then figure out if they work for you. I don’t think there is much more to it. Whenever a person is overthinking and stressing so much over things it usually means their brain needs some rest. Meditation and yoga could help you as well, as both are very calming, soothing, and relaxing for both brain and body. Also don’t forget to follow a healthy diet and have an appropriate amount of exercise every day as both can aid you through recovery.

I am glad that writing out has helped you, and I hope my response will help you somewhat as well. Also, don’t forget to open up to your wife about this. Ask her to help you through these difficult times. You are married to one another and the husband doesn’t always have to carry all the burdens of the family. If you open up more to her and talk to her about your struggles you will also grow close to one another which is good for the family dynamics!

If you have anything to add to your story or want to talk to a friend you can find my contact information on my profile (I think?) otherwise just leave another message here and I can give you my contact information. If not, then I wish you and your family all the best. I hope things will work out for you!

Dear Jared,

“Thoughts about the birth, and health of our baby. About the health of my wife, and my ability to be both the husband and father I need to be.”

These are all going to be anxious thoughts. For a change don’t take the thoughts too seriously. I know, you could say “What if these problems are not thoughts and they really come into my life”. For that, do only what is the need of the moment. Planning for the future may well be the need of the moment. But make sure that you are planning and not worrying.

Worrying is like creating a mental script of the outcome of a situation even before it has happened and then using that to scare ourselves.

Planning in your case would be something like – make all the necessary arrangements for the delivery of the baby, good doctor, good hospital, (which I’m sure you may be already doing that), anything that will take care of both the mother and the baby, insurance arrangements etc. or anything else that you know best about your situation.

Regarding your ability to be both the husband and father you need to be –
Take it in a different way – you should now be relieved and confident enough after your first child…so you are now experienced in this situation.

Of course, although I do hope, wish and pray for the good, I do not want to convey that things always go 100% fine. It is life and certain things are beyond our control. So then what to do? – Do only the things that are under our control. Take all the necessary precautions and make all the required arrangements and once you have done that just BE in the present moment.

“The present moment is never intolerable. It is always what is coming in five minutes or five days that makes people despair. The Law of Life is to live in the present, and this applies to both time and place. Keep your attention to the present moment, and in the place where your body is now. Do a fair day’s work, and then stop.” ~Emmet Fox

“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there, or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It’s a split that tears you apart inside.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Realize deeply where you are now. You are already thinking about what kind of a father you are going to be even before the child is born. Think about it when that situation comes into your life…ie; when that becomes your present moment and act accordingly at that moment.

“A short while ago I also lost my job. Now for the most part, This has been ok. We are not in financial distress, and my body definitely needed the break (industrial construction), and this has allowed me to spend more time with my family and help my wife with our toddler. But once again, with the time now to be introspective, I’ve constantly been thinking about what I will do to support them if I am unable to find work again when I need to, have I been doing all that I can?”

Based on personal experiences this break in your life has come for taking rest and to enjoy with your family. You will get into a job very soon and will be back on track.
Apply the same things as described above in the first question. Do all the needful things but without worrying about them – applying to jobs, discussing with friends about employment opportunities, talking with old employers, making any possible financial investments, discussing with your wife only if she is in a position to do so, etc…you will know what all could be done.

I do not think you are going to come to a situation to live on the roads…..I’m sure even you know about it.

And then once you are done quickly come back to the present moment.

“Lump in the leg…There’s a great chance it’s nothing to worry about, but there’s a small chance it is. This has me feeling terrified.”
Let the doctor worry about it and handle it. You are paying for that.
Rest all as explained above is still applicable here.

“This hasn’t helped my Insomnia, which has flared back up.
I’m just having a very hard time with all of this, lots of anxiety, not sleeping well”

For anxiety and sleep do these breathing exercises per the instructions laid out here…
(http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/relaxation-meditation-techniques/#post-114812)

For sleep count the numbers backwards – ie; from 100 to 1
(http://www.magicwandcoach.com/count-to-sleep.htm)

You are guaranteed to fall asleep and you won’t even know at what number you went asleep. If there is a lot of mental/emotinal turmoil then don’t forget to do the breathing exercises before the counting.

Take care and please do convey the joyful news of the li’l one.

VJ.