Sapna,

I’m sorry for the continued cycles you’ve been going through, the heart is sometimes like a rollercoaster. One of my teachers described it like extreme surfing.

It sound like what you’re doing is closer to suppression than letting go. As you said, when you think painful thoughts, you try to redirect your mind with thinking loving thoughts. This is OK for little things, I guess, but for big emotionally charged thoughts it is not good. Its like painting over wallpaper, or putting sugar on rotten fruit… it doesn’t really solve the nature of the difficulty, it just tries to cover it.

Instead what we can do is look at the impermanent nature of our emotions and thoughts. For instance, you noticed guys weren’t looking at you, and your mind decided that you weren’t pretty enough for them. Then your body felt an emotion of lonesomeness, which your ex used to get rid of for you. So instead of noticing the lonesomeness, and saying “yep this is lonesomeness and will settle shortly” your mind started cycling in all the old ways it used to dissipate. Down the rabbit hole you tumbled until you lost all your good feelings and landed in a puddle of self-pity and self-loathing.

Which makes you feel like you’re at square 1, back at the bottom. This is not true… you’re on an upward spiral, because each fall brings more information, more momentum for breaking free. You really gotta stop beating yourself up for stumbling, its going to happen over and over as you heal your dependence on others to “build you back up”.

Perhaps now instead of covering up the old with new, you can continue self-nurturing and just noticing the thoughts. One of my teachers said we don’t have to wish the clouds away, they will blow away with time. The goal is to not resist or cover the thoughts or feelings… we just notice them and get some detachment from them. “Yes, here are thoughts of ex. Here are emotions of sorrow and icky.” Breathe in breathe out. It helps me to think of a can of worms that when the top comes off and the springs uncoil and they fly everywhere, we don’t try to catch them or get mad that we popped the top or that someone gave us the can… we just let them fly and keep walking, keep breathing. The emotions settle, the mind empties, the clouds clear.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

I’m so sorry it remains painful for you, sapna the sweet dreamer. If I could, I would cradle you in my arms like my baby sister and gently stroke your hair, letting you cry it out. Its unfair that you suffer so powerfully, and if you could only see the love we have… waiting for you just beyond all the pain… you and I could laugh and dance and sing again under the stars with all our other siblings.

But it takes time. Poor sapna, rocking yourself to sleep feeling alone and unloved. My beautiful sister, locked inside your room searching for the key frantically and ceaselessly, yet unable to see it through your red and blurry eyes. I wish I could pass the key under the door, but its locked so tight! You have to cry it out, let it out. Beat the pillows, scream and yell, jump up and down… give the pain back to earth, back to momma. Don’t keep it in, let it pour back into the river… your body deserves peace.

You are not alone. We’re all here rooting for you, hoping for you, wishing for you to let go. These memories come up, and they are bitter sweet, because you were in a moment of joy, and now you’re not. It is sad, that all romance ends through death or disinterest… but while it is alive there is such beauty that it is worth the pain. It is enough beauty that it drives us to incarnate over and over, just to have an illusion of separation thick enough that we can find each other again… rediscover each other again. He is out there waiting for you, and his spirit sings to mine. Not the placeholder, the foolish grumpy back turner you think provided you so much joy. You have to settle that addiction before you’ll be ready to accept real love. Your soulmate, who not only loves the real you, sapna the dreamer, but the one who will help you find out what romance really is, what union really is.

Whew, I have to let go of that energy before it sweeps me away! 🙂 Consider that all addicts have triggers. If you were an alcoholic, the feeling would be similar. “But I want to drink, I miss drinking!” Yes, that’s normal and fades with time. Each day, don’t drink. Accept the cravings as cravings, and cry if you need to, or beat some pillows if you need to, but don’t drink. Take a bath, go for a walk. Keep going, it gets better with time.

With warmth,
Matt+

Sapna,

One thing you could do is look back at the child sapna that was scared and feeling alone and talk to her. Give her the unconditional love from adult sapna that she was looking for.

Remember a time when you were young and put your arms around the child and tell her that you’re sorry for her pains, her fears… how mommy and daddy didn’t know how to help her but that’s OK. She’ll find peace and love in time, and you’re there for her. Imagine holding her in your arms and give her your strength and love.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

I know how much you’d like it if someone would lift this fog for you, but it really has to come from within… it seems like you’re being kicked every time you seek outward for love right now. You seem to have an understanding of the tools but you have to say enough is enough and surrender your past, then you can build the raft. Stop yelling at yourself, you’ve done that long enough! We all go through something similar before we awaken. You think your pain belongs to you, is something special… but it happens to us all. I believe in you… you just have to keep walking.

With warmth,
Matt

Thanks for sharing Sapna. I find it inspiring to read statements like, “I’ll just let them be.”

The loneliness and pain that you experience as a result of this breakup could be one of the most liberating, powerful, and awakening life experiences you’ll ever have. I get a sense that you’re already gaining so many more insights about yourself and the world around you.

I wish you all the best on your journey.