I know exactly where you’re coming from and it’s a horrible feeling because you feel so guilty for not being able to be truly happy for your friend’s successes in whatever form. When I’ve felt this way about a friend in the past my fear came down to two main things:
– that the friend would notice that they had become ‘better’ than me and would start behaving as if they were ‘better’ than me, which would lead to a rejection of sorts and more emotional pain which would confirm my inferiority.
– that others (this was even worse for me) would notice this superiority and start acting on it.

I knew that if my friend or others were to act as if there were some kind of hierarchy of a person’s worth in terms of their attributes (appearance, cleverness, social behaviour etc) then that would be extremely shallow and something that I did not want in my life, but thought that perhaps that’s just the ‘harsh truth’ and the way life inevitably ‘is’. We cannot help judging others, after all. It is part of being human.

However, it does not have to be like this. Remove yourself from these social-media generated, black-and-white hierarchies and see the bigger picture. You are enough as you are. Jealousy is a horrible burden and will only hurt you, it will never motivate you to become ‘better’, at least not for long. When you can be completely and genuinely happy for your friend’s successes (and everyone else’s) then things will fall into place and you will feel peace. It’s not easy and your feelings are natural; it is a good thing you have recognised the damage they are doing. Facebook and other social media makes these feelings 1000000 X worse but what you see on a screen is so rarely a true depiction of real life. Just as you say that nobody would be able to see the jealousy you carry inside, your friend is likely doing the same thing in some way and has her own set of emotional issues that she is grappling with.

Be honest with yourself and embrace how you feel, jealousy and all. Don’t try to talk yourself out of it or rationalise it or mentally punish yourself for feeling this way. Just accept the feelings and then try to find the place beyond success and failure and winning and losing. Remember you (and her) are enough just as you are and nothing will change that.

I once read that jealousy happens when we’re forced to look in a mirror at ourselves. I’m actually also in the middle of some “she’s just like me, but better” feelings that I’m working through and trying to process. This kind of jealousy comes from inadequacy, because it’s like the other person’s achievements and strengths shines a light on the parts of us we are most insecure about.

For me, the best course of action is allowing myself to have these emotions, but not letting them control my behaviour. I feel the jealousy, accept the emotion, then let it go and move forward with conscious kind thoughts and actions.

Best of luck!

Hi there! I once had a friend like you that I ended up cutting out of my life. I’m much happier without her but occasionally I find myself missing her because we were friends for a long time. However, she was extremely manipulative and mean to me throughout the years, and the more successful I became, the worse she treated me. When we first became friend as, I was rougher, and needed friends to soften me, but as the years went on she became a worse person. Judgmental, rude, crass, did I say manipulative? Anyhow, it took another pair of eyes for me to see that besides her being an awful and toxic person, she was very jealous of me. I had a stable job, a great boyfriend, and I was moving on in life. In our earlier friendship she was used to being the more conventionally attractive one, but I grew and blossomed and the attractiveness gravitated towards me. Regardless of everything going on, I continued the friendship out of blind loyalty and unnecessary obligation. It got to a point, where I had an emergency hospital visit before I moved in with my boyfriend, and as I focused on my mental health while sharing parts of my new found happiness with her, she told me I was leaving her out of everything. Any emotional attachment I had was beginning to deplete. I feel that I maybe could have handled this if not for the person that jealousy and whatever the hell her problem was but my point is, please stop being jealous of your friend. Whatever she has going on for her, you could have and be even happier with if you try. NO ONE WANTS A JEALOUS FRIEND, THEY SUCK. So be an honest friend, be happy for her. If you aren’t, fake it until you are. It will leave you with a drama and stress free life, and you’ll be a better person for it.