Home→Forums→Relationships→So he said we could talk….
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Matt.
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August 5, 2013 at 9:12 am #39753
KimParticipantMy first post in this topic was titled “He’s gone….again”. If you want a little background. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he broke up. This morning he sent me a text (first contact in this period) that said this
“If you would like to talk about a few things that is fine. I know you unfriended a lot of people and then texted a few. I understand you are hurt and I didn’t want that but there is no use going thru all this if it can’t be fixed. If ya wanna talk let me know. If not I understand.”I have mixed feelings about this. I’m still hurting and miss him and have a hard time seeing my life without him. But yet I have a lot of questions that are unanswered and maybe it will help with a little bit of closure. I don’t know. Maybe it will send me back to the emotional mess I was 2 weeks ago. Shouldn’t I take that risk? I’m afraid of going in to this conversation with hope of trying to fix it and get back together….even though I know I shouldn’t (because of what everyone else is telling me). Will talking to him and getting questions answered just defeat my healing? Yesterday was really rough. I sat on the couch and begged and asked God (I am not a religious person either) to please help me. Show me something to help this pain go away, something to help me to heal and not miss him so much, I was in such desperation. Is this the sign? Is this what I need to do to be able to heal and let him go?
I told him that I would like to talk about things. So afraid of getting hurt again. I can’t start over. I’m better than I was 2 weeks ago.
August 5, 2013 at 9:57 am #39755
EParticipantHmmmm this is really a hard question to answer because if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t know what to do..my only concern is what you mentioned in your story. You said he was your world and made you happy but did he really? If it will calm you to speak with him then do so but what if you talk and you still don’t get the answers you have Answered? In addition, you haven’t allowed enough time to pass to deal with your own issues. Before my final breakup my ex and I broke up twice and got together each time within a short amount of time and each time I felt like it got worse getting back together because we became more distant and closed up when things didn’t go well. I worry that you are already thinking you’ll talk and fix things right away and get back together and you may but what if it turns out he just wants to talk to,see how you’ll react to him, etc…look I truly would not even respond or waste any more time on this, he has done enough to show you he is only concerned about his needs and happiness…I don’t want you to be worse off because you spoke to him.. If you do talk because something says you should let him know this one is gonna take time and that if he is willing to work things out he is going to have to abide by your wishes and needs. Wish u luck. W
August 5, 2013 at 10:00 am #39757EParticipantOh and btw if you were truly better, you wouldn’t have responded and wanted to talk to him about anything..hence if your still worried about getting hurt and not being able to go through this again…..red alert…you are not ready much less doing better….something to think about…don’t do things out of spontaneity or desperation…think things through please before you act…e
August 5, 2013 at 11:05 am #39761KimParticipantAt first I was OK with getting together to talk just so I could get some answers I’ve been needing. But now I am really not sure. I am still really hurt and I am not sure I am ready to do it. I don’t want it to turn out like he is breaking up all over again. We haven’t set a time yet to meet…he asked how my evening schedule was. And I feel like this is it…this is the last real conversation we are going to have because it’s all he will allow most likely. You are right, that I’m not truly better and healed because if I was then I wouldn’t need to want to talk to him. I make rash decisions and they end up being not very good ones. So confused.
August 5, 2013 at 11:21 am #39762
JessicaParticipantDon’t go. You don’t need him to give you closure, only you can do that. I truly understand how you feel and I can feel you are not ready. If you are distraught on just making the decision to see him, you’re not ready. If you go, it’s because you are hoping for some hope of getting back or some string of validation from him, to again I assure you he will not provide for you; you need to get that on your own, from within your inner strength.. Don’t respond or SIMPLY say you need your space, no back and forth dialogue. Get your power back girl and you will continue to feel better than you were two weeks ago. Promise.
August 5, 2013 at 2:38 pm #39765
SassypantsParticipantSimple: don’t do it. Your ego want to but your authentic self doesn’t. BE STRONG!
August 5, 2013 at 3:38 pm #39769
MattParticipantDanger danger. You found the spark, don’t let him blow it out! Kim isn’t found in his reflection, its down the path you’re walking with him in the dust. Perhaps consider yourself an addict and him the drug. One more time off the wagon won’t kill you, but it will invigorate the feeling of craving… and you paid such an high price already. Way pay it again?
With warmth,
MattAugust 5, 2013 at 5:44 pm #39776
JohnParticipantI agree with the others, don’t go.
And there’s that word again, “closure”. I have to be honest, I’m a bit allergic to it myself. 😉 Every time I hear it, it sounds like we’re trying to put our past pains and sufferings in a little box, tie them up with a bow, and place them on the shelf so we can stand back and say, “Whew! Another case closed.”
But, in pursuit of that closure, we just end up in a constant churn trying to figure out, “What did I do?”, “What did he do?”, “What if I said this?”, “What if he said that?” And round and round we go.
And what if you just go off the merry go round? What if you just went on with your day to day life and left it all behind? And once you got off and did look back, you would see it spin out of control behind and you’d think to yourself, “Really? Was I on that thing? LOL! I must haven’t been nuts.” 😛
One foot in front of the other always moving forward. There’s nothing back there, but the future has limitless possibilities. 🙂
August 6, 2013 at 6:49 am #39825KimParticipantWell this morning I’m still struggling what I should do. I’m listening to all of your advice and I know it’s probably the best thing….but my heart is hurting still so much. I’m sitting here typing this at work about to break into tears. The knot in my stomach. The ache in my heart. And the uncertainty and constant thinking in my head. This morning I kept thinking of the questions I want answers to…then I’d say ‘ what is the point? what am I going to gain from this?’. I want to know what he meant by going in different directions. Why was he always so back and forth all the time. Is he wanting to go thru life just dating random women? Or is it just me he doesn’t want. So I ask myself if I do go and ask these questions, how is that going to help me heal? I would most likely have to go over to his house…and the idea of having to walk back into that house, with the familiar smells, and the dog running around, and him there makes me feel sick to my stomach. Knowing that I am walking in there not as his girlfriend. Too many memories in that house for me that I am trying to put behind me. Part of me says to go and do it, get it over with and deal with it. The other says “sweetie, you are not ready”.
August 6, 2013 at 7:37 am #39830JohnParticipantI feel for you Kim, I really do. Stay strong.
I’ve been there before, going back to the space where you shared a love – the smells, sights, and sounds like a barrage on your senses every little thing eliciting a memory and emotion.
If you don’t have to go back, don’t. If you must, take it easy and one step at time. Don’t rush through it, but don’t linger either. Make a list of things you need to pick up to help you stay focused on the task at hand.
I’m not a religious person, but I’d like to think I know words of wisdom when I see them and St. Francis de Sales said it best, “Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.”
August 6, 2013 at 7:55 am #39834KimParticipantThere really is no reason for me to go back there, see him, or talk to him again. What good will come from this meeting? What could I possibly ask and him answer that will make me feel better. My main question is the question of if he will ever want a serious relationship. So if he says yes, then of course that makes me feel like crap again because it confirms he just doesn’t want me. If he says no, then I will feel bad because I hung in there hoping for a future with him and still get sad for missing that. Everyone is saying he is doing this to make himself feel better because of the crappy way he handled the breakup. He’s always made things about him. I thought about asking if he would come to my house. But I’m reluctant because if he does say he will then I’m almost locked in to having a conversation. I feel that if I say to him I’ve changed my mind and am not ready to talk about anything then he will just tell himself “well I gave her the option to talk about some things if she wanted but she said no so I’ve done what I could do” in order to make himself feel better.
August 7, 2013 at 9:28 am #39912KimParticipantWell, I decided to go with my gut feeling and didn’t talk to him. I had originally said yes but then I was struggling with the decision so much that I thought if I was absolutely ready and OK to talk to him then I wouldn’t be struggling with deciding. I never got any reply back from him, as I didn’t expect to. I most likely made him mad and probably pushed him away. Trying to convince myself that it is OK if that happens. I could probably never have a friendship with him so if we never talk again that would only benefit me. I am one to not want to hurt people or make people mad and I usually end up suffering because of it…that’s one of the reasons I struggled with this. I kept thinking what if he really had wanted to talk and needed to talk….how cruel of me to deny that. But how cruel of him to never talk to me when I needed it. I know I would not have gained anything or benefited from us talking in the long run. I am moving on from this and telling myself that I did what was best for me…for once.
August 7, 2013 at 11:46 am #39924MattParticipantKim,
It is so sweet of you to look at it from his side like that. “What if he needed to talk to me?” This can be a skillful way of letting go, but it is not balanced.
Consider it like this: If a drug addict needs money for drugs, would it be skillful or unskillful to leave your door unlocked just in case they decide to steal from you to get that money?
Consider that if he is unsettled, it is important for him to find the answers without wiping himself off on Kim. It is important for him and you. You aren’t strong enough yet to engage with him in a way that is helpful to him from his side, so the Buddhist adage of “do no harm” is good to practice here. For instance, even if he throws a temper tantrum as a result, I tell my son he cannot stay up until 3 am because I know he needs rest.
Otherwise you put energy behind the old way, which wasn’t good for you and therefore was also not good for him.
Great work on maintaining healthy boundaries! Keep it up!
With warmth,
MattAugust 12, 2013 at 8:28 am #40263KimParticipantThank you Matt. You have given some of the most wonderful advice that really gets to what I am feeling. I do struggle with wanting to contact him just to ask him to please understand why I decided not to talk…even though it was about what I needed to do for myself I still think of him and worry how my decision affects him. That’s the low self esteem part of me. He is so hard to get out of my everyday thoughts and almost like I’m still in shock that he isn’t coming back.
August 12, 2013 at 8:59 am #40267MattParticipantKim,
Thank you for the kind words. I understand what you mean about worrying about him, I think that’s very natural. Consider spending a few minutes just sending him prayers and love at a distance. Such as “Wherever you are and whatever you need, I hope you find nourishment and peace. May you be well.” Just because talking to him destabilizes your mind and heart, so you put up a boundary (which is great!) doesn’t mean your heart needs to close to him.
It reminds me of monks who detach from the outside world in order to bring peace into their hearts, which serves the world in a way that is needed. Their detachment isn’t a dishonor to the world, but rather a boundary that allows their hearts and minds to open and bloom free from the struggles and strife of a materialistic existence. This is a great help to the world, not isolation from it.
In the same way, keeping the distance between you and him perhaps is the best way to honor his suffering. The more stable and loving you become, the more you become a part of the light of the world. Hopefully, someday that light will reach him… if not from you, perhaps someone who wishes him well just like you.
With warmth,
Matt -
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