Dear SkyWalker18:

I am not a professional anything, not an expert on sexuality and sexual preference (gay, bisexual, etc.). As a non-expert, a non- diploma holder on the matter, it reads to me that you are a heterosexual (straight) man. There is nothing at all that you shared that leads me to think that you are not heterosexual.

It is very unfortunate that you were abused as a child and bullied in school. I wish those things didn’t happen to you. I do hope therapy will help you process these hurtful and scary experiences and that you gain clarity.

I need to be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. Maybe other members will respond to your thread before I am back. If you would like to post again, I will be glad to reply when I am back.

anita

Dear SkyWalker18:

I read your recent post and re-read your original post. You wrote that your thoughts and actions confuse you (“I am truly confused by my own thoughts and actions”). Let’s look at those thoughts and actions and try to understand them better, clear that confusion:

1. As a child younger than nine you were abused by a person who “constantly told me that I was a sissy, called me gay, made me dress in girls clothes… As a child I didn’t know any better”.

2. You were “bullied and ridiculed in school and called ‘gay’ sometimes”, that stopped sometime in middle school.

3. As a teen you liked girls but was shy, feeling inadequate, less than other guys. You “used porn as a sexual outlet”. You were very concerned at the time with your penis size, fearing it was inadequate, less than other guys’ and you watched naked men in videos paying attention to their penis size. It was not a turn on to you (“I don’t find myself attracted to other men… I don’t want to do anything with them sexually, nor do I want to be in a relationship with another male, and the thought  of it turns me off”).

4. After high school, you  “have been in relationships with women, and had sexual experiences with women”.

5. One night, after high school you went out with a family friend who was gay. The two of you were drunk at one point on. He got “extremely drunk” and told you he had a crush on you. You “politely declined his advances”. Next you went back to his place, called an uber and intended to leave. He then pressed his body to yours, groped you. You said No, he persisted and you “got tired of fighting him off”. He performed a sexual act on you ad as a result of that act you had an erection. After that you “left quickly and didn’t speak to him again”

Now, trying to understand these experiences:

#1, like you wrote, “As a child I didn’t know any better”. You had zero responsibility to what happened. Whatever he said to you, whatever he did to you was all about who he was and none about who you were. When he put girl’s clothing on you, it was not because you liked girl clothing but because he did. You were the victim of abuse, that is all you were.

#2 You were a victim of bullying. Sometimes peers called you “gay”. Why did they call you that- it may be that you have delicate facial features or that your voice was more high pitched than others. I don’t know. But what is clear to me from observations of people is that lots of men with delicate facial features and higher pitched voices are heterosexual and lots gay men have rough facial features and deep voices. Teenagers in school, once they have their target, will say anything that sounds offensive, anything that comes to their mind as randomly as a thought occurs.  They don’t consider or research the truth of what they intend to say.

#3: a clear indication (and there cannot be a clearer indication) that you are not gay or bi sexual, that is, that you are not sexually attracted to men. The reason you watched those videos was, as I understand it to be, to find out if and by how much your penis is smaller than other men’s when at rest, I suppose, and when erect.

#4: more evidence that you are heterosexual.

#5: you were drunk, not at the best position, for anyone, to make thoughtful choices. The fact that your body responded favorably to a sexual stimulation by a man is not an indication of being gay. Your body part itself does not know who or what is stimulating it, it does not see, nor does it think (there are sayings on the matter..), it simply, automatically reacts.

Clearly, you didn’t want to hurt his feelings, this is why you declined politely. You are probably not in the habit of asserting yourself, so you resisted but didn’t push him away forcibly because you were tired, drunk and not in the habit of being assertive.

The fact that you are no longer friends with him is yet another indication that you are not gay.

I hope you read my post attentively and that you re-read it. I put much thought in it, trying to view these items objectively, that is, not with the intent to come to any one conclusion.

anita

Hello SkyWalker 18,

It’s so good that you posted here.  My heart breaks for you.

I agree with Anita and StelthInfosec, and also wanted to share my thoughts as I read your initial post.

I, too, read that you are heterosexual.  The experience with your former friend was an assault.  I can see why you question your sexuality, but the things that have happened to you have been perpetrated upon you.  The abuse you suffered – that was also something done to you by another person.

You describe being confused and unsure…I wonder if you have muted your feelings about your abuse, and this has made defining big things in your life like your sexuality harder for you to recognize.

I will write more, but need to head out to work.  Just wanted to share my two cents’ and some support.

Airene

You are welcome, SkyWalker18. I hope to read from you again as you do the work and move forward to a better future, wishing you well.

anita