Dear  Dee:

I  read  your post with much interest. I would like to  understand better, therefore I ask: did your husband ever shown you any empathy, did he ever listen with interest  and concern to you?

Did anyone else, previous counselors, others?

anita

Dear Dee:

You wrote: “I wish I just had one person I  could look to, as a reference point for love and acceptance and compassion, just so I knew that even in my  darkest moments, when  the idea that  I’m  not worthy of life is most compelling, that it  wasn’t  true.”

Having read  your two  posts, your very sensible thinking, profound understanding of people (for example, your understanding  of your husband as a fixer was  enlightening to me, leading me to understand something better than I did  before), the calmness in your writing, leads me to think that someone is contributing something very  good to your life,  someone other than you, that is.

You wrote: “I’m successful  in business, I look good, I’m intelligent”- aren’t these things said to you by your husband, other people in your life?   If so, these things they say to you  are very helpful to you, encouraging, motivating you to keep at  it,  keep being  successful, keep putting that intelligence  into good use, keep taking care  of your physical appearance. These things make you feel good about yourself, don’t they?

You wrote: “everybody I know seems to treat me like  their own personal life coach. They come to  me  with their fitness problems, their business questions… and t hey say (in effect) ‘… aren’t  you great, aren’t you cleaver, you’re so on top of everything'” – people are communicating to  you that you are  indeed very capable, in  so many areas. This communication helps your confidence in yourself and  promotes  your present and future success in all these  areas.

On the  other hand, your experience  in counseling is that it temporarily helps but then the experience becomes “a bottomless pit…just going around  in circles”- meaning long term it doesn’t help.

I suppose what you need is to sometimes talk about your sadness and despair, a bit, here and there?

I wonder if when you shared in the past,  with your husband, with friends you have  helped,  if you went on and on about your sadness and despair and if so, if they noticed that going on and on is not helpful to you. What do  you think?

anita

Dear  Dee:

You are welcome. I think your capable part is as authentic as your “darker more fragile” part oy you. Both are you and lots more. If there is no one in your life that allows you to express the darker more fragile part at all, that is, if you don’t have opportunities to express this part to others, in moderation and responsibly (that is in ways that people can handle, without threats of violence, for example), then it is not a good thing.

You are welcome to express any part of you right here, if it helps (if you try and find it helpful). I will read attentively and respond to you every time I am on the computer (has been daily for a few years now).

anita

Hi Dee,

I am so sorry you feel alone and like you have no one to relate to. I understand that feeling and its especially alienating when you have a dysfunctional family. Have you ever considered support groups? with the addiction in your family there are lots of support groups for the people affected by it, I think Alanon?. Also there are support groups for suicide survivors with afsp.org. I hope that these can be helpful for you. Feeling understood by people who have been through similar situations as you is incredibly healing.