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Slipping back to old feelings of anger

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  • February 10, 2014 at 5:19 pm #50712
    chermich
    Participant

    It has been 4 months since I broke off contact with my ex. The events leading me to do that was her hot-and-coldness when she went overseas to study, and I was getting tired of that emotional toying even before she left. When she went quiet for a week and sent me a cold email, I decided to not respond and just back off from the situation that was hurting me.

    The last few months have been a period of growth, with reading up and trying to practise meditation, writing a gratitude journal, spending time with friends who have been supportive and loving. I thought I had reached some level of peace and understanding with the situation, and some level of forgiveness with the person.

    However, I got sick about a week ago and have been instructed to rest for 2 weeks. This time has been challenging. My mind keeps going back to how the person had been emotionally intense, making all this declarations of deep feelings at the start while keeping me in the dark about the other girls she was still attached to (an ex she was still “emotionally connected” to and a good friend of her ex with whom she was talking to almost daily – and the person she eventually moved on to a month after I withdrew). That she made promises that I didn’t ask for and painted a possibility of a future that was never to be. I know she has had a difficult childhood, and that her pattern of forming such quick, intense bonds and ability to let go so quickly show that there are issues that she needs to address too. But these few days I’ve just been feeling angry at her for being so manipulative, for hurting me so, for moving on so quickly with someone she kept saying she had no feelings for. She is really smart and at a top business school in US, in a city that is very gay-friendly. Selfishly, I feel upset that she got the school that she wanted, the girls that she wanted and seems not to be suffering from the consequences of how hurtful she’s been (her ex was also very angry and hurt that she moved on to her best friend, and that they were getting close without her knowing). For the first time in months, this feeling of wanting her to hurt seems to keep returning to my mind.

    Beyond the primary feelings of anger and wanting her to feel the pain, it’s the secondary emotion of being frustrated that I seem to be emotionally regressing after thinking that I’ve worked through these feelings already. I worry that it’ll keep coming back and what had happened will keep haunting me.

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by chermich.
    February 10, 2014 at 7:36 pm #50724
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi Chermich,

    I am again, terribly sorry for how this person treated you. That is SO messed up, so very, very disrespectful. Needless to say, she has a LOT to deal with, a lot of growing up and dealing with her childhood and other issues. The sad thing about people and life is, they spread all their issues around and hurt people who care about them. Thats how it goes, for all of us. But that is also what will make us stronger and enable us to form healthy, nurturing and sustainable connections across our lives.

    Chermich, you know that healing and learning is not a linear path! It never has and never will be 🙂 It will be 2 steps forward, 18 steps back..it it’ll be 2 steps forward, 15 back..before you are moving along faster and forward. Please dont let this get you down because one day, you’ll wake up and realise that you havent thought of her in…days!! Imagine that cause girl, it is coming.

    Im sorry that this person hurt you so much – it is hard when they connect and then move on to someone else. It says a lot about them and their issues; their need for attention and approval; their inability to create and sustain true connections. I definitely think you should take this as something along the lines of “sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck”…I shudder to think how much pain this would have cause if you stayed in the relationship and this happened later (because it definitely would have, this is who she is). Please know that you are progressing and although it will take time, you will get there and you’ll know that you have more than what she could ever get (or ever will!)

    Hugs
    Lily.

    February 11, 2014 at 5:19 am #50752
    pk
    Participant

    I’m going through something like you are, Chermich. In my case, my ex, I’ve discovered, is a narcissist, which is much more insidious than it sounds. I’ve been researching it the last couple of months. They lack the ability to experience emotions, including love. They can’t form a bond with anyone. They lie. Here’s a description, you might want to investigate the personality disorder, too. It was comforting for me to know it wasn’t anything i did or didn’t do, it was “simply” that my ex does not have the capability, to love anybody, can not,have a normal relationship with anyone. No feelings, no conscience…. And the disorder is more prevalent than I ever imagined.

    “Some people diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by unwarranted feelings of self-importance. They have a sense of entitlement and demonstrate grandiosity in their beliefs and behavior. They have a strong need for admiration, but lack feelings of empathy. A definite characteristic of a narcissistic sociopath is a tendency to view others not as fellow human beings, but rather as tools or means to an end. If certain other people are deemed unable to further the narcissistic sociopath’s given agenda, they are normally cast aside. People diagnosed with this type of personality disorder usually do not have boundaries when it comes to manipulating and victimizing others if doing so will lead to their own benefit. This behavior trait can usually make romantic relationships with a narcissistic sociopath particularly destructive emotionally, mentally, and often financially. Many former spouses or partners of these individuals report that recovering from the relationship can take a long time.”

    February 13, 2014 at 1:04 am #50892
    chermich
    Participant

    Thank you Lily and PK for your words. 🙂 They were calming and comforting during a difficult few days.

    Lily, it does feel like more steps backward than forwards sometimes! And it’s a nice reminder that I am growing for this, although it feels stalled or slow sometimes. I’ve been meditating more with forgiveness in mind these few days. Your empathy and words were a good reminder about the healing process, and what matters.

    PK, my friends also suspected she had a personality disorder! She had told me once that power was the most important thing to her, and I’ve seen how true it was in her career and personal life. I couldn’t see it all those months, but now I see more how she wanted control, and would manipulate people out of curiosity to see how they would respond. One of the hurtful thing was how she went out of her way to make it seem like our bond was special, and how she would toy with her words and actions later on that had me confused. It’s something that we have to remind ouselves – it was them, not us. Thank you for sharing the information and perspective.

    Here’s to healing!

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