Hi Emily,

It sounds to me like there needs to be a time out in place where you both can shut everything off, such as “Game of Thrones” television, etc. And just talk to each other. I feel everyone has basic needs and when those needs are not being met, it can lead to build up resentment, sleeping on the couch, not communicating, silent treatment, passive aggressive behavior and it only gets worse. He is certainly not going to want to look at apartments, much less anything else, the way things are right now. Think about it, you barely talk to each other, you fight alot, you sleep on the couch, it’s an unhealthy relationship.

Try to talk to him using “I feel statements” when you are not exhausted after working an 11 hour shift, and he is not distracted. Take him somewhere quiet, no cell phones, computers, friends, television. And just tell him how you feel. Say something like “I feel hurt, dismissed, undated for, etc when I get home from an 11 hour day and you don’t ask me how my day went, and you don’t want to talk to me at all, instead you would rather play “game of thrones” “I need to be listened to, to know you care about me, how my day went”. Before we play computer games, I really miss our talks.

He may be emotionally drained and can’t give anything because he is emotionally drained from all the fighting, sleeping in different rooms, etc. Right now, there is no communication. It is more of a roommate situation, rather than a loving boyfriend/girlfriend situation. If he does not want to talk or gets defensive, you may want to try couples counseling. But right now, until things get better, I would hold off on getting on apartment together.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Emily,

I know how you feel. I experience the same thing with my boyfriend. What we are having is normal. It’s normal to have fights right?But what I learned to make it better or to make things not get worse, is the moment he apologizes to me (even if it’s because of the wrong reason) I will take that opportunity to talk to him calmly and say really how I feel. I always make it to a point that both of us are not mad at the same time. If I was in your exact situation, when he comes out to call me to go back to bed, I will say to him CALMLY (while hugging him), “It’s not about the apartments, I just want us to talk”. That way, he will feel that you are compassionate as well while being disappointed..and hopefully, he will work on your issue. I do this because I’m afraid he might stop coming after you once you get mad and let you sleep on the couch whenever you want if you continue to push him away like that.

Justine