Hi brynro,

By not revisiting the sister trip before committing to the friends’ trip, you unintentionally hurt your sister’s feelings, but the sister trip hadn’t yet materialized into anything at all,  and because the invitation for the friends’ trip was last-minute, you needed to quickly accept or decline it, so I see why you did what you did. We can’t always anticipate how our decisions will affect others. You made a genuine, heartfelt apology which was the right thing to do, and yes, her anger is out of proportion.

B

Hi Brynro

I am guessing your sister lashed out because she was feeling guilty about messing you around in the first place about her birthday wants.  Like Brandy said give her chance to cool down and if her general nature is kind and forgiving hopefully then things may blow over quickly. If she has a habit of cutting her nose to despite her face then things may need to be handled in a different way.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Brynro,</p>
thank you for sharing this complicated and sensitive situation. I am sad to hear she is no longer speaking with you, but perhaps she is doing so in order to cool off and avoid yelling more at you.

I agree that her anger seems disproportionate. In my opinion, since you all are sisters and supposedly know each other practically since birth, these relationships are loaded with histories and memories. It feels to me like this fight really may be about more than the trip. Perhaps this reminds her of a different time she felt hurt, left behind, or excluded? I feel like this event may have triggered an emotional response of an unresolved conflict that happened years ago.

Nevertheless, I believe it is great to communicate as openly as possible, and it seems like you tried to do this over the past few months (although some resentment may have remained due to the mentions that she was not able to understand what you wanted for your birthday). However since she is not responding, no communication can be had. I believe a well-written apology is a step in the right direction, but a long and honest conversation (when she’s ready) can mean a lot too. I don’t think this is really about the last-minute trip, I think the last-minute trip is a metaphor for something else – an overall feeling that you don’t prioritize her, or some other narrative/belief that she holds and is looking to affirm.

I agree that seeing them more often outside of birthdays would help heal the relationship. In my experience, my family’s and ex-lovers’ biggest spats always happened around vulnerable expectation-fueled and regression-fueled events such as birthdays and holidays. It’s always tough! i find it’s easier to resolve feelings and candidly describe expectations when everyone’s sober  and not in “special event mode.”

I hope my bystander observations are helpful. Thanks again and wish the best for you and your family. Please remember your life decisions are yours to make, and we on this forum don’t know your life as well as you do!