Home→Forums→Relationships→Single and jealous
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May 19, 2014 at 10:51 pm #56618LeahParticipant
This isn’t the jealousy you might first be thinking of – I’m talking the kind where I’m jealous of my friends (and maybe even strangers!) who have found happiness in their relationships. I’m jealous because I haven’t. I haven’t had a real relationship, and it seems so easy for everyone else. While I’m working on what’s stopping me, I’m hindered by this feeling towards others. Then of course, I get upset with myself for being negative towards my best friends who are enjoying their relationships. I’m in my mid-twenties, and it’s hard to see past my own situation to feel good about theirs. I usually feel pretty good about being single, but worse when I’m the only single one. How do I start feeling better about my status in a way that let’s me feel better about other people’s? I feel like I have to hide my feelings from friends so I don’t bring them down, and that makes my resentment grow. Why has it always worked out for them and not me? I want to be happy for them, and not bothered by what I don’t have. How do I feel more confident in this, and let go of the jealousy?
May 20, 2014 at 1:32 am #56620GavinParticipantHi Leah.. This is a perennial problem for people isn’t it!? That’s perhaps your key there. Many people feel like this – probably more than you feel there are, and certainly more than you can see on the outside from your “inside”. I’ve struggled with this same feeling you’re troubled with for the longest time, but I’ll let you into a secret about how to break that cycle. Look inwards. Look at the little things you like and enjoy in life, beyond relationships – a nice bite to eat, a good film, book, a visit to a museum.. I know you’ve maybe done some or all these before as acts of distraction and felt it’s not really worked, but have you been truly present in your mind whilst doing “it”, or have you been worrying about the other stuff too much to really experience the moment?
There is a hell of a lot of energy expounded in the world, trying to shape us into being the good little worker ants that we should be – distracted by worries about whether we’re enjoying enough sport, as rich, good looking and/or successful as all the the rich and famous people we ought to be obsessing over. I’m not assuming you’re so similarly compelled by these attributes of life, but this is merely to illustrate the distractions which we have to tolerate, and the mindfulness with which we have to treat such psychological bombardment. I mean it’s genuinely hard enough to cope with the little things that get under our skin and niggle at us without being told we aren’t good enough by the corporate machinations too, yes? So, the solution is to just let it all go.. Don’t worry about what is happening with other people – their lives may not be the bed of roses they appear to be. You know, a surprising number of those people you see about you are probably worrying that they’re in the wrong relationship, not really feeling that which they appear to be, maybe even struggling to find the words to tell their perfect looking other half that they want to call it a day!? Better to not worry about them and focus on the things which make you happy – by that I mean your innate talents. What and who are you? If you could do or be anything (and that’s not limited to pure ambition), what would you become? Chances are there is more than one string to your bow, so try turning your hand to a few of those things, as you feel. I’m creative, so I bounce between writing, drawing, photography and making music. I too am single and wouldn’t “kick love out of bed” so to speak (and nearly 43 to boot!), but when you plunge your soul into the things that make you feel good, trust me when I say that leaves little room in your heart and mind for the brooding resentment which creeps in when you aren’t being mindful. If it does slip into your mind again (and it will) take the time to step back and refocus your reasoning. Focus on your strengths and trust that this will buoy you enough to feel better about life around you. See the smallest beauty in things around you.. All of this will change how you react inside and by virtue of that how you appear to others. Best of luck with things! Let me know how it goes!? *^^*
May 20, 2014 at 3:34 am #56625AnonymousInactiveThere are no fairy-tales- having a relationship doesnt mean your life or their life is perfect. The more you focus on what you dont have and how they are different from you, the worse will be the jealousy. And trust me, having a boyfriend wont be all roses despite what the movies tell you and what your friends seem to tell you. After the first blush of being enamored with eachother, you start seeing eachother for what you really are – flawed but so wonderful. Thats why love is a choice – its not perfect and no relationship is.
Besides, i think its cool that you’re the single one in your group – your perspective would be different from your other friends. You wouldnt have to bother about the coochie-coochikoo nonsense and you’re a free bird with many options to pick 😛 it aint all that bad actually and who knows? you can flirt all you want and not bother.
Tell your female friends wistfully someday that you want to know what its like to be with someone. Let them know you feel scared sometimes..you like being single but you would like to know what it feels to be with someone. there is nothing wrong with telling your close friends. I speak from the point of view of someone who has been in both sides of this boat – none of the situations are easy. There is no perfect situation but be honest about your needs.
Most importantly, ask yourself why you want a relationship – intimacy, experience, what is your reason? i know it isnt much of a solution but trust me, you’ll be alright. What kind of basic qualities do you want in a man?
Some people actually find their sweethearts later – like my present one and i found eachother in the most unexpected way. My last break-up turned me cynical and bitter about love. I felt bad around those gooey couples..Then i met him when i least expected. I didnt have a care in the world as i was convinced i wouldnt fall for this one. Lol – we were best friends for a few months and i dunno, something happened.
He is in his mid-twenties and i am his first relationship. Does that mean something is wrong with him because he got a romantic partner so late? Nope 🙂 Its been almost a year with him and i am happy – not in that silly teenager, head-over-heels way anymore. Oh that phase was for 2 months – now its more of a warm, content love. Experience helps but there are some basic principles – trust, responsibility and commitment which any serious relationship needs. He tells me that i may be his first gf but its special for him. Isnt that what really matters?
What would you want? Quantity or quality? Who knows, maybe your story will be something unexpected and you will find someone incredibly special? Life has a funny way of falling into place. Love is really unpredictable and happens when you least expect it!
May 20, 2014 at 1:57 pm #56655p22ParticipantHi
I agree with Moongal. I have never been in relationships and I just completed my quarter life lol( yeah 25).. It used to bother me before because I always wanted to expereince relationships as everyone around me had someone.But sometimes I feel I am lucky because not everyone in relationship is happy, there are dramas and insecruities and things like that. I feel like now I would never get chance to feel how is to be with someone.. But idkkkDont think you are alone, there are plenty of people who are single and never had anyone.. And I know its hard but I am sure you will get to experience it soon:)
I have amy question too if anyone can help. I met this guy last year, we were friends for sometime as we worked together and I felt something.. I tried taking it somewhere but we drifted and was bit impatient so ended it..Now he is back again and been wanting me back.. I tried keep in touch just as a friend..But he still likes me.. I am not sure how I feel anymore coz its been an year.. He is really nice but I am not sure if I like him like that.. But I am also single and lonely so its so hard to resist him.. Also I think we both have fears and are scared.. I have never been in relationship so I would want a guy to help me with this but idk if he can..
Please advise if I should let him go or try..
May 21, 2014 at 12:07 am #56746AnonymousInactiveWell there’s no harm in trying to get to know him better and then decide if you like him in a romantic way. It takes quite a while to know a person and i think the best relationships start out with a great friendship. What are you afraid of anyway? Whether it works out or not, you will get the chance to have an experience by choice. Tell him you want to try dating and want to spend time with him before you can decide if you are officially his girlfriend.
May 21, 2014 at 7:38 pm #56805p22ParticipantHi
I think my biggest concern is not to hurt him in anyway. My feelings were gone and now idk how i feel… I need to figure my own feelings… Also, I can only wait for sometimes because I feel like I am just stuck and going no where..Well I guess I will give it a chance and tell him how I feel right now
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