Dear Ates:

I re-read your posts this morning trying to understand how as a child who was 1) abused by your mother (“yelling at me, beating me and locking me to the cold and dark bathroom… calling me mean names“, etc.),

2) not protected by your father (“he was seeing it and hearing it but never tried to calm mum down or anything. He was just going to another room and not making any noise“), not protected by anyone in your home,

3) not having social support outside the home  (“I never had any outside social support either. I had friends.. but I never showed any of my own emotions“) –

– had it in her to stand up to her mother, risking further punishment (“I was not silent either, I knew I was gonna be punished more but I was still responding back to my mum“).

I think that the answer may be in these sentences (the boldface addition is mine):  “(She was) Always yelling at me, beating me and locking me to the cold and dark bathroom...I was scared of her at first but it was everyday so I got used to it. Her abuse was everyday, either calling me mean names, yelling about anything she can find, and sometimes beating me.. I hated my home, wanted to leave it every day“- she was consistent in her abuse. She did not switch from being soft and affectionate toward you=> to hard and cruel => back to soft and affectionate and so forth. She was always about the same amount of hard and cruel. You got used to her abuse because you  knew what to expect from. Your father was consistent as well in being “extremely passive” and not protecting you at all. You knew what to expect from him as well.

You wrote: “I am extremely independent.. never ask anyone for help, I only share problems if I already overcome them… I do not remember crying and yelling when I was locked in the bathroom… I didnt want to show my bad emotions to my mum….She was leaving the house after locking me as well… I always hid my emotions, when I was falling down and getting injured I remember I didnt want anyone to think me as weak, therefore was bearing with my pain and saying nah it didnt hurt even a bit.. I always had this not showing emotions mentality“-

– You were scared of her at first (“I was scared of her at first”). At first, when she abused you, you were extremely dependent on her, and you did ask her for help, and you cried, and expressed your emotions in each and every way, but her consistent response to you when you expressed your emotions was such (hard, cruel or silent, as she locked you in the bathroom and left the home) that you stopped depending on her, you stopped asking her for help, you stopped expressing your emotions, and you stopped crying.  So much so, that at nights you pinched your hand so to not cry (“when I was a kid I was looking to the ceiling and pinching my hands very hard, it helps me not cry“).

Not crying and not expressing your emotions became a habit which transcends the context of home to include peers and everyone else outside your home (“I hated/ still hate crying, and would never want to cry in front of anyone. So when I was a kid I was looking to the ceiling and pinching my hands… This became a habit for me though, and it happens when I am under extreme pressure“).

At one point on, you talked back to her, risking further punishment because… you were angry and you were used to her punishments, you knew what to expect. And because by talking back to her, you were building confidence/ pride in yourself for being independent, strong.. for being your own savior.

Another topic: “My only support was my imagination. I was generally daydreaming, always creating adventurous scenarios in my head and playing them. Had my imaginary friends, adventure“- I can very much relate to this and have more to say in another post, after I read- if I will- your response to this post.

anita

Dear Ates:

So, your mother has been consistently cruel, switching from one type of cruel to another, different intensities of cruel over time.

She told you: “you are a bad child, I have a heart of a mother so I forgive you”– my mother told me the same thing, it’s like they went to the same school on how to (not) be mothers. I am now correcting the italicized sentence so to make it true:

You are a good child. I have a cruel heart of a mother, so I am doing what I can today to hurt you!

Since I am into correcting sentences from false to true, here is another which she wrote on a poster and taped in your room: “I am the worst daughter ever, I am selfish, my mum is an angel but I love making mum sad”.

Corrected, imagining you taping  such poster in her room: I am the worst mother ever. I am selfish. My daughter is an angel but I love hurting her!

In regard to my imagination: there were so many stories I made up every morning and then lived the rest of the day developing the stories, seeing them as if on a big movie screen- that I don’t remember much. They were centered around 2 themes: (1) I was a famous dancer, or actress, or a famous scientist… or a world leader,  worshipped by millions, (2) Romantic love stories (they often ended badly though, maybe because I was running out of time and had to sleep).

There was a boy in high school, I had a crush on him and daydreamed about him a lot. One time it happened, at the end of high school: he asked me out to the movies. I was so anxious through the whole evening that I was conscious of every breath I took, afraid that he will hear air coming out of my nose (something I perceived to be unattractive). Sounds crazy? Well, it was, I guess. There was no romance in that one evening/ only date.. I was just too uncomfortable!

anita