Thank you both, just having someone acknowledge the awfulness of it all and someone who knows how alcoholism damages everyone one around it, not just the drinker really helps. I know I have to set boundaries to protect my own life but it’s hard to have the courage Io do that when outwardly not rushing to his side may seem cruel and uncaring and my self esteem is so low I don’t feel i have the right to say no. I’ve given it a lot of thought this evening, while I await an update from my step mother that never comes. I’ve decided that until someone calls me to say he is at deaths door I am not going to upset the balance at home. If things really have gotten as serious as I was led to believe at the weekend why have the hospital not asked for next of kin and my step mother reported no news every day? As hard as it is for me to say this I think they just want to know they have the power to pick me up and put me down when they feel like it. Why on earth you would play this game at a time like this Is beyond me. If I destroy the life I have here there is no guarantee I will have a relationship with them afterwards and it will all have been for nothing. It’s a harsh reality that just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart 🙁

I understand your anger George, it’s grossly unfair the way an addiction destroys relationships and lives for some, but like me, out of all of it you have managed to hold on to your compassion and kindness and even though you feel angry at times you are basically better and stronger person for your experiences. Thank you for taking the time to read my post I wish for all things calm and positive for you in the future, you deserve them 🙂 x

Don’t apologise, I love the verse 🙂
I’ve decided to give myself a couple of days off work, I’m going to relax and get out in the garden for some fresh air and to nurture my plants. I spoke to my doctor last night as I was worried I was headed for catastrophe, he said how I feel is normal given the circumstances and he doesn’t think I need medicine and intervention. It occurred to me that they have a perception of me of a useless, fat overemotional “not quite with it” person but that they perpetuate this, I eat to feel better and I’m sedate in their company to avoid their criticism. They have created the “me” they see, but it exists only for them. Who I am in my own life is the real me and the one I need to take care of. I’m hoping some me time will repair the damage all this stuff has been doing over the last few weeks.

Thank you again for your kind words x

Hi Zelwolf, thank you so much for your post, it helped enormously! I am sorry to hear you have had a similar experience and admire the courage you have shown in deciding to do what is best for you. I am inspired as you seem to have come out the other side and still feel confident that you did the right thing. If you can do it I can too 🙂 I too have heard similar things to you uttered by my Dad, it is completely unacceptable to say something like that to your child and says more about them than it does about us! I wonder if our fathers feel threatened by our good qualities and feel they have to bully them out of us? You seem to have acquired wisdom and strength from your experience which is a positive from the negative. The thought process you suggested about what is worse the “now” or the “then” has really put things into perspective for me. I had come to terms with never seeing my Dad again after the last time he kicked off and apart from feeling sad every now and then I didn’t expect to see him again or really want too. As cowardly as I think it sounds I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to hear the things he and my stepmother say and I don’t want the calm and peace of mind I fought so hard for to be taken away. I’ve spent so many days of my life worrying and being upset over him, it’s time to stop now, it makes no difference to me or to him. I know you will have good days and bad but I hope you are in a good place in your life right now and that you have positive relationships to make up for your experiences. Thank you so much 🙂 xx

Hi Roaroha, thank you for taking the time to read my post, I am truly sorry you have had the experiences you describe, no one deserves to burden another’s pain and anger, particularly not from the person who gave them life. I admire your courage and if you came to me as a friend with your story I would advise you to take care of yourself the way you describe. When you feel guilt or doubt in yourself remind yourself how you advised me in the same situation 🙂 It is hard for us to take our own advice though eh! I understand about narcissistic abuse, I believe my Dad is narcissistic, he seems only to be able to see himself in the world and has no concept of how his behaviour affects me or my brother and sister. He took an overdose when I was a child shortly after his father died, when I did the same after a relationship breakdown he said he did it because he had real problems, that I didn’t have any where near his justification. He also said, whilst drunk that he wished I’d been successful :(. I’ve just had a call from my stepmother to say he has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. We’re not surprised after all the years of smoking and drinking. I don’t know about you but I believe we have a responsibility to the people we love to try to keep ourselves well. Every can of beer or cigarette has taken a little bit of him away from us. My stepmother is strong and she keeps him going, at times she is cold but their relationship works so I know he is not completely alone. I found myself saying to her that I wanted to see him because that is what I think is the right thing to do, but I don’t want to see him. I feel angry with him, which is hard because I am normally compassionate and kind. I turned the conversation around and said it would be better for me to wait until he has a full diagnosis and we know where he will be. My stepmother didn’t encourage me to come and I felt bad as it sounded like excuses. It is a long way away and will cost time, money and emotions that drain the life I’ve built up on my own. I feel like a terrible person and I go over and over in my head the things they probably say about me but I need to put it in perspective . . . My stepmother described this evening how my dad doesn’t think he has the will to fight this, she told him he has too for the people who need him, their close personal friends and their dogs . . . no mention of his daughter or my brother and sister who have both been neglected and abused by him. He closed the door on his children a long time ago, maybe it’s time for me to lock it shut!