This is my first time posting here, and I don’t really know where to begin, but let’s just say I haven’t had a great year. A lot of this might just be me venting, but I need a second set of eyes to analyze my actions because I can’t really think straight anymore.

I am a college student, so around March we were kicked out of dorms and sent home. My boyfriend at the time and I had just had our first “break” a month prior, but things were looking better, so I was hopeful. However once I went home, it became more and more difficult to stay in touch and keep our relationship spark. I began to be bothered by some of the old issues that led to our first break again, and I broke up with him right before summer break.

This was big for me, considering this was my first relationship, I had known him pretty much since the beginning of college, and I really didn’t have any close friends and I wasn’t as close to my family as I used to be. I guess I had one friend, but that friendship was pretty one-sided.

Anyway summer began, and so did my summer job, which I worked on remotely from home. Without my ex to talk to, I lost a sense of normalcy and lost connection to the person I’d grown to since college and problems began to arise. Being back home, I began to be reminded of all the insecurities I used to have, the way I was ostracized throughout high school/middle school, how much of a shit human being I used to be, my family problems, and as someone who used to bury a lot of sadness and anger but became more emotionally aware in college, I began to uncover a lot of past grievances and long overdue anger and sadness. Over the course of two months, I quickly became depressed. I never received an official diagnosis, but I could barely function, couldn’t sleep, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t go anywhere, and I felt so empty that I began turning to alcohol to make myself feel something and to sleep.

I tried therapy twice but quit shortly due to lack of privacy at home and lack of connection to the therapists. I tried talking to that one friend, but she is like talking to a wall, so I couldn’t open up past a certain point, and she seemed annoyed with and judgemental of how emotional I was, so I stopped talking to her as well. Due to past family issues that I couldn’t get out of my head at the time, differences in value, and also since I lost my ability to speak my native language quite a bit since going off to college, it was difficult to talk to my family as well.

My ex was the closest person I had ever had and to lose someone like that in a time like this was painful.

Around two months after our breakup, he messaged me out of the blue one day and we began to talk. He said he was worried about how I was doing (and rightly so). Looking back, I don’t think I was ready to get back together with him at the time as I hadn’t resolved all my anger about our issues, but considering the mental state I was in, I was desperate. We got back together around August.

For the first few weeks, things were going great. Because I was feeling so much better, I was starting to feel more comfortable around my family as well and starting to forgive them for the family issues we used to have. I decided that I would head back to live with him and some other friends for the fall semester.

I was excited for things to be finally somewhat normal again. However, about a week before I was supposed to head back, we had a fight which reminded me of the issues we used to have and I suddenly froze up again. A day before my flight was supposed to leave, I decided against going back, we broke up (again), and decided to stay home.

Despite breaking up, my ex was worried due to how things turned out in the past and decided to keep in contact. He claimed it should be fine because our breakup this time around was more circumstantial and we could have stayed together had it not been for COVID. Honestly, the first several weeks, things were not much different from when we were dating. But again, one thing led to another and we stopped talking. Throughout the fall semester, this happened on and off multiple times. When we weren’t talking, I would become very depressed. I dropped so many of my commitments and classes I became worried about graduating on time.

I don’t really know how to describe my feeling towards him. When we first met, I was a very lost person. My parents never gave me much guidance growing up because my sister was the problem child. My family had a lot of issues ranging from my sister’s mental disorders to my mom’s depression/suicide attempts to my dad’s anger problems. My extended family all lived back in my native country, so they were out of the picture. I also felt ostracized in the town I grew up in since we didn’t look like any of the people who lived there.

When I met my ex, he changed all of that. He was the first person to ever show unconditional love towards me. He was honest and guided me about right and wrong. He heard me and responded to anything and everything I talked about. He made me feel like I wasn’t alone anymore.

But at the same time, it was like he became a load-bearing wall in my life. I used to be so independent, but I didn’t know how to be anymore. I was one of those girlfriends that never left the boyfriend’s side. As an extremely “alpha” person, he also tended to not always listen or take my opinions seriously and overshadowed me a lot. Over time, I lost confidence in myself (even though I was already a not so confident person to begin with) and became overly dependent on him because I didn’t trust myself anymore.

Whenever we did start becoming close again, I felt like I was falling back into these patterns again. But when we stopped talking, I didn’t have anyone to lean on, and due to COVID, I couldn’t just go out to meet new people. I was stuck.

Being at home and being reminded of who I used to be and all of my flaws (old or still existing), I felt stuck.

Around November, we had a few weeks of goodness again. We weren’t officially back together, but we thought, Maybe this could work, and we plus one other friend decided to room together in the spring… But yep, you guessed it. Shortly after, I started having doubts again. We have an odd housing situation since it is a 2 bedroom for the 3 of us, so we couldn’t just find a third person to take over one of our spots. We had agreed on just keeping the living situation as is, and I would take over a part of the living room, and put up a room divider to make my own space.

We had stopped talking after that, but he contacts me out of the blue again a few days ago asking to catch up. He said he is lost and sad since we were basically each other’s best friends and he wanted to catch up so that things would be less awkward and we could try to rebuild a friendship starting February when we all move in. Honestly, I was still angry about a lot of things at the time and I was scared of going down the same path if we became friendly again, so I was very terse and unfriendly in my responses. Seeing my reaction, he became upset (maybe even angry), and he suggested maybe it’s best if he finds other living arrangements for the spring.

Today, he texts me he may have found someone who could take over his room if I am still willing to live in the living room. Seeing this, I am now conflicted because it’s setting in that I may never see him again and this whole thing has officially come to an end. Honestly, I do understand how he feels and I feel the same way. I have never been as close with anyone as I have been with him. He understands me and I can talk about anything with him. I could just settle for him, but we also have our issues, and I have my own issues that I feel I won’t be able to work on with him around. Am I right to go ahead and have this other person take over his lease despite feeling this way? Is it still possible to try to build a friendship?