Benny,

I’m sorry for the suffering and confusion you’re experiencing. It would be terrible for anyone to have a deep love for another and watch the intimacy slipping away, even with the mutual commitmemt to see it remain. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its possible that she’s simply attracted to females, and has to follow a path without you as her romantic love. I know that hurts, but its something that (if true) you will have to grieve and heal. I mean this with deep respect for your suffering, but I know inside you there is a being who wants her to find that joy and contentment even if its not with you.

That being said, its also possible that she simply yearns for the goddess. Said differently, if her energy has been repressed by abuse, neglect or ignorance, she may not see her own beauty, her inner goddess, but still instinctually know its there. This can cause a hunger which pulls her toward very feminine energy, which is usually expressed (obviously) in women. It’ll be something she has to figure out, and it is very necessary that you support her exploration in whatever way you can (even if it means letting her go).

To determine which is which, she’ll have to have the inner freedom it takes to explore what it is she finds alluring in herself, and in women. Which means that you’ll have to use your compassion to temper your own desires for her, and your own desires to be wanted by her. Consider that there is nothing in her to fix, she’s not broken. She has the task of learning what makes her body sing, which is the same task we all face. By deeply rooting your patience and tempering your desire, you’ll be growing an amazing skill which you’ll take forward into each new sexual blossoming… be it with her or another. Remember that sex is about connection, and the more gentle and patient we are with its growing, the stronger it becomes.

Said differently, step back and give her the space she needs, and with or without her you’ll find a much deeper and more fullfilling connection to the goddess, which is what you’ve been missing. Consider rereading your post, looking at how much of your desire and need is present, but hers is not. This is normal, usual, and expected… you’re clearly a deeply loving person with a great heart. But, what does she want from you? What does she need? Are those questions held as critically important in your mind? Enough to endure the grief of letting her go? Enough to set down your own desire to support her’s?

Namaste, brother, may you find temperance and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Benny,

The difficulty is completely understandable, and I admire your heartfelt desire to do whatever you can to see her glow. With both of your hearts looking together for a solution, there are perhaps some practices which might help. They’re fairly graphic for a public forum, so if you would like to know more you can email me and I will do my best to help.

With warmth,
Matt

Then she may very well be bi curious. Fantasy feels real but when it actually happens she may realize it’s not what she thought it would be,…Thoughts and fantasies can be powerful. It also could be that (and sorry to say this) she’s just not sexually attracted to you anymore. Sometimes it just happens with women and it’s not intentional. Everything else in your marriage is great except in the bedroom…sadly this is one reason why one or both couples end up cheating.

Letting your wife go and have an experience with a woman might help or it might make things worse. I feel for you, you’re in a really tough situation either way.