Dear Anita and John,

Anita, It’s taking me too long and I am feeling that I have made no progress still.  What do I do?  I have passed my driving test.  I have tried to set milestones for myself.  Driving test first and relocate to another city next.  I have to do something! I felt that I have to do it to keep myself sane and moving but it is so hard still.

John, Thank you for reaching out to me and touching me with your carefully worded comment.  I have read and re-read it for the past few weeks for comfort but could not yet bring myself to respond as I am still feeling raw from everything that had happened.  Some days I will feel somewhat ok and other days I will suddenly feel an overwhelming feeling of grief.

I am constantly feeling on the verge of an anxiety attack.  But have managed to not try and reach out to him again up until yesterday.  Just a few days ago, I found out that he had been pursuing and have started going out with another girl from his hometown.  They have already known each other since before he started to date me.  I find it hard to believe that they are already at that stage when we have just broken up not long ago.  All I can think of is “Was she his first choice and me just a back up?  Did he use me knowing that he’ll discard me when he goes back to be with her?”  It is starting to feel like he had already paved his way for when he would return to his home country.  She is really really beautiful.  I cannot help but compare myself to her.  He must have found me so much lacking compared to her.  I feel ashamed, worthless and unlovable.  Would wake up crying in the morning thinking about how he is like with her now.  Is he happier and feeling more in love?  Did he see her and think..finally..someone I can truly love?  My sorrow and pain is endless.  It feels like I am spiralling deeper into despair and self loathing.  I had a major breakdown after I found out and finally deleted him from all my social media, which in hindsight, I should have done much much earlier.  But I was still desperately hoping that he would reach out to me still after some time has passed.

Yesterday, after much thought, I decided to write an email to him again.  I thought that maybe if I send a final final email to him, I can finally move on.  I have always tried to be accommodating and understanding.  I feel like a door mat.  I wanted to get everything off my chest.    Telling him that a person who cares for me, even if he does not love me, would have tried to give me time to properly heal, and cared enough to not cause me more pain by showing that he has moved on so quickly. That I am disappointed that I did not trust my instinct that he was not true.  I told him that I wish the pain and agony that I am feeling can be mirrored so he too will feel it and know that my anguish is real.  Wanting him to know everything that he wishes not to know or see.  But I ended with my hope that I can finally let go after this email.  To be at peace with myself.  And that I did not regret knowing him and that I have experienced what love is like with him.  And that eventhough I cannot truly wish him well now, I do not wish him unwell.  I sent it and felt at peace.  I thought that I will finally be able to let go because I have told him what I needed to.  I did not receive a reply from him which I am truly ok with because I realise there is nothing he could say that would make any difference to how I am feeling.  I thought I was doing it for myself.  But today I read what I wrote and was like ..WTH am I thinking?  I should have told him I regretted knowing someone like him.  That he ruined me and he is totally not worth my pain.  I felt that the email was not bitchy enough and I ended up sounding like a doormat again. The email was pointless.  What did it do?  The relief it brought me is so short lived.  And I am starting to look obsessed.  I feel like I am emotionally damaged from all this.  Nothing I say or think makes sense anymore.

Dear Anita,

Psychotherapy?  Really?  I am that bad and it’s not normal to be like this?

But you’re right…talking about timeline it hasnt been a long relationship and yet I am feeling so bad.  But in that short span, I have given him most of my firsts.  I am reserved and do not give myself freely.  Do you understand?  I have tried to cram all my love or feelings into the relationship before he left.  So he can have something to hang on to.  But he didnt.

You have shocked me into thinking clearly for once.  If I can really disengage from him after this eventhough I continue to feel bad, do you still think I have to seek help professionally?