Dear hannahl:

During the three months you were dating, you weren’t happy with him seeing you only twice a week and you felt it was wrong of him to make time during his week to meet with colleagues and other friends instead of meeting with you more often. During the last 2 months, in the context of LDR with him, you weren’t happy with the frequency and length of the contact he made with you, and you feel it is wrong for him to communicate with friends instead of with you.

Reads to me that he is indeed very busy, has been during the 3 months he was present in your life physically and he has been very busy during the last 2 months, working very hard and for long hours.

The fact that he met with colleagues and other friends in person and that he communicates with others online means that he derived pleasure from that, from interacting with other people. It didn’t mean that he didn’t love you or enjoyed being with you. Problem is, as you confronted him again and again, it made his communication with you unpleasant for him. I think this is why he suggested the break.

The two of you read to me like decent people. Problem is, because of the insecurity you mentioned and which is evident in your behavior, you need a boyfriend who is way more available for you, someone who is less friendly, has little interest in communicating with others; a man who works less, perhaps. Do you think you will be more compatible with a man like that?

anita

Dear hannahl:

Be prepared then, that when you talk with him again, next time or the next, that you will fee distressed again, like you did before, and you will, in your mind, question him again- but this next time, instead of expressing your distress to him in the ways you did before- don’t, not if you want this relationship to improve and keep going.

Your interactions with him need to feel pleasant for him. As long as he is loving and decent to you, make the interactions pleasant for him – even when you are distressed. This is key: not every thought you have needs to be voiced, not every distress shared. When he does nothing wrong to you, don’t cause him distress over being a hard working and friendly person, these are not wrongs.

Wish you the best and post anytime.

anita

Dear hannahl:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words (I like “beautiful soul”- makes me smile). Glad you are here and hope you post again anytime you want my input.

anita

Dear hannahl:

Regarding the difference in temperature that he mentioned: him being colder and you, warmer- I think he is referring to the level of neediness, that you needed/ need him more than he needed you, wanting more time from him and more exclusiveness (that he spends less time with others). When one person needs less of another’s time, it doesn’t mean that person is less loving. It may, but not necessarily (there are plenty of needy people who are not loving, and less needy who are loving!)

The fact that he apologized for not being warmer means that he is aware that you are unhappy with his level of neediness vs yours, that he is aware he is not acceptable or satisfactory to you in that regard.

He wrote that he is sorry that he made you sad in the end: two things, first, again, he is aware that he is not acceptable or satisfactory to you, that he affected you negatively, made you sad. Second< “in the end” does indicate an ending of some sort. He may be viewing the present state of the relationship as an ending-

In light of the fact that you sent him a Valentine card two weeks ago and he didn’t send you a Valentine message, the ending he was referring to, reads to me, is the ending of the romantic relationship of the last five months.

Reads to me like he is very well aware that he made you sad, that the relationship didn’t make you happy. He wrote that he was “so sorry and worried”- he has been very aware, emotionally aware, that the relationship made you unhappy, so much so that he believed that him answering this email will make you sad, but he answered anyway.

I am sorry, hannahl: doesn’t look good as far as this being an ongoing loving relationship at this point. If you wrote to him next that, let’s say, you are happy with him etc., I don’t think he will believe you. He already believes otherwise.

And truly, you are not happy with his level of neediness, which brings me back to the compatibility issue.

Not that there is no chance for this relationship in the future, just not much of a chance, as I see it. I too am sorry that you are sad. I wish things were different!

anita

Dear hannahl:

You are experiencing pain, understandably. You became emotionally attached to him. When that happens, when we get emotionally attached to a person, it hurts when that attachment is broken, a heart ripped to pieces. There is nothing you can do to prevent such pain (not for long) because it follows a broken attachment as automatically and as naturally as in any law of nature.

How do you proceed from here? Endure this pain- it will not kill you. It feels bad but you can and will survive it, so much so, that you will love again and you will be happy again.

To prevent unnecessary pain in the future, learning from our present and past experiences, is wise. You can’t prevent the pain once the attachment is already formed, but you can evaluate a future man and a future relationship before forming an attachment, evaluate for compatibility first.

Please do post here as many times as you need-

You will feel better, I have no doubt.

anita

Dear hannahl:

The statistical chances for a LDR surviving are low- it was likely to end regardless of how you acted and what you said. The fact that you knew each other only 3 months before going LDR reduced the chances. When one of the participants in a LDR is outgoing, meets lots of people through work or otherwise, the survival chances are further reduced, by a lot.

I wouldn’t have been able to maintain a LDR myself.

About having him gone from your life forever- think of it this way: the forever from now on is like the forever before you met him. You lived Before you met him and you will live now and onward.

Your pain will ease, with time. This pain is not deadly. Please don’t add to it with regrets- like I wrote, no matter how you behaved, what you said and how you said what you said to him- the statistical chances were very low.

It is the attachment that hurts so much. If you read this soon after I post it, please write more. I am concerned.

anita

Dear hannahl:

I am glad you use your thread to express your emotions. I am also glad you received comfort from your sister and are feeling better. Your last post is not only positive but realistic- you do expect to feel worse again (before feeling better yet again).

He gave up on the total five months relationship not because you are unworthy or unlovable- farthest from the truth. Really, his ending of the relationship has nothing to do with your worth and lovability.

What you are experiencing is natural- you became attached to this man and your attachment is broken, undone. So you will feel better, then worse, then better… and over time the “worse” won’t be as bad and it will be less and less frequent.

And you are welcome. Thank you for your kind words. Please, do post anytime you feel like.

anita