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Should I send this letter to my Ex?

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  • November 18, 2017 at 1:09 am #178571
    Jen
    Participant

    Dear Luong,

    I do not have an answer to whether you should send the letter to your ex as I’m myself going through a relationship crisis and I’m not in the best state to give any sound opinion, however, I feel glad to see that men like you exist. The letter you’ve penned down is beautiful and is making me question the total loss of faith in love that I’d been feeling since a while. I’m sure if your ex does get to read your letter, the intensity and sincerity of your feelings for her will surely reach her.

    Wishing you all the success in your future endeavors.  May the force be with you.

    – Jen

    November 18, 2017 at 4:31 am #178575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear luong:

    She told you: “you’re suffocating me”.

    Problem with the letter you are considering sending her at some point is that you are  continuing to suffocate her (her word):

    “You became the spark that started my journey to personal growth. I may have never taken the risk to start this without your help”- you are placing her as the spark of your current life, being helped by her now, even without her presence in your life. And so, you are letting her know that she is still your spark, still your focus.

    “Our relationship may be over but the love we once shared will be eternal..you will always be my first love and I won’t forget that…I could not forget us…Our memories have since been engraved into my very being…”- you are letting her know that in her absence she is still present in your life, as you still love her, whether she wants that love or not.

    “Let’s grow to be we can be; we owe it to ourselves. We will do great things”- you are letting her know that in your mind, you and she are still a unit, a “we”. Again, whether she wants there to be a we or not.

    You wrote: “Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you and want to reach out to you. I stop myself every time” – this letter is that reaching out to her, wanting to continue the relationship. Better stop yourself.

    Clearly you are still emotionally attached to her, understandably. She meant a lot to you and still does. Unfortunately, the relationship is over, her choice. It really is over. This letter is not congruent with a “journey to personal growth”. Such a journey starts without her.

    My suggestion is to not send this letter.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

     

     

    November 18, 2017 at 12:23 pm #178603
    luong
    Participant

    You are right Anita, I am still very attached to the idea of her.  She was someone that was in my life every day for the last three year so I couldn’t see how it’s taking longer than usual to get over her. After the break up I initiated no contact and it seems like I’m having a hard time following through with it. I don’t know Anita, I tried to hard to be a positive force in her life and did everything I could with her in mind. It just saddened me frankly that she didn’t want me in this new part of her life and I just wished that she would have been able to communicate to me her worries. I’m sure we would have been able to work things out or at least have a falling out that wasn’t this abrupt and painful. Regardless I do know that we can never be in a relationship again.  I do wish her happiness in life and hope that I can begin to move forward with time. Even after two months, I do find myself breaking down from time to time but it is getting better every day.  It is so hard to move on from someone you selflessly threw yourself into and being told that is what created the feeling of suffocation. I can understand why and truthfully I will not try not to be so intense in my next relationship.  The redound into relationship dynamic that we had was never going to work out; I was always going to feel like I had the short end of everything regardless of how hard I tried. Perhaps it will be different in my next relationship in that the other person will chase me as well. my former relationship was still good in the sense that we enjoyed a lot of adventures and experiences together. I grew a lot for her but ultimately was most beneficial for me in the end. I am going to give up my former relationship to the universe so that I can begin to heal. In due time I do hope that she’s not the first thing I think of as I wake, that I can begin to open myself up to new experiences with other people as well. The relationship is over and it would be wise to remember that. I have been good with the no contact aspect of our break up and allowing her time and space to heal. Sorry if my thoughts are all jumbled up Anita, I have not been able to sleep well for some time now and find that its slowly wearing me down.

    November 19, 2017 at 4:13 am #178621
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear luong:

    I hope you sleep better and soon. Your thoughts do not appear “all jumbled up” though. You make sense to me.

    And I agree, better not “selflessly threw yourself into” a relationship because we… can’t do anything selflessly for a long time and be healthy at the same time. Better look for our self interest in a relationship, make it a Win-Win relationship: win for you and win for her. If it is not a Win for you, it will fail.

    You wrote: “I was always going to feel like I had the short end of everything regardless of how hard I tried.”-

    Having the “short end of everything” means it was not a Win for you, but a Lose. You got some good times but overall, you lost.

    You have to take care of yourself, to attend to your needs and see them as being as important as any other’s. This attitude and practice will lead you to a loving, healthy relationship where there is no suffocation, no chasing, no self denial.

    anita

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