Should I Reply To My Ex?

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by Ela.

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December 21, 2015 at 6:28 pm #90196

Ilana
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My ex and I dated for 6 months (Not relatively long, but we’re only 17) At first things were good but he began to show me his true side further into the relationship and eventually became controlling and hurtful. His paranoia and jealousy problems would cause him to treat me badly yet I would always believe him when he said he would change. We eventually broke up, and we were on and off for two months. He kept saying he wanted me back and would be nicer, and every time I fell for this and he would fall back into treating me the same way as before. About 3 weeks ago I told him once and for all that I no longer had feelings for him, which was not exactly true but I was just trying to get out of the situation because it was making me unhappy and hurt. Suddenly, after weeks of not leaving me alone he suddenly stopped contacting me. Then around the same time this happened I started seeing him at school constantly with another girl, which makes me believe that he was simply not leaving me alone because he was using me as a spacefiller until he found someone else. We didn’t talk at all for about three weeks (Which is a lot given we have 6 classes together at school) and this gave me a lot of time to get him off my mind and take steps towards moving on. Out of the blue last night he texted me saying hey, which I did not reply to. Since then he has sent me 4 more messages, saying that he misses me. Now I am in a conflicting situation because although I still havent completely let go and I WANT to text him back, I know that our relationship was unhealthy and he treated me poorly. And at the same time I can’t help feeling sorry for him and I feel bad for not replying. But I know if I reply and we start talking again, he will go back to treating me terribly and being mean to me. Also Im trying to remind myself that he stopped talking to me a few weeks ago when another girl came around. Am I doing the right thing in this situation? What would you do?

December 21, 2015 at 6:53 pm #90202

Anonymous
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Dear llana:

I would do my best to practice being a STRONG young woman and text him only to say something like: our relationship is done and over. Wishing you the best and Merry Christmas, Happy New Year to you and your loved ones.” And that is all, no more texts, no phone calls. When you see him in class, smile if you would like but do not be alone with him because I sense that you will feel too weak, if alone with him, or if on the phone with him, to make it short and control where such conversation will go. So one text, that is all. And then listen to good music or take a hot bath and take good care of yourself.

anita

December 22, 2015 at 5:37 am #90258
sofiapofia
Participant
I’ve visited these forums and the website pretty much everyday since my breakup a year ago, and I actually made an account just to respond to your question. Anita is 100% right: please don’t bother responding. I am older than you (25) and was with a guy for nearly three years who just like your ex was paranoid and jealous and treated me horribly, but I didn’t know what love was and thought I should tolerate everything because love is unconditional blah blah. I’ve learnt my lesson, and what I would like you to know is this: you are incredibly mature and strong and I want you to remain that way. I wasn’t during my relationship, but something — possibly my self-esteem that I buried deep down inside somewhere to deal with my ex’s idiocy — kicked in, and I completely cut him out after he broke up with me. Right before my final exams, mind you. I was a wreck, but no one other than family and close friends knew. And he sent emails, he said he wanted to be friends, he said he missed me, he said no other girl would be the same and he would never find anyone like me, he sent me texts with inside jokes; but, I stayed strong — and I am SO grateful now. It’s been over a year, and I am incredibly proud of myself because I avoided him and didn’t pander to his needs at the expense of my sanity and health. Not unlike you, I was worried that not replying might hurt his feelings, but whenever I thought like this I sat and wrote down in bullet points everything nasty he had done to me (sexting other girls, calling me terrible names, etc. ), how much he had hurt my feelings during the entirety of our relationship, undermined me, — and guess what? Any feelings of worrying about his feelings vanished entirely.

Like Anita said, if you must reply, send what she’s written and then throw your phone aside and live your amazing life. You are incredibly strong, and as I mentioned earlier, your post resonated so strongly with me because of the similarity of the situation, and I would like you to know that you will be happy you put yourself first here by recognising that it is not worth opening old chapters, especially if they have caused you pain in the past.

Two quotes by Rumi that really helped me during my breakup:

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

“Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!
Why do you stay in prison
When the door is so wide open?”

Stay strong, and have a lovely Christmas! 🙂
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by sofiapofia.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by sofiapofia. Reason: formatting errors
December 29, 2015 at 7:34 am #90844

Ela
Participant

Hey, Ilana
I know it may be a little late, but i want to tell you from my own experience that when you see he treats you badly, just run and don’t look back no matter what. cut the contact with him, block his contact, whatever it makes you move on, because if you don’t, the pain will just grow and it’s for your own good to stop everything with him. even though you may feel bad, this is because YOU are a serious girl and have a good soul, not because he deserves it. the best choice you made was when you broke up with him at the right moment. keep going that way and don’t look back, especially if you started to move on. just a few more steps and you can make it.
keep being strong!
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