Dear Susan:

You already thought of all the possibilities for his withdrawal, one of which I was thinking, that it became very real, once the visa was granted and all was in motion to be happening very soon.

My thoughts: there is your controlling behaviors, your suspicions etc. which would be a problem in any relationship and then there are his problems, of which I know less. Because, for one, he did not post here.

Let me see if I am understanding this: he was consistent the whole 2.5 years with his assertions that he loves you and once marriage/ life together was brought up, he was consistent about it until last November? He did not express doubts or misgivings before November 2015? Was Nov the first time?

I will wait for your answer on this one because it is too important for my understanding before I can think further.

anita

Dear Susan:

He was consistent in assuring you he loved you but there were times of almost break ups, where he did tell you that he was feeling suffocated by your ongoing accusations. And at times he was distant. Yet the relationship survived and he repeatedly told you he loved you. He helped you, with his assertions of love, to reach the finish line, the one right before entering marriage, his hand reached out to you as you arrived, and then he took his hand away and walked away. Right there at the finish line.

I am trying to guess as to possible whys, an intellectual exercise on my part. Was he motivated to fix you and then tired and came to his senses, figuring he failed and you will continue to be suspicious of him… not paying attention until the two of you reached the finish line? Or is he invested in the role, first of the Good Son, to his parents when he was a child, maybe still, always reaching out to them and continued that role with you…?

I can only guess. Is there a use in doing that? Are you still trying to understand? You have more information, pieces of a puzzle. There might be some use in it and we can examine possibilities further if you’d like, so take it from here.

Should you move on? Or hold on to hope with him?

Question: the money it cost to arrive at the finish line, the money it cost to prepare for a wedding, who paid that? Are there financial business yet to be resolved? There might be a clue there. Waiting for your reply.

anita

Dear Susan:

Your motivation in figuring this out makes sense to me. There is the pain of his sudden reversal on his past consistent assertions- this must be a strong blow to you.

If you ask him by email so that he can answer you when he is calm, take his time so he is not pressured, this is fair for you to ask why. And you deserve an answer. You definitely, no doubt, deserve an answer.

You spent money, but as you stated, more importantly, you invested your emotions and time and you do deserve an answer.

If you carefully word your request (send it here if you want my input as to the fairness of it, it being none accusatory) AND he does not answer you, that means he is … not the man you thought he was. It also would mean that your suspicions of him were not unfounded. Not necessarily that he cheated on you, but that he is … not the decent man you thought he was.

If he does answer you, this is a different story. Then you have something to examine, to evaluate. Then there is information to study, to figure out its honesty.

Regardless of your imperfections in this relationship, you deserve an answer. You can’t legally make him answer (maybe you can, actually, there is a possible legal suit for breaking a financial agreement as the two of you have made)- but no doubt you have the moral, ethical RIGHT for an answer.

Somehow ask for what you deserve, the answer. Express to him, in a kind and gentle way, that you do have the right to know and tell him why you need to know and why you deserve it (your investments)- and send it to him.

Then wait for an answer.

If you would like, you can post here the email you intend to send him. Being emotional, you being so close to your case, you may benefit from an objective opinion and suggestions as to the email. And if you would like, post any time while you wait for the reply so to get my support here, maybe others’ support as well. And when you get a reply, if you do, you can send any part of it here so to get my input, again, as an objective party.

As strange as it may sound, here, on this thread, you don’t have to be alone with this.

What do you think?

anita

anita

Good Morning Susan,

I wanted to start by saying this: you’re not crazy. Your feelings are warranted and very real to you. These are not feelings of a crazy person! These are feelings of someone who is hurt and wants answers.

I read the whole chain, the comments between you and Anita, and I also found myself wondering if there must be something else going on his life. Some other type of crisis he needs to figure out on his own. It doesnt sound like he has only shut down from you, but has also shut down from family and friends. Clearly the breakup is painful for him, but I think there is something else there. Something else he is trying to understand about himself. I would bet anything that he is not entirely sure why he broke up either. He fought for a long time, and I think something must have made him crash. Something in his own life back home. Something you had control over.

I know this next piece of advice is significantly easier said than done, but here are my two cents. I think you need to decide for yourself that this is over. Stop holding out hope that it may work out because he’s not communicating and you will simply be left miserable with a mind swimming of unanswered questions. It may be easier to move forward in life if you make the choice for yourself. It’s possible he will come back later in life with answers, as so many in difficult situations do, but the only way that can happen is with a complete break. In my experience, the tighter you try to hold on to someone who is suffering, the more they push away. I want to give you an example of my own life.

I once dated someone who I was madly in love with. We were so compatible and everything seemed wonderful, but all of a sudden one day he changed. He became distant and accusatory. I had no idea what had changed in his life, and he was too proud to admit it to me. All I knew is that he was treating me differently, out of the blue, for reasons I could not understand. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, he accused me of cheating on him, and shortly after broke up with me. He then told me he was too depressed about circumstances in his own life to bring pleasure to another person. I was heart-broken, upset, and could not understand why he wouldnt let me work through this with him. So, I left him alone. After some time he came back and asked for a second chance.

My point here is not that he came back, but that the break happened over something that was not in my control. The point is, sometimes you just have to let people figure it out. Yes, he told you a piece of it was your controlling nature, but this had been happening since the beginning, and he decided it bothered him at a very strange time: right as things were about to finally move forward. My hypothesis is that there is some kind of commitment issue there. Some fear of the relationship becoming a huge scary reality.

I hope this helps. I know how hard these things can be and I’m rooting for you 🙂

Dear Susan:

I do not believe anyone can tell the future. Problem is the reason you are looking for someone to tell you what will be, what could be and what is going on, looking for signs is that he will not talk. He does not want to talk to you or, from what you wrote, to other people in his life about the breakup.

What you need is information but the one holding the information is him. You can look for that information in your own head, in others’ (in)ability to tell you what is and what will be, but you will not find the information you need anywhere else but where it is, in his mind.

Where to go from here? Go- move on, I suppose. I mean, where else do you go? More psychics, future tellers, more guessing on your part?

I don’t know what is on his mind. If he ever talks, please let me know what he said. I am curious too! But he owns his mouth and he chooses to keep it closed. You have no power over that choice of his.

Post again…

anita

Dear Susan:

You are welcome. Thank you for this update and please do update us again. Like you wrote, moving on is your best choice!

anita

Also google Buddah teachings on Un-Attachment will help heal emotional pain & bring happiness again