I come from a poor background, and I’m still pretty young but for the past couple years the questions “Who am I, and what do I want?” have plagued me because I’m not even sure I can answer them. I came out of a dark place and I was betrayed by the person I loved the most and would have done anything for, and because of that I think I gave up on love. I began to believe that anyone could hurt me at any time, so I shouldn’t be too attached to people. But that’s only the beginning. I began performing better at work but I feel like I lost a part of my soul. I found myself being manipulative and doing the right things for the wrong reasons. I don’t believe in an afterlife and the fear of death drove me to do great things.

That all changed a few months ago. I had decided a while back that I wanted to be a politician and change the world, and I knew I should start by going to church, because where I live an atheist is very unlikely to get elected. A coworker offered to take me to church with her and her husband and kids, and I obliged, believing that this life of facades and scheming was right for me; That only masters of deception truly made a mark on the world.

I was wrong. Or at least, I think I was. As I went to church, I grew close to this family, and I can honestly say they were the first people I truly cared about since I was hurt. I felt horrible for lying to them, and I told my coworker that I was still an atheist but I wanted to keep going to church to at least be a part of their lives, a part of the church, and to not forget that there are good people everywhere. She and her family were still happy to take me there and I am even closer to them now. I feel like I did the right thing, and I am happier, but I can’t help but feel like I replaced one problem with another.

I have slowly become more caring, but I’ve noticed that as I let go of the hate, I lose some drive as well. I still want to make an impact somehow, and I believe that kindness is the best way to do it because history is full of prideful men and conquerors. If I model myself after the likes of Napoleon and Alexander, I may make some difference if I’m lucky, but at the cost of happiness and love. In the same vein, if I try only to be happy, I lose my drive to get in better shape and lead a successful life.

I just can’t find a balance between being a good, kind person (which is something I want) with being driven and successful (also something I want). I feel like I’m living a paradox but I can’t let go of either side because it all makes up who I am. I can’t see myself as wise and loving but also ambitious, because that seems hypocritical. I know I can be ambitious and successful without being a bad person, but when I succeed (get a promotion, go on a date, obtain power of any sort) pride creeps in, and I lose my compassion.