Dear sandstorm:

If you proceed with this young woman, I suggest you proceed differently than you did with young women before her. Make the process of getting to know her, and of her getting to know you a different process than before. This time don’t “end up” as best man, “cursed” by the best man syndrome, as you called it.

You want to get married, you want a serious relationship: ask her questions (not in an interrogative way) about her intents, her dreams, her hopes, her goals. Get to know her before you get emotionally invested.

Because you tend to get attached quickly, it is important that you get to know her in as much a neutral way as possible, getting to know her as a person before you get to know her as a girlfriend. Interview her, gently, attentively as a person, for the possible position of girlfriend and future wife.

No guessing and “going with the flow” on this one, no magic and mystery. Simply ask questions, listen attentively, study her. This will be a good exercise for you. A different way of operating on your part is likely to bring different results. Same way of operating, similar results.

anita

Dear sandstorm:

You are welcome, “super duper confused” sandstorm.

In your original post you wrote that she wants to take it slow, get to know you better in a context of a group. This is excellent. I like it. Good for you so that you do have the time to get to know her.

The most important thing for you, I believe, is to make this a good experience for you. If I was you, I would tell her that you are interested in getting to know her better, and that you like her too. To protect yourself and to maximize the chances that this experience will not harm you and instead will be a good experience for you, you should take it slow.

Prepare your attitude for the long run on this one, no rush and lots of patience. Don’t dive into this with your head first- there may not be enough water in the pool and that will be messy.

If you do tell her you are interested, you can use this thread to post every time you are distressed, impatient, worried, etc. and we can communicate back and forth so that in the (hopefully) growing relationship, you will function well.

If I was you, i would have no expectations of a future. A hope, yes, but no expectations and no desperation. Let it be. Use this as a learning experience.

You wrote in your original post that other women chose other men over you, men who were financially secure. When you get to know this woman, you can learn about her feelings about financial security, not right away but over time. And not by asking her directly but by listening to her thoughts over time.

Again, use this thread, if you’d like, as you go for it- slowly.

anita

Dear sandstorm,

Maybe this post of mine will be more like ‘wishing you good luck’ and sending positive energy than giving a real advice. Cause I am kind like you when it comes to falling to quickly and suffering too deep when it comes to love, and trying to protect myself (from myself) most of my life 🙂 I have spent a lot of time exploring the psychology of relationships, analyzing, trying to help myself… I can say for sure that as much as you try to play it smart in love, 50% is just pure luck 🙂 Cause we all see smart people failing to choose the right partner, and other people just have it all, just like that without even trying. So I hope my positive energy will get to you.

Also other thing occurred to me… Ask yourself what is it that you seek in a partner? And what was your longest relationship ? Cause in my case, being too ‘dreamy’, and sensitive, I think I was always in love in someone… anyone out there who could fill in already good pre-prepared place. Place that should be source to romance, be my sanctuary from the world and my own demons. I put a lot of wrong people there… But I found a great guy 8 years ago… I was 23, he was 27. We are still together 🙂 I also fell for him without thinking too much, and I can just say that i was so lucky. But….

Even if you find that special ‘one’, things change over time, people change… after 7-8 years the romance will definitively not be the same, you won’t be the same. You’ll face real life problems and your other half can not always be there, every second, to fight your insecurities, demons. The problems will await one way or another 🙂 What I am trying to say is.. maybe we get hurt cause we are ‘romancing’ too much, expecting too much, coloring the imperfections with pink, just to convince ourselves that we have that love, like in the movies, and that is the purpose of our life? Maybe you need to get to know the other person first well… but before that you also need to get to know yourself bit better. Lower the expectations, always find some time to feel comfortable with yourself first. We can’t find the cure in romance all the time 🙂

And another thing.. maybe I am wrong with this (talking just from my experience), but I think that people like us (the dreamy,sensitive, romantic type 🙂 )… we should seek a partner who is more down to Earth, and can ‘balance’ us when we loose the ground. Someone who will inspire us to become more stable, emotionally and financially. I failed with people who were too much like me when it comes to their emotional ‘wiring’. We’d always end up in this dramatic, destructive cycle, expecting too much from each other and failing, cause we couldn’t help ourselves in first place. My current partner maybe fails to understand my sensitive nature sometimes cause he is ‘not in the clouds’ like me all the time, but he always has the ‘coolness’ to respect it. And to pick me up when I fall instead of syn-chronically freak out with me everytime I do 🙂 It can be really helpful in the long run.

Dear Sandstorm:

In your original post on this thread you wrote: “last year i had one brutal breakup and it had strong emotional toll on me . i went to shock , lost weight, PTSD did medication and whole lot of counseling .so i decided to take break from this atleast for two year or so … I should take break since i cannot handle it if doesn’t work.”

Reading your last post, two weeks after the original, it seems to me that you are desperate to lock this not-yet-a-relationship into a safe, secure, forever relationship. I don’t think you have the patience at this time to get to know her, to let emotions develop over time. You are too scared.

So either you proceed with this while attending counseling where a competent counselor/ therapist will help you in this relationship as it is ongoing or end it here with her, tell her you are not ready to get to know her, close that door on this potential relationship for now, and avoid a romantic like relationship with anyone for a couple of years just like in your original plan.

anita

Sandstorm,

Brother, in some way when I am giving advice to you, I sort of giving advice to myself. As I told you, my personality and past was similar to you.

I fully understand that feeling ( excitement) when some nice girl is approaching you. Its very natural. In my case, I actually asked someone to have a coffee with me, I could see the same excitement as yours. However, this time I am seeing it ( my feelings) rather than identifying with them and letting them go. This is what we all need to practice.

Here’s a very important thing to understand. There’s nothing wrong with seeking love in life. However, thinking that if you find love, you will be happy is fallacy. If you start believing this you will be able to slow down and see its your emotions that are tricking you again. You will feel less anxious and sad if things didn’t go the way you want them to go.

Remember, things will change with time.
Brav3