Hi everyone!

So a little over a week ago my ex and I broke up. I didn’t want to breakup but he did which made this all the more heartbreaking. We had been together for over a year and had had an incredible relationship. He was hands down the most compatible guy I had ever met and we were so genuinely happy going on adventures and always laughing together. One thing we had that I hadn’t had before in a relationship was our friendship. We were not only lovers but also each other’s best friends.

About six months into our relationship, I left to go live in France for six months to teach English. He decided that he did not want to breakup and wanted to make this long distance relationship work because he believed in us and had “never felt a love for someone like this.” We survived the long distance relationship. Was it easy? No. But we never had issues with each other and he even came to visit me for two weeks. Even in those two weeks we were reunited, the love was still there and strong. Well… the world changed recently, aka Coronavirus. I had to come home a little early and basically felt like I had nothing suddenly. I had no job, I had to go and live back with my parents again and I hadn’t been in close contact with a lot of my friends while I was away. In general, I felt like I had completely lost my independence and was losing my identity. My boyfriend felt like he was kinda my world at this time. He was the only really stable thing I felt like I had and I put a lot of pressure on the relationship to be great and visited him every weekend since he lived a hour away. I don’t think this is necessarily how you should work back into a relationship after you’ve been long distance, it probably should have been a little slower to build back up own normal relationship and I definitely shouldn’t have had so much pressure on him during all of these crazy times with the virus.

The first month I was back everything was actually kind of going okay, but as I fell into this depression and self pity due to losing my identity, we struggled. We got annoyed with each other more and there was a loss of intimacy or really just effort into the relationship. We still saw each other and would do things together as a couple, even laughed a lot. But there was no doubt that there was some trouble.

One day he sprung upon me that he was unhappy in the relationship and felt like while he loved me, he wasn’t in love with me. Me, being terrified of losing the one thing I felt I still had and my true love for this man, jumped up and said “oh I am so sorry, it’s all me I haven’t been fair to you and I will try to be happier.” At that point he decided yes he wanted to try and work things out. But the thing is…we didn’t really communicate more about what was going on. Anyways, we continued to try for two weeks. The first week and a half, everything was great. We were working together as a couple again and felt like things were starting to get back on track.

Then I come down for the second weekend since we had had an almost breakup. At first things were great, he was talking our future and how cool it could be, but I could also feel us slipping away again. I was nervous and acting insecure because I kept thinking I might be losing him and he was just not emotionally doing well because of the changes he’s had to go through because of coronavirus (ie. It was his last year of college and he was supposed to be graduating and celebrating with friends). Finally, at one point he said “I don’t think I can do this. I don’t feel like the spark is there and I am not sure we can get it back.” And again says “I have a lot of love for you but I am not in love with you.” This was so hard for me to hear but I accepted it. I didn’t want him to hurt or feel confused anymore so I said “Thank you for being honest. I struggle because I feel like I haven’t been myself and we just needed some time to figure all of this out.” He still didn’t say much, just that he thought this was the best relationship he had ever had and that it was extremely hard for him. What continued was a lot of crying and hugging. When I left I told him that I still cared about him and just wanted him to be happy.

It hurts to write all of this but I am now stuck in a big limbo. I feel so confused. I genuinely think we were just going through a really hard time and could have worked this out. I continuously debate with myself whether I should contact him or not and ask to talk or if I should just let him go and see what happens. The breakup so far has given me a lot of perspective on how I need to work on myself and focus on me, but that doesn’t change how I feel losing someone who I thought was my person. I miss having this person to enjoy life with. I have gone through multiple breakups before but none of them never felt like I was losing someone who I felt truly belonged with me.

Anyways I want to give him space but also he is leaving for LA in two months. I was planning before on maybe going out there too so we could be in the same city and living with a friend. So the pressure is on. Do I wait it out and see if he messages, or do I message him and try to get things back on track before he moves away and leaves for good.

If you have read all of this, thank you so much for sticking through all of it. It’s a bit of a rant but very therapeutic doing so as well. If you have any opinions I would truly love to hear them 🙂