Dear Poppyxo:

Welcome back. In your last May post you shared about the very beginning of this relationship, how exciting, that it is still going on.

Regarding how to communicate to him that his negative attitude is affecting you negatively without discouraging him from expressing himself: tell him just that, that it is important for you that the two of you continue to express yourselves honestly and openly. And that when one is repeating the same distress to  the other, with no resolution of the distress, not inviting the other’s help other than a sounding board, that it is not fair to the sounding board.

It is about expressing oneself honestly, authentically and responsibly. The responsibility part is when either one of you is sharing a particular distress repeatedly and there is no possibility, in the mind of the one doing the sharing, of helpful input by the one listening, then the one sharing should stop sharing.

You can think of a time when you repeatedly shared something distressing with him, with no resolution possible in mind, and let him know of that time (if it exists), letting him know he is not the only one needing to share responsibly.

anita

Dear Poppy:

I understand. As you evaluate a man for the purpose of a lifetime with him, especially if you intend to bring children into the world with him, you should notice the things you are noticing and figure if he will be a satisfactory life partner to you (and father to your children).

Maybe you are less afraid than he is. More scared, he is sort of stuck. How is his anxiety otherwise?

anita

Dear Poppy:

Yes, telling him to “man up” will be harsh because boys and men do not feel fear any less than girls and women. They hurt just like women do. No biology I know of that supports this social convention of manning up (other than literally one’s muscle capacity, and even this is not always the case).

You wrote that his parents are “very defensive & argumentative”- I suppose they don’t listen to him either, just like the people at his job. And they reel him in- that is not helpful, is it? Still damaging him perhaps?

anita

Dear Poppy:

That is too bad. He had the courage, at work, to air his concerns, that is admirable. I wonder if he did so assertively though. No wonder he is stuck at work, just like he is at home, it is “their workplace, their rules”- his parents are still teaching him submission when what he needs is to be assertive. You definitely witnessed enough to have an understanding of him, of why and how. As you communicate with him, have empathy for him, understand he has been trained to be afraid to assert himself. (Telling him to “man up” would be indeed so unfair, as he was taught, trained to be a submissive boy)

And if you break up with him because it will be for your benefit to do so, please do it kindly. I hope you post again (soon will be away from the computer for 17 hours or  so).

anita

Dear Poppy:

You being a safe place for him is a wonderful thing, as safety in a relationship is unfortunately uncommon. A lot of healing can be done in the context of a safe relationship and the one with you may be the place for him to heal.

Glad you had a good conversation with him. With good communication, which seems like the two of you have much of the time, this can be the win-win relationship it should be, one that will benefit you and him.

anita

You are welcome, Poppy. Anytime.

anita