Dear Matt:

I just noticed your thread. I will read and reply to you in about 10 hours from now.

anita

Dear Matt:

“I said I loved her, she said she loved me… We managed to share some amazing sexting sessions and intimate photos”, “One day, after a few months following this long-distance dynamic, we had a conversation about ‘the future’.. I was like an open book to her regarding my feelings and how I actually saw her as part of my life for the long run“-

– It is my understanding that because of the I-love-you-s, the virtual sex, and the talk about the future and the-long-run, in her mind, the relationship crossed from the first level to the second.

“She laid some ground rules to be fulfilled before taking our ‘virtual’ relationship to the next level“- I think that she laid ground rules not for a future time when the relationship goes to the next level, the 2nd. I think that in her mind and heart the relationship was already in the 2nd level.

“I understood them, accepted them and, in my mind, put them as non-negotiable for the time being, until we were able to actually spend more time together in the ‘real’ world’“- you postponed the 2nd level, in your mind, to a later time, but in her mind, she was already in the 2nd level.

“Only to have her a few weeks later mentioning how she wanted to take the next step even though her initial conditions weren’t yet achieved“- I am repeating myself, I know, but yet again: when she told you that she wanted to take the relationship to the next level (that which I refer to as the 2nd level), she was already in that level for a few weeks prior.

“She took that as if I was getting cold feet on us and got heavily scared; she freaked out.. From that moment onward, our relationship started to cool off. She became distant and stopped being that loving woman I thought I had found. A hot-and-cold dynamic started to appear“- the two of you were together in the 1st level of the relationship and it was lovely and amazing. Next, she moved to the 2nd level by herself and you lagged behind in the 1st. You were alone in the 1st level and she was alone in the 2nd level. Neither one of you aware of this level-separation.  Next, scared and angry, she moved to pre-breakup level.

“I got to the point where all this push-pull from her became unbearable and decided to cut things off“- you moved the relationship to its final level: the breakup.

“I told her that it was okay if she didn’t know what she actually wanted”- she  knew what she wanted during the second level, if not the first, but she wasn’t adequately aware of it.

“She kinda got mad and told me she was surprised about my decision… ‘I don’t understand’ were her words — I thought that maybe she just wasn’t paying attention”- she was not paying attention/ not adequately aware; she was confused.

“I am absolutely sure that I was honest and upfront about my expectations, my wishes and what I could and could not offer to her“- she wasn’t aware enough of what she wanted, of what she expected.. to be able to be honest and upfront with you about these things.

“was she playing with me?”- I don’t think so.

“did she really care about me but was, genuinely, not ready?”- I think that she did care about you and  that she was genuinely ready (not.. not ready) before you knew about it.

“was everything she said at the beginning just a lie?”- no, not according to my understanding. I think that she meant it and rushed into a second level, found herself alone in it, and not adequately aware of what was happening .. she wasn’t able to honestly explain herself to you. She was too scared and angry to explain things to herself or to you.

“I just don’t know if maybe I am not that attractive or interesting or lovable“- that’s probably what she is thinking and feeling, ever since she found herself alone in the second level of the relationship.

“Any advice?“- if what I wrote here makes sense to you, you can send her a message asking her if this is what happened, and take it from there.

anita

Dear Matt:

You are very welcome. I am glad that you were able to arrive “at a very conscious and respectful ending“, and am sorry that the relationship cannot be salvaged at this time. It may never be salvaged.

You wrote that hopefully something good comes out of this: if used as a learning opportunity and experience- good can come out of it. If you are interested (and it is okay with me if you are not), you can use your thread as a place of learning. It is a public forum of course, and not a therapeutic setting (neither am I a therapist), but as two members we can still learn together, if we are willing.

anita