I had this dramatic on-off relationship with somebody over the past year. We both started out on bad ground, I left someone else, she was getting over an ex. She has a lot going on her life, moving jobs, moving cities twice, starting her own business. I’m busy with mine.

We seem to be of different attachment styles, she’s avoiding I’m anxious. She’s been doubtful about our compatibility and would look for reasons why things don’t work, avoid commitment and labels, I’d become insecure and want more affection. Eventually, we end up arguing without real resolution. She’d pull away, wonder if we’re compatible, break-up and then we’d try again. This happened about three or four times. Despite all of this, we’re still closely connected and remain on good-terms and share a LOT of interests and values and want the same things from life. There’s passion, attraction, humour and love.

The other day, she broke up with me again. Stating she wants to move on and that although she loves me she want doesn’t want to ‘make’ things work. They should either fit or not. I on the other hand, believe that we can help each other grow and that become the people that we want to be, together. I think our connection is strong enough to make things through.

She want’s to remain friends. Since our ‘break-up’, we’ve spoken everyday and seen 2 out of three evenings. I asked how can we be friends if we have feelings for each other. This led to me basically begging for her back and her pushing me away. In the end we decided to keep our distance from each other. Well, the next day she gets in touch asking how I am and we are having an intimate conversation about a problem she is facing. Emotional support.

I want her as a romantic partner. She admits the feelings are there but only wants me as a friend – although she’s said this before and we’ve eventually got back together. I’m left now with a very internal battle.

Option one, cut-all contact and say that she can be romantically involved with me or not at all. No more emotional support, staying in my apartment when I am not around, being involved with my social activities, or having daily contact. Inside, this feels like it’s coming from a place of anger and my motivations for it are selfish.

Option two, would be to maintain a friendship and enjoy the connection with her seeing where things will lead. But, I’d feel this would make it hard for me to move on, especially if she is developing or having relations with other people. I do want to be there for her though and isn’t this the unconditional love we strive for? I would no doubt suffer, to some extent but isn’t that pain something I will have to face anyway? Will she just get used to me as a friend this way?

I’m lost as to which approach to take. How to move forward and handle this.
I want to act out of compassion but am finding it difficult to define what is good for me.

Any advice would be much appreciated.