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People are so kind here. I hope what I post is ok to say. I’m so sorry for the length of this. I know most people don’t want to read long paragraphs. I know I don’t.. Maybe you can skip around a bit and get a sense of what i’m saying. I just thought I should include some background. My brain is really tired and I’m just laying it all out there. First off i’m a 21 year old gay male raised in the deep south but living in the NW.
I constantly look up psych forums trying to find answers.. trying to see if people have thoughts or experiences like me.. I do it anytime I feel anxious about something. Iâve googled so many things. I believe i’m dealing with Pure O – OCD… but I haven’t been able to afford to get help/diagnoses yet.
After graduating college and moving to a new state with only one friend and leaving so many people I loved behindâŚmy anxiety and depression increased and so did my intrusive thoughts. At one point I googled “why am I having unwanted thoughts” and articles on OCD popped up. I read through them and felt an odd feeling in my stomach. Like some sort of connection.. but then I started to get really deep.. and read more about purely obsessional OCD. Then things got worse for me. I started freaking out that maybe I had POCD and started ruminating and going over my past and remembered things.. I started to freak out about my sexuality and started getting feelings that maybe I was in love with my friend because we were laughing and having a good time even though I knew I wasn’t and didn’t want to be in love with them. Although iâm gay I worried that I was suppressing being straight. I started to freak out about getting worse mental illnesses and that my intrusive thoughts would increase and that anything I did would become a compulsion. Even things that are supposed to help.
I get groinal responses to tons of things⌠things that I donât want to feel attracted to. It truly scares me and makes me think iâm a bad person. Whatâs worse is that I do tend to actually like things that are taboo⌠I watch porn (been cutting back recently given how upset iâve been) and like many people the more I watched the more intense it got and the more enjoyment iâve got out of more intense things. Iâve seen some odd stuff⌠Iâve had incestuous thoughts that iâve enjoyed⌠about my older brother.. my father..my cousins.. my uncles.. etc. My father is an alcoholic and isnât in my life and my ex-step father was mentally abusive (a few times physically abusive though perhaps I provoked him.. I just got fed up with him and talked back a lot when I got older) from age 8-17. My mother was extremely emotionally unavailable as she has mental/physical illnesses and laid in bed most of the day. They also popped a lot of pills and my mom eventually started doing meth a year before I moved away to live with my grandparents at age 17.
When I was around 7 I was introduced to pornography by my older brother who was 13. We masturbated together and I actually really enjoyed it⌠In a way it felt like a bonding experience since we werenât extremely close and he grew up living with my grandparents.. but later on growing up I just experienced a sense of what I guess is hyper-sexuality? When I found out I was gay (around 12 or 13) and started to really hit puberty, I would have phone sex with tons of people every night. One after anotherâŚ. I would sext a lot and have multiple boyfriends. I lost my virginity when I turned 15. These are things that I definitely view as ⌠problematic⌠and that I need to have a therapist to talk it through with.. to understand why these things happened⌠but it really makes me sad to view myself this way⌠as a terrible, good for nothing slut (even though I enjoy being called a slut in a sexual wayâŚLike role play) I guess I have issues which is something I can recognize⌠I thought maybe I’m a sex addict.. but I often reject sex from people and would rather just masturbate (usually once a day) …
When I was a young teenager (maybe 13 or even 14?) I did things that iâm not proud of at all⌠I was twice inappropriate towards people that were younger than me. Nothing EXTREME⌠I would consider it somewhat minor versus many stories that I’ve read⌠but still.. not appropriate at all. I donât want to condone it of course.. I donât know what was going through my mind⌠i was just extremely sexual and curious. I just know I should have known better.. I was old enough to know it was wrong.
A few years later (late middle school / high school) I remembered the events and felt extremely bad. I thought I was damned to hell (Not a believer anymore.. though I still fear hell)⌠I eventually felt somewhat better and for the most part forgot⌠but then after college when I started having more intrusive thoughts and groinal responses to these terrible things I started ruminating a lot and going over my past and then I remembered these events⌠and it tore me up inside. Sometimes I even get a groinal response to the memory and then I feel really scared. I feel evil but I have no intention to be that way at all. Iâm a gay male that wants to be happy and ânormalâ in some wayâŚ. even though normal is subjective and most people would consider being gay abnormal⌠I mean normal in the sense that I donât like screwed up things and that I can be a happy productive individual that brings light and joy to my own life and to people around meâŚIn my head I keep thinking âWhat if you donât have OCD?â âWhat if this is all realâ⌠âWhat if you want attention?â âDid you just feel excitement thinking about wanting attention?â⌠I also 100% would agree with anyone saying itâs important to be diagnosed.. I get really sad and minor to bad anxiety when I get intrusive thoughts about things I DONâT want to have. Like thoughts about my sister, children, animals, about my friends or about suicide. I may be sad⌠and things are tough.. but iâm extremely afraid of dying.. despite this I get thoughts like âyou want to kill yourselfâ and that scares meâŚ
I donât know what to do. Can someone help me? I just feel like I don’t deserve to live… and it’s hard because I want to live and be happy. I need some sense of understanding. Right now Iâm uninsured and donât know what to do about going to see a doctor. I consider myself to be really sympathetic and empathetic. I’m very sensitive. I’ve cried watching coffee commercials because it depicted a family that loved each other and most Disney movies make me cry. I know that I feel sadness and guilt over my past… which is good in the sense that I don’t want to do anything bad like that. (though guilt isn’t very good for my mental health) I just don’t know what to do. I fear that maybe one day I’ll want to do bad stuff. Like when I’m in my 40’s.
I should also point out that I have attachment problems and I constantly feel like I need somebody to love me and be there for me and take care of me. I feel like a loser because of that but it’s true. I put out easily on dates and I’m constantly afraid that people won’t like me. Most of my relationships don’t last… I’ve only had one real physical relationship that lasted 6 months. The rest tend to be hookups and either I find faults in them really easily or they find faults in my really easily.
to end… for the last few years I’ve had an odd sensation that I might have been abused when I was younger. Maybe it’s something my mother said to me.. she and my ex-stepdad once asked my sister and I questions about my dad possibly touching us (she hated him and wanted us to stop going to his house though).. and also once asked me if I wanted to know the truth about my dad (I told her no) but I have no real memories of ever being abused… but that feeling is still there. I guess I fear I’m making it up for an excuse. I don’t know.
I really appreciate any replies. I must admit I’m scared of posting this. It’s my screwed up life and thoughts that I’m broadcasting..
Hi FearandShame,
There’s nothing you can do about the past. That’s good that you realize the things you did were wrong. Every time you get a memory or an unwanted thought, try to simply ignore it and see what happens. You start to learn about yourself this way, just sort of gently detaching from the thoughts, just watching the words go by in your head. As Charlotte Joko Beck once said, thoughts are just words, mental blips. Study the emotional reactions. Thought-emotion, emotion-thought. I then like to respond with the emotional reaction of the person I’d like to be, the response I’d respect if it was another person, instead of falling into it and letting it overwhelm you.
If you find a particular memory or thought emerging again and again, perhaps there is something in that memory that could be explored more. Or perhaps not. Perhaps you will find there is nothing to do but move on. But maybe you can try to do something to help or make up for any harm that you caused. I think you will find by helping others and trying to do good, you will start to grow into the person you want to become.
Realize a lot of these unwanted thoughts that you have are not your fault. What was the result of the mental abuse, and what are your own natural mental formations? Who knows? Perhaps instead of over-analyzing that, instead realize that you can always start to change, to grow. I like to create a list of things I want to change about myself, choose one, and then create a list of steps that will move me toward that goal. And then I like to go and do that first step, and then I reflect on my progress, perhaps celebrate with a cold beer. And learning also helps. “The best thing for being sad is to learn,” T.H. White once wrote. Learning a new language like Japanese can really help move past unwanted thoughts because your mind is focused and new neurons form, and I think old neurons that house these messed up thoughts (or however it works) start to be replaced by new knowledge.
Try to create possibility, and focus on the hope of those possibilities. Become the person you want to be instead of always looking back at the person you were. You are only 21! I am so jealous. I actually am remembering being 21 and going through something similar as you. I think the best advice is perseverance. The most you are able to respect yourself for the way you endure, the more you will start to grow.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 