Dear fearandShame:

Regarding the possibility of having been sexually abused by your father, that “odd sensation that I might have been abused when I was younger”- no doubt you were abused, but not necessarily sexually abused. It is the strong sexual sensations and experiences of puberty that often flow backward into the past. it is enough to be emotionally abused/ severely neglected as a child to cause the problems you have described in your thread.

Regarding the thoughts, the OCD thoughts: thoughts have no power in themselves. They don’t make things happen. If thoughts in themselves had power, the world would be far more messy than it already is.

Regarding feelings- what we feel does not make us good or bad people. Our feelings are automatic mental events, we don’t choose them. If there is no choice- there is no good/bad. A feeling is not a reason to be proud or ashamed. That includes bodily sensations, including the groinal responses you mentioned.

Back to thoughts: we can think anything, and so you do think anything and everything that is possible to think. The actual behavior considered in the thinking can be dangerous (to ourselves or others) and therefore scary, but the thinking of it in itself is powerless and therefore, not dangerous.

If you realize the latter, you stop being scared of the thinking itself.

It is probably, like you already figured out, not a good idea for you (or anyone, I feel) to watch porn, especially the unusual kinds. I have other thoughts but will need to be away from the computer for a while. Would like to read your thoughts and feelings about my input to you so far.

anita

Hi! Just so you know I think mental images and such are very common in abused victims. I too have endured intrafamiliar sexual abuse. I too, get obsessive thoughts that are very intrusive and I feel like a monster too. But as a victim you cannot blame yourself or like Anita said label it as good or bad. I am very sorry you feel this way because some days/nights I too feel like a complete monster and I am guilt ridden because of my abuse. I sometimes think it is my fault for what happened to me or I think well they didn’t know any better. Just know that I somewhat understand how you feel and I appreciate this post so much because now I know I am not the only one. I’m not sure what kind of abuse you went through but what made me feel better is looking up the facts about victims and such and it made me feel a lot better. I too, am considering therapy because I do not want this in the back of my mind anymore. I want strong healthy relationships with men, and I’ve realized that with most of my relationships that it is hard for me to trust, be intimate and so on with my boyfriends because of what happened when I was a very little girl and my innocence was taken.

I just wanted to comment because your post made me feel so much better and I hope my post made you feel better as well. I didn’t want to go into a lot of detail, but I want you to know you are not alone! Reach out and go seek professional help. I feel like this is the only way we will be able to heal these parts of ourselves because fighting alone is DAMN hard.

Bless you <3

Hi FearandShame,

There’s nothing you can do about the past. That’s good that you realize the things you did were wrong. Every time you get a memory or an unwanted thought, try to simply ignore it and see what happens. You start to learn about yourself this way, just sort of gently detaching from the thoughts, just watching the words go by in your head. As Charlotte Joko Beck once said, thoughts are just words, mental blips. Study the emotional reactions. Thought-emotion, emotion-thought. I then like to respond with the emotional reaction of the person I’d like to be, the response I’d respect if it was another person, instead of falling into it and letting it overwhelm you.

If you find a particular memory or thought emerging again and again, perhaps there is something in that memory that could be explored more. Or perhaps not. Perhaps you will find there is nothing to do but move on. But maybe you can try to do something to help or make up for any harm that you caused. I think you will find by helping others and trying to do good, you will start to grow into the person you want to become.

Realize a lot of these unwanted thoughts that you have are not your fault. What was the result of the mental abuse, and what are your own natural mental formations? Who knows? Perhaps instead of over-analyzing that, instead realize that you can always start to change, to grow. I like to create a list of things I want to change about myself, choose one, and then create a list of steps that will move me toward that goal. And then I like to go and do that first step, and then I reflect on my progress, perhaps celebrate with a cold beer. And learning also helps. “The best thing for being sad is to learn,” T.H. White once wrote. Learning a new language like Japanese can really help move past unwanted thoughts because your mind is focused and new neurons form, and I think old neurons that house these messed up thoughts (or however it works) start to be replaced by new knowledge.

Try to create possibility, and focus on the hope of those possibilities. Become the person you want to be instead of always looking back at the person you were. You are only 21! I am so jealous. I actually am remembering being 21 and going through something similar as you. I think the best advice is perseverance. The most you are able to respect yourself for the way you endure, the more you will start to grow.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Mark.

Dear FearandShame:

Good that you are familiar with that thread and that you posted there, as I understand. You can go back there anytime and re-read, take in the input that you agree with and which has helped you before. It is also a good idea that you started your own thread. I hope the members who replied to you will return and that new members will reply. This is a sensitive topic that many people avoid. (But then, most threads do not have many respondents, no matter the topic).

anita

Hi FearandShame,

I too suffer from intrusive and very painful emotions. I am on Citalopram which is an SSRI antidepressant for intrusive thoughts, and it has helped immensely. I am also on Topamax for emotion Regulation, and in intensive therapy for PTSD for severe neglect, constant abandonment, rejection and verbal abuse I had as a child. You can find a clinic that is subsidized, it goes according to your income. I am on Medicare and am on Social security Disability. I go to a subsidized clinic where I see a Psychiatrist, therapist and case manager, and I have never had to pay anything, as I am below the poverty level. There is hope and help.